Something I have always struggled with is the idea of having patience. I have grown up as a very quick moving motivated person, so waiting for anything was out of the question. if i had to wait for someone else to do something for me, i would do it myself. I can't say that has changed. my patience only got worse over time. not only was i impatient with time, but i became impatient with people, circumstances. you could frustrate me in a heartbeat. a situation would make me want to freak within hours of it occurring.
i have always been aware of this problem. i think it was made super clear to me when i got my first and only speeding ticket. i was being impatient, as always, and the costs were $75, a mark on my record, and serious humiliation. as much as those 3 things didn't bother me, the whole idea that i was too impatient and that got me in trouble DID bother me.
over the past months i think what has helped me the most is being consciously AWARE of my emotions. especially when they slide towards the negative side of the teeter totter. ANY negative thoughts; i cant do this. that was frustrating. hurry up. stupid. irritating. blah blah blah. there are tons, really. it started with being aware. "oops, there i go again, always the Debbie downer". it slowly turned into me trying to stop the feelings. pretty unsuccessfully. then the bible came into it. and my accountability partner, who has impatience about as bad as i do, though i think I'm a little farther off.
people always say that God can help you, the Bible can help you! I have never doubted that God is my Savior and can do anything. but I thought this was just 100% up to me. which technically it is. but that doesn't mean God wont lend a helping hand, or give is the sufficient materials to help us reach our goals. iv read verse after verse just in the past 10 days that resounded with my problem with patience. and just in 10 short days, I have felt my patience lengthen by what seems like MILES. just because of some Scripture that I have read over and over and have dedicated myself to memorizing.
i was confronted with yet another frustrating experience today. since the start of the semester i have been sharing a book with someone who, to say the least, has not been grateful or respected me. i started sharing the book just to be nice, it wouldn't hurt me, why not help someone save 70 bucks? but since the first time i loaned it to her, she has given it back to me days after i asked her to return it, with not the littlest bit of gratitude. like i said, that was okay. i let it slide for a couple of months, never bothered me, wouldn't let it get to me. last month it got even worse, where she would start demanding that i give her the book because SHE needed to DO THE ASSIGNMENT. now, if you know me at all, you know i don't do well with disrespect. but i, being the worst of sinners, have no place to judge or criticize, and continued handing the book over with nothing but a smile and a request for when to get it back, knowing it wouldn't come back until at least a few days after i needed it. this week rolls around and its the final weeks of the semester, and we have a huge test the last week i need to seriously study for. sadly, it is 3 chapters out of that darn book. Monday i brought her the book w/o making her ask because i knew she needed to write 3 observations on the chapters. i asked for it back by that evening, over 8 hours later. after she promised to, i left. i stayed up til 2 am that night waiting for my book to come back, and it didn't. next morning i texted her and asked her if she could bring me the book when she woke up, and she responds no, that shes still using it. i think that was honestly the first time i actually felt FRUSTRATED with her. it is my book! i asked for it the night before and she didn't give it, and just ASKED for MY book BACK, and was just told NO. i responded calmly [shocker for me as well] and was only repaid with nasty anger. over and over, i responded calmly and she would have a harsh response. i finally told her it was not fair that i was being treated that way, and agreed i would just take the book when we met in class. she didn't show up to give the book, so after class i texted her asking if she was able to meet me in our dining area. she storms in, slams the book on the table, and walks away
now, the old me would have been furious. the old me would yell at her or say nasty things or just chuck the book at her head. i took deep breaths, counted to about 80, and patiently texted to ask what was up. after being blamed for being stupid and heartless and for "helping her fail again", i was able to just put the phone down.
yes, this was my decision, this was my will. but I never could have done it without those bible verses running through my head, knowing how many times Jesus has patiently sat and waited for me to come around, or just dealt with my fire. many people have had to do that. it was kind of nice to be able to extend the mercy that I've been given to someone else, expecting nothing in return. actually, i really liked it. and from that one little act of patience [my first in probably ever] i am motivated to be patient with as many people as i can. because it felt way better than losing my temper and being a jerk.
cool how God teaches us lessons, isn't it?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
I and Thou
Relationships has always been one of the more difficult parts of my life. Either with having them, getting rid of them, forgetting them, forgiving them, correcting them, whatever it may be, I am always at work in some way with a relationship of some kind. Since I first started coming to StuCo, my mentors at the church were always talking to me about boundaries. I don't know if it was because of the codependant relationship I entered that youth group with, or because that is a struggle all teenagers have, but I was hit with it hard.
I used to be the type of person who was nice to everyone. Nobody had anything against me because I was the nice, quiet girl. I never said no, I never fought, I never argued, I never frowned, I never turned away. I was the nice girl who was willing to do anyone for anything and would not stand up for myself if that was ever taken advantage of.
When Jared came into my life he helped me know that I could be truly loved by someone. And I believe that was the start of the turn. A lot of girls disliked me being Jared's best friend. In the past, that would have been something that would make me run from the situation, get out of it and fix all negative feelings towards me. But when I was with Jared, it was a different story. It was still upsetting to me that anyone would feel opposition to who I was, but I did not run away from it. I still didn't fight it, but I was not willing to give up the relationship I had with Jared for some jealous high school girls to remain my friends. As Jared became the most significant relationship in my life, I slowly stopped caring about all the rest. If someone came up with something they could be angry with me for, I shook it off and walked away. I did not cause trouble, but I would not take it.
When Jared and I broke up I really had no idea where to go with my relational habits. I started as the girl who would take anything, only to shift to an unhealthy level of apathy towards pretty much everyone in my life. Once Jared and I broke up, it was almost like a whole new me was released. Suddenly, if you said the wrong thing, I would be the first to tell you how I felt about it. Suddenly I was opinionated. Suddenly I just would not take your crap. Suddenly it was all about me. Protecting myself. Defending myself. Making sure I was not the lowest of the low, even if that meant putting you down. I wanted so badly to have back what I had with Jared that anyone who became significant in my life were suddenly given all of me, and I would let them trample all over me, only to get hurt again and regain my nasty confidence.
I have been challenged over and over to set boundaries. Not to let people hurt me, but not to let myself hurt them. Not to let people in too far, and not to get myself in too far. And I think something I have been challenged with more recently is to give people a chance.
There are people back at home that drive me out of my mind. People back at home who have absolutely torn my heart out. People back at home who I think are the lowest of the low. But every name on those lists are people I have hardened my heart towards, which is wrong. I don't have to be vulnerable, or open myself up to getting hurt. But I do have to act like Jesus would.
We betrayed and hurt Jesus so many times. Every single time I curse or judge someone or lie or gossip I am hurting Jesus. But Jesus has neverending mercy and compassion for me; no matter how many times I screw up is heart does not harden. So who am I to harden my heart to the person whose ego gets on my nerves? Or the one who seems like the center of my life's drama? Or the one who betrayed my trust, even though the person knew how much I had been hurt in the past? God tells us to forgive and forget, and not just move on, but look at things from a fresh perspective.
I and it relationships are when you are looking to see what you can get out of the relationship. I and thou relationships are real, meaningful relationships, when you are trying to help the other person and become better together. God wants every single one of our relationships to be I - Thou relationships. Looking at it that way, I have a lot of relationships that need some work. Maybe not because it is a relationship I am trying to get something out of, but because it's a relationship I think negatively of.
James 4:11-12
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destory. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?
I used to be the type of person who was nice to everyone. Nobody had anything against me because I was the nice, quiet girl. I never said no, I never fought, I never argued, I never frowned, I never turned away. I was the nice girl who was willing to do anyone for anything and would not stand up for myself if that was ever taken advantage of.
When Jared came into my life he helped me know that I could be truly loved by someone. And I believe that was the start of the turn. A lot of girls disliked me being Jared's best friend. In the past, that would have been something that would make me run from the situation, get out of it and fix all negative feelings towards me. But when I was with Jared, it was a different story. It was still upsetting to me that anyone would feel opposition to who I was, but I did not run away from it. I still didn't fight it, but I was not willing to give up the relationship I had with Jared for some jealous high school girls to remain my friends. As Jared became the most significant relationship in my life, I slowly stopped caring about all the rest. If someone came up with something they could be angry with me for, I shook it off and walked away. I did not cause trouble, but I would not take it.
When Jared and I broke up I really had no idea where to go with my relational habits. I started as the girl who would take anything, only to shift to an unhealthy level of apathy towards pretty much everyone in my life. Once Jared and I broke up, it was almost like a whole new me was released. Suddenly, if you said the wrong thing, I would be the first to tell you how I felt about it. Suddenly I was opinionated. Suddenly I just would not take your crap. Suddenly it was all about me. Protecting myself. Defending myself. Making sure I was not the lowest of the low, even if that meant putting you down. I wanted so badly to have back what I had with Jared that anyone who became significant in my life were suddenly given all of me, and I would let them trample all over me, only to get hurt again and regain my nasty confidence.
I have been challenged over and over to set boundaries. Not to let people hurt me, but not to let myself hurt them. Not to let people in too far, and not to get myself in too far. And I think something I have been challenged with more recently is to give people a chance.
There are people back at home that drive me out of my mind. People back at home who have absolutely torn my heart out. People back at home who I think are the lowest of the low. But every name on those lists are people I have hardened my heart towards, which is wrong. I don't have to be vulnerable, or open myself up to getting hurt. But I do have to act like Jesus would.
We betrayed and hurt Jesus so many times. Every single time I curse or judge someone or lie or gossip I am hurting Jesus. But Jesus has neverending mercy and compassion for me; no matter how many times I screw up is heart does not harden. So who am I to harden my heart to the person whose ego gets on my nerves? Or the one who seems like the center of my life's drama? Or the one who betrayed my trust, even though the person knew how much I had been hurt in the past? God tells us to forgive and forget, and not just move on, but look at things from a fresh perspective.
I and it relationships are when you are looking to see what you can get out of the relationship. I and thou relationships are real, meaningful relationships, when you are trying to help the other person and become better together. God wants every single one of our relationships to be I - Thou relationships. Looking at it that way, I have a lot of relationships that need some work. Maybe not because it is a relationship I am trying to get something out of, but because it's a relationship I think negatively of.
James 4:11-12
Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destory. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Let God Hurry
Every day, before I begin my bible study, I pray that God will help me understand what He is trying to say, and that something will stick out to me. Today in my devotional I started reading Isaiah. Chapter 1 passed, nothing stood out. Chapter 2, chapter 3, chapter 4, and still nothing. Once I had reached chapter 5, I was already frustrated. Why isn’t anything clicking? Why do I feel like God is not speaking to me? I kept reading against my own will, irritated, and then I got to this verse.
Isaiah 5:19 – Woe to those who say, “Let God hurry, let Him hasten His work, so that we may see it. Let it approach, let the plan of the Holy One of Israel come, so we may know it.”
“Woe to those who say let God hurry…” Wow. What a statement. Right before I read this verse I had sinned against God. I was impatient, wishing He would speak to me faster than He was. I cannot tell you how many times I do this in my daily life. God, help me understand why this is happening, not later, but now. God, answer my prayer. God, speak to me. God, comfort me. God, help me feel you here now. God, give them the answers. God, give me the answers. God, fix this. God, do that. I can just imagine God laughing, “Is this a joke?” God asks me to read my bible. God asks me to be in constant prayer with Him. God asks me to love my neighbors, and myself. God asks me to be like Him, and act like Christ. God asks me to speak with a loving tongue, and never against others. God asks me to have a positive attitude. God asks me to tell everyone I meet about Him. But do I do all of these things? No, I don’t. So who am I to rush Him? Who am I to think that God does not have a perfect plan for me, that He is not with me, and has it all ready to go?
“Woe to those who say let God hurry…” My goal is to be more faithful, and have more peace in God’s plan for me. To become more patient, in every aspect of my life. Time for a change.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
the Ups and the Downs
Life being compared to a roller coaster is a frequent comparison. You go through the good parts, you go through the bad. For me, the significance of life being a roller coaster is very true and meaningful to my life.
Just like everyone, my life has its ups and downs. I am blessed beyond belief. I am healthy. I am going to a fantastic college, where I am not only being educated but I am being challenged and I am growing spiritually as well as emotionally. Not only am I attending this college but I don't need to stress about the finances thanks to my generous grandparents, and the blessings THEY have received. I have a warm comfy safe dorm to live. I have food whenever I need it. I have clothing I need, the school supplies I need, safe water to drink and a shower whenever I want one. I have great mentors, great friends, great professors, great people surrounding me. I could go on for a long time listing all of the things God has given me, few things that I have actually EARNED.
And, just like everyone, I have my downs. But I do not exactly consider them "downs" anymore. The reason that the roller coaster metaphor means more to me now is because, while riding a roller coaster, people feel joy. During the ups, during the downs, during the slow parts, whatever, people have a thrill and a joy that they long for, which is why we ride roller coasters in the first place. Life has a thrill and a joy for me that I long for, which is why I do this thing called Life. Up or a down, it doesn't matter, I am filled with joy.
I am filled with joy because I have an amazing savior. A savior that died for me. A savior that loves me more than anyone else could ever do, more than I could ever comprehend. A savior that blesses me even if I don't deserve it. A savior who GIVES me grace and blessings, and does not wait for me to EARN it, because we all know I never could. My savior protects me from evil, protects me from harm. My savior gave His son, His life, for ME. Even if there was not one other person who needed to be saved, Christ STILL would have died on that cross, even if it was for me alone. He has placed in me a joy, a burning passion for Him and for life, that can never be put out.
Instead of putting a cover on this fire, from now on I will be adding sticks to it. I will praise God when I am going through the downs, because I know He is just shaping me into the person He longs for me to be, and is preparing me for future trials and pains. I am blessed. And I am joyful. This, in a way, has become my "mission statement", my goal. No matter how long, or how short, this roller coaster will be, I will remain joyful throughout the entire ride.
Just like everyone, my life has its ups and downs. I am blessed beyond belief. I am healthy. I am going to a fantastic college, where I am not only being educated but I am being challenged and I am growing spiritually as well as emotionally. Not only am I attending this college but I don't need to stress about the finances thanks to my generous grandparents, and the blessings THEY have received. I have a warm comfy safe dorm to live. I have food whenever I need it. I have clothing I need, the school supplies I need, safe water to drink and a shower whenever I want one. I have great mentors, great friends, great professors, great people surrounding me. I could go on for a long time listing all of the things God has given me, few things that I have actually EARNED.
And, just like everyone, I have my downs. But I do not exactly consider them "downs" anymore. The reason that the roller coaster metaphor means more to me now is because, while riding a roller coaster, people feel joy. During the ups, during the downs, during the slow parts, whatever, people have a thrill and a joy that they long for, which is why we ride roller coasters in the first place. Life has a thrill and a joy for me that I long for, which is why I do this thing called Life. Up or a down, it doesn't matter, I am filled with joy.
I am filled with joy because I have an amazing savior. A savior that died for me. A savior that loves me more than anyone else could ever do, more than I could ever comprehend. A savior that blesses me even if I don't deserve it. A savior who GIVES me grace and blessings, and does not wait for me to EARN it, because we all know I never could. My savior protects me from evil, protects me from harm. My savior gave His son, His life, for ME. Even if there was not one other person who needed to be saved, Christ STILL would have died on that cross, even if it was for me alone. He has placed in me a joy, a burning passion for Him and for life, that can never be put out.
Instead of putting a cover on this fire, from now on I will be adding sticks to it. I will praise God when I am going through the downs, because I know He is just shaping me into the person He longs for me to be, and is preparing me for future trials and pains. I am blessed. And I am joyful. This, in a way, has become my "mission statement", my goal. No matter how long, or how short, this roller coaster will be, I will remain joyful throughout the entire ride.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
one is silver, the other is gold
One thing most people fear going to college is the friends part. Will I meet a lot of new people? Will I like people? Will people like me? Will I make new friends? Will I make best friends? Will I make life long friends? Will I find my husband? Will I find my wife? Will I make enemies? Will people dislike me? yada yada yada. I could go on for a while. I am not immune to these insecurities, especially going to a college out of state where none of my friends go.
I definitely had my moments before school, and even the first week or so here, wondering if I would meet people I would really connect with. I still to this day wonder if I have a group where I really "belong". But when it comes to friends, I have been extremely blessed.
First and foremost, my CORE group. They were the first people I met on campus. That first day, sitting in a circle out on the grass by the WGB, I looked around and wondered who exactly of this group I would really get close to. I can tell you right now there were a few people in that group I never would have expected to be close to. One of those that I figured weren't really the "type" I usually click with is now one of the girls in the group I have bonded with the MOST. My CORE has given me over a dozen awesome students to hang out with, talk with, laugh with, cry with, eat with, etc. But not only did they give me great friends, they helped break me out of my habit of judging people. I didn't consider what I did a type of judgement, but really it is. And man have they proved any stereotypes I had wrong. I love every single person in my CORE, and care about all of them deeply. I am blessed with an incredible group of freshmen, lemme tell ya.
I have a lot of other people I have gotten to be friends with. Random people, from all over. Upperclassmen, freshmen, girlfriends of my friends, kids in my classes, my small group girls, people just hanging out in the Lowell lobby, friends of friends, etc. You name a way to meet people, and I can pretty much promise I have done it here. I have connected with some of the most random people, and it has been such a blessing. I have people I can talk to when I'm down. I have people I can cry with. I have people I can just marvel about God with. I have people I can laugh with. I have people I can debate with. I have people I can play video games with. I have people I can read the bible with. I have people I can pray with. I have people I can watch TV with. I have people I can just talk with. I have people I can watch movies with. I have been blessed with a large range of friends, and friends I can do what I usually do with, and feel totally comfortable. I haven't felt even one day on campus I had to be someone I'm not. Who can say that about their college? Who can say that about the people they're around? Who can say that about every single one of their friends?
I am glad I am here. I am here for a reason. And I am so incredibly grateful for the friends God blessed me with to get me through those hard days I don't want to be anywhere but home.
I definitely had my moments before school, and even the first week or so here, wondering if I would meet people I would really connect with. I still to this day wonder if I have a group where I really "belong". But when it comes to friends, I have been extremely blessed.
First and foremost, my CORE group. They were the first people I met on campus. That first day, sitting in a circle out on the grass by the WGB, I looked around and wondered who exactly of this group I would really get close to. I can tell you right now there were a few people in that group I never would have expected to be close to. One of those that I figured weren't really the "type" I usually click with is now one of the girls in the group I have bonded with the MOST. My CORE has given me over a dozen awesome students to hang out with, talk with, laugh with, cry with, eat with, etc. But not only did they give me great friends, they helped break me out of my habit of judging people. I didn't consider what I did a type of judgement, but really it is. And man have they proved any stereotypes I had wrong. I love every single person in my CORE, and care about all of them deeply. I am blessed with an incredible group of freshmen, lemme tell ya.
I have a lot of other people I have gotten to be friends with. Random people, from all over. Upperclassmen, freshmen, girlfriends of my friends, kids in my classes, my small group girls, people just hanging out in the Lowell lobby, friends of friends, etc. You name a way to meet people, and I can pretty much promise I have done it here. I have connected with some of the most random people, and it has been such a blessing. I have people I can talk to when I'm down. I have people I can cry with. I have people I can just marvel about God with. I have people I can laugh with. I have people I can debate with. I have people I can play video games with. I have people I can read the bible with. I have people I can pray with. I have people I can watch TV with. I have people I can just talk with. I have people I can watch movies with. I have been blessed with a large range of friends, and friends I can do what I usually do with, and feel totally comfortable. I haven't felt even one day on campus I had to be someone I'm not. Who can say that about their college? Who can say that about the people they're around? Who can say that about every single one of their friends?
I am glad I am here. I am here for a reason. And I am so incredibly grateful for the friends God blessed me with to get me through those hard days I don't want to be anywhere but home.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I will be here still
I have had a lot of moments since I got here where I wished someone at home would be here. My best friend. My girls. My dad. My small group leader. The people I find comfort and/or joy in. This often made me extremely homesick, because I COULDN'T have these people. I had a moment last night where all I wanted was to be home on the sofa, only seconds away from my family. But here I was instead, hours away from my loved ones.
While working on homework, I decided I would listen to the new Kelly Clarkson album since I haven't heard it that much. The song "If No One Will Listen" is the one that really stood out to me. This is the chorus:
If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still
Obviously, Kelly Clarkson is not a Christian writer, so this was in no way her writing what God is saying to us, but that's how I took it. Because in reality, he is the only one who can REALLY say this. I will be here still...
This also goes back to something I am working through right now. I have had a lot of people walk out of my life and not love me like they should. I often wonder who will still be in my life in 20 years, 10 years, 2 years, 6 months even. I can't say. But no matter what, God will be here still. He will never leave me. I can be scared of losing loved ones, losing people who mean something to me. But no matter what, God will be here still. I find that extremely comforting, today especially, as I sit here missing loved ones like crazy. I am not alone, God will be here still.
While working on homework, I decided I would listen to the new Kelly Clarkson album since I haven't heard it that much. The song "If No One Will Listen" is the one that really stood out to me. This is the chorus:
If no one will listen, if you decide to speak
If no one is left standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you for what you really are
I will be here still
Obviously, Kelly Clarkson is not a Christian writer, so this was in no way her writing what God is saying to us, but that's how I took it. Because in reality, he is the only one who can REALLY say this. I will be here still...
This also goes back to something I am working through right now. I have had a lot of people walk out of my life and not love me like they should. I often wonder who will still be in my life in 20 years, 10 years, 2 years, 6 months even. I can't say. But no matter what, God will be here still. He will never leave me. I can be scared of losing loved ones, losing people who mean something to me. But no matter what, God will be here still. I find that extremely comforting, today especially, as I sit here missing loved ones like crazy. I am not alone, God will be here still.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Border Busters
In CORE this week we responded to some "sealed orders" that were from our Cedar Bend trip last weekend. Each letter was reflecting on the story "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson. Sealed Order #3 was all about the people you will meet at the border of life now and your dream. Border bullies, border buddies, and border busters were the 3 types of people you would confront at this signifant place of your life.
I have been blessed to be placed with some amazing border busters. 3 of them being Charissa, Brandie, and Tim. These are the 3 people who encouraged me no matter WHAT. If my success was leveled off of how much they believed in me, I would achieve anything I ever reached for. I remember in times of frustration, times of pain, times of joy, these were the people I always wanted to contact first. These are the people who have stretched me the most in my faith, my personal life, pretty much anything I have come in contact with. I would have done a lot less, and been a lot worse of a person if it weren't for these 3 people.
While I was on my canoe trip at Cedar Bend, I was sharing with my canoe buddies, Sarah and Brendan, a small glimpse of what my "home" life was like. Sarah said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that", and it made me just kind of pause. Am I sorry? Do I regret it? If I had the option, really had the option, would I change it? It was pretty much an immediate no, and I firmly stand on that decision. If it weren't for that, I would never have needed my small group leader like I did. I wouldn't have spent so much time at her house and with her, and we wouldn't be as close as we are now. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have spent so many days at the Raad's after school watching nasty TV shows and just hanging out and talking with Brandie. I wouldn't have needed Brandie for serious advice, or needed someone who had gone through what I was and could look up to. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have needed a father figure to really step in my life and change it. I wouldn't have needed Tim to build me up, and drive me to college. If I didn't need them, I wouldn't have them like I do now. And I wouldn't change it for the world. They mean SO much to me. I wouldn't erase the pain if it meant erasing my relationships with them.
I can look back at pretty much every situation I have gone through and apply the same kind of thinking. I wouldn't have gone to this church, I wouldn't have met that person, I wouldn't be going to this university, I wouldn't have done this, wouldn't have done that. I find it extremely cool how God, in my opinion, kind of rewards you when you make it through hard times. Maybe that sounds stupid and simple, but I have been blessed with so many incredible people and situations, and I sure couldn't have earned them just being me. I've read some passages in the bible where David or Paul, I can't remember which one, are begging God just to bring on the storm, bring on the rain. I'm almost to the point where I can say the same thing, because I know after the storm, the rainbow I will receive will be more than worth it.
I have been blessed to be placed with some amazing border busters. 3 of them being Charissa, Brandie, and Tim. These are the 3 people who encouraged me no matter WHAT. If my success was leveled off of how much they believed in me, I would achieve anything I ever reached for. I remember in times of frustration, times of pain, times of joy, these were the people I always wanted to contact first. These are the people who have stretched me the most in my faith, my personal life, pretty much anything I have come in contact with. I would have done a lot less, and been a lot worse of a person if it weren't for these 3 people.
While I was on my canoe trip at Cedar Bend, I was sharing with my canoe buddies, Sarah and Brendan, a small glimpse of what my "home" life was like. Sarah said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that", and it made me just kind of pause. Am I sorry? Do I regret it? If I had the option, really had the option, would I change it? It was pretty much an immediate no, and I firmly stand on that decision. If it weren't for that, I would never have needed my small group leader like I did. I wouldn't have spent so much time at her house and with her, and we wouldn't be as close as we are now. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have spent so many days at the Raad's after school watching nasty TV shows and just hanging out and talking with Brandie. I wouldn't have needed Brandie for serious advice, or needed someone who had gone through what I was and could look up to. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't have needed a father figure to really step in my life and change it. I wouldn't have needed Tim to build me up, and drive me to college. If I didn't need them, I wouldn't have them like I do now. And I wouldn't change it for the world. They mean SO much to me. I wouldn't erase the pain if it meant erasing my relationships with them.
I can look back at pretty much every situation I have gone through and apply the same kind of thinking. I wouldn't have gone to this church, I wouldn't have met that person, I wouldn't be going to this university, I wouldn't have done this, wouldn't have done that. I find it extremely cool how God, in my opinion, kind of rewards you when you make it through hard times. Maybe that sounds stupid and simple, but I have been blessed with so many incredible people and situations, and I sure couldn't have earned them just being me. I've read some passages in the bible where David or Paul, I can't remember which one, are begging God just to bring on the storm, bring on the rain. I'm almost to the point where I can say the same thing, because I know after the storm, the rainbow I will receive will be more than worth it.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I haven't blogged in almost a month, so here we go
The past few weeks I keep having the "I feel like blogging" thought, and then as soon as I sit down, nothing comes to mind that I feel is worth writing about. But oh well, I'm writing this time anyway.
This past month has been pretty crazy for me. A lot of ups, a lot of downs, a lot of steady inbetweens. First the positives. I love the college life. Sleeping later, less time spent in classes, running your own life, running your own time. I feel a lot more freedom than I did at home. And you are LIVING with friends, so you're around people you like all the time. The community here is fantastic, you're pretty much never alone. Which can be a negative, but I'll choose to keep it as a positive for the sake of this blog. Because generally speaking, it is.
Negatives... for those who know me these are pretty well known. I miss home. I miss my church. I love change yet hate it at the same time. The family/home situation has become pretty apparent since I got here, and I feel like I've been challenged with a lot more of that. Which is horribly painful, anything but pleasant. Yet at the same time, it gives me a weird sense of hope, knowing I'm working these things out, and maybe, one day, they can be resolved. Crazy thought. But definitely makes me feel more optimistic.
I received a letter last week from my darling Ceri. I cannot get over how much that one page note meant to me. The moment I opened my mailbox and saw the stickers on the envelope, my heart jumped. I was beaming as I practically ran back to my dorm to tear the letter open and read what she wrote. Once I did read it, I cried some pretty unexpected tears. It amazes me how the love of someone you care about can touch your heart and change you. After that letter I realized how much Ceri, and my other girls, have helped change me for the better. For one, I am a much stronger individual. I am also a better leader [I kind of have an idea of what I'm doing now!] I also have gotten rid of a lot of bad habits and improved myself as a person. At first it was because I was now an example to people. It then was because not only was I an example, but I was someone they looked up to. And then it was not only for them, but it was for me, and for God. I just wanted to be the best person I could be. But it was those 7th, 8th, and 9th grade girls who ignited that fire in me.
And I don't know if Ceri reads these or not, but I am just going to put a thank you out there again, because I really couldn't say thank you enough. That letter meant so, so much to me. It touched my heart in a way I never guessed it would. I am so grateful for that symbol of your care and your love. That letter has become something extremely significant to me, just like you have over the past year and a half. I love you!
I feel like I now have a ton of topics to talk about, but I'm saving the next one for tomorrow [or should I say later today].
This past month has been pretty crazy for me. A lot of ups, a lot of downs, a lot of steady inbetweens. First the positives. I love the college life. Sleeping later, less time spent in classes, running your own life, running your own time. I feel a lot more freedom than I did at home. And you are LIVING with friends, so you're around people you like all the time. The community here is fantastic, you're pretty much never alone. Which can be a negative, but I'll choose to keep it as a positive for the sake of this blog. Because generally speaking, it is.
Negatives... for those who know me these are pretty well known. I miss home. I miss my church. I love change yet hate it at the same time. The family/home situation has become pretty apparent since I got here, and I feel like I've been challenged with a lot more of that. Which is horribly painful, anything but pleasant. Yet at the same time, it gives me a weird sense of hope, knowing I'm working these things out, and maybe, one day, they can be resolved. Crazy thought. But definitely makes me feel more optimistic.
I received a letter last week from my darling Ceri. I cannot get over how much that one page note meant to me. The moment I opened my mailbox and saw the stickers on the envelope, my heart jumped. I was beaming as I practically ran back to my dorm to tear the letter open and read what she wrote. Once I did read it, I cried some pretty unexpected tears. It amazes me how the love of someone you care about can touch your heart and change you. After that letter I realized how much Ceri, and my other girls, have helped change me for the better. For one, I am a much stronger individual. I am also a better leader [I kind of have an idea of what I'm doing now!] I also have gotten rid of a lot of bad habits and improved myself as a person. At first it was because I was now an example to people. It then was because not only was I an example, but I was someone they looked up to. And then it was not only for them, but it was for me, and for God. I just wanted to be the best person I could be. But it was those 7th, 8th, and 9th grade girls who ignited that fire in me.
And I don't know if Ceri reads these or not, but I am just going to put a thank you out there again, because I really couldn't say thank you enough. That letter meant so, so much to me. It touched my heart in a way I never guessed it would. I am so grateful for that symbol of your care and your love. That letter has become something extremely significant to me, just like you have over the past year and a half. I love you!
I feel like I now have a ton of topics to talk about, but I'm saving the next one for tomorrow [or should I say later today].
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
My life is changed, I wanna be with you
I have now been at Spring Arbor for a week, and I have not blogged yet. I think it was almost too much to blog about, too much going on, too much emotion. It's been a week now and I'm getting the swing of things, getting my schedule set, so I have time to write again.
So this first week has been quite eventful. driving up was really good, spending those last hours with my best friend was definitely good for me. hard to say goodbye, but not as crippling as I expected it to be. still strenuous but it didn't kill me. those first few days almost did though. we were kept extremely busy, almost like a camp or CIY experience. Which only made it harder when that ended, and I realized it wasn't camp, it wasn't a trip, I wasn't going home. iv had some rough times this past week, certain nights or moments where I felt like i just couldn't go on here, I needed my family I needed home. Luckily I have someone to talk to during those times, but he wont let me give up, no matter how much I want to. and I know he's right, I know this is good for me, I know I belong here. It's just hard to go through some of this stuff without my usual support group and my usual friends.
This is definitely forcing me to rely on myself a lot. I grew up only relying on myself, but then it was an unhealthy kind of self help, where I did it because I had nothing else, I didn't have the people I needed. I then went through a patch where I ONLY relied on other people, kind of took all of the weight off of my own shoulders as I healed and shaped into a person who could take care of myself. Now that I am that person, I NEED to take care of myself, even if I want to still lean completely on others. It's a good lesson, good practice for me. Luckily God didn't remove those people from my life, He just set them out of my reach. My best friend hasn't changed, and luckily I get to talk to him on a regular basis, and I'm sure that will continue. I have someone to share my joys with, my disappointments with, and just talk through things that are tough. I am also blessed to be meeting some really great people here who are filling some friend spots, which is definitely what I need.
Week one down, so many more to go. So far I've loved it. Chapel is amazing, the community is amazing, the people are amazing. I already feel so much closer to God, like I finally slowed down and stopped focusing on everything else and am focusing on the Lord. This is not only strengthening my relationship with Him but helping me become a better person. I have found myself a lot slower to anger, and when I do get angry, I can calm down pretty much right away. I find myself dealing with pet peeves and irritation a lot better than I did before, and I feel myself building myself up. Which NEVER happens.
So far, this experience has already been a good one for me. I miss my family and my loved ones desperately, and I wish I could see them way more often. I know if I did though, it would lessen this experience, and I wouldn't have as much opportunity for growth. So I am excited to see what God does not only the next few months but the next few days. I am blessed to be here. Blessed and extremely thankful.
Verse that stood out most in my bible reading today:
Jeremiah 1:7 - "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.
So this first week has been quite eventful. driving up was really good, spending those last hours with my best friend was definitely good for me. hard to say goodbye, but not as crippling as I expected it to be. still strenuous but it didn't kill me. those first few days almost did though. we were kept extremely busy, almost like a camp or CIY experience. Which only made it harder when that ended, and I realized it wasn't camp, it wasn't a trip, I wasn't going home. iv had some rough times this past week, certain nights or moments where I felt like i just couldn't go on here, I needed my family I needed home. Luckily I have someone to talk to during those times, but he wont let me give up, no matter how much I want to. and I know he's right, I know this is good for me, I know I belong here. It's just hard to go through some of this stuff without my usual support group and my usual friends.
This is definitely forcing me to rely on myself a lot. I grew up only relying on myself, but then it was an unhealthy kind of self help, where I did it because I had nothing else, I didn't have the people I needed. I then went through a patch where I ONLY relied on other people, kind of took all of the weight off of my own shoulders as I healed and shaped into a person who could take care of myself. Now that I am that person, I NEED to take care of myself, even if I want to still lean completely on others. It's a good lesson, good practice for me. Luckily God didn't remove those people from my life, He just set them out of my reach. My best friend hasn't changed, and luckily I get to talk to him on a regular basis, and I'm sure that will continue. I have someone to share my joys with, my disappointments with, and just talk through things that are tough. I am also blessed to be meeting some really great people here who are filling some friend spots, which is definitely what I need.
Week one down, so many more to go. So far I've loved it. Chapel is amazing, the community is amazing, the people are amazing. I already feel so much closer to God, like I finally slowed down and stopped focusing on everything else and am focusing on the Lord. This is not only strengthening my relationship with Him but helping me become a better person. I have found myself a lot slower to anger, and when I do get angry, I can calm down pretty much right away. I find myself dealing with pet peeves and irritation a lot better than I did before, and I feel myself building myself up. Which NEVER happens.
So far, this experience has already been a good one for me. I miss my family and my loved ones desperately, and I wish I could see them way more often. I know if I did though, it would lessen this experience, and I wouldn't have as much opportunity for growth. So I am excited to see what God does not only the next few months but the next few days. I am blessed to be here. Blessed and extremely thankful.
Verse that stood out most in my bible reading today:
Jeremiah 1:7 - "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Looking up
It always impresses me what having faith in God can do. The start of this week was terrible, probably the worst of my summer. I felt in the pits and on the point of depression, not wanting to get up or do anything or really move at all. But I trusted God and that He would teach me something out of this, and He has. For one, my relationship with Tim is a lot stronger. I think I finally learned that it is OKAY to disappoint him sometimes. I have always been so horrified by the thought of that because I was so scared he would walk away and I would lose him. Yet... here we are, a few days later, and I feel like we're even closer than before. You know why? Because not only do I trust him more, but I have way more faith in our relationship. Why do I think we can't make it through a measly fight? I mean more to him than that, and he means more to me than that, so of course we're going to make it through. Silly, childish fears. Thank you Lord for placing someone in my life who can show me the kind of love I can actually BELIEVE in. It's really an awesome feeling, knowing you are worth something, and being reminded of it.
So college is in 4 days. I have officially hit the point where I am CRAZY excited. I was so scared and dreading this so much, and I honestly thought my last few days here would be miserable. But I'm so happy and so ecstatic to go to college, that the bad feelings are being easily ignored. I officially finished packing tomorrow and I didn't feel bad about it, it just made me more excited. I can't wait to go!
College is seriously going to be completely amazing. I know I've been nervous and fearful about going so far away but God put me here for a reason, and if I'm missing everyone at home and scared of what's going to happen without me I'm not going to be listening to God, and I won't hear the purpose for all of this, and I won't learn or grow from it, or be able to use my gifts for God because I'm so focused on using them back at home.
4 days... I probably won't blog until after I am there. Can't wait!
So college is in 4 days. I have officially hit the point where I am CRAZY excited. I was so scared and dreading this so much, and I honestly thought my last few days here would be miserable. But I'm so happy and so ecstatic to go to college, that the bad feelings are being easily ignored. I officially finished packing tomorrow and I didn't feel bad about it, it just made me more excited. I can't wait to go!
College is seriously going to be completely amazing. I know I've been nervous and fearful about going so far away but God put me here for a reason, and if I'm missing everyone at home and scared of what's going to happen without me I'm not going to be listening to God, and I won't hear the purpose for all of this, and I won't learn or grow from it, or be able to use my gifts for God because I'm so focused on using them back at home.
4 days... I probably won't blog until after I am there. Can't wait!
Monday, August 31, 2009
exactly what i need
so recently at a conference we were told that we need to schedule a day to do nothing to "recharge" ourselves not only as leaders but as people. so i was thinking about that and bc of cancelled plans im pretty much doing that today anyway, yet im not feeling recharged at all. and the problem is that even though i have nothing i have to be doing, im stressing out about all these other people. some friends, some close relationships, some of my own students; i cant catch a break for one second. i wish it were possible to just stop caring. not permanently, but temporarily, even if it was for a short few hours, just to give myself a break. its exhausting to care about so many people.
this is a boundary issue, yes, and iv been working on it and still am working on it. but at the same time... is that all it is? people are constantly saying you cant give what you dont have. i think im giving way more than iv been receiving. the people i do receive it from do a great job doing that. is it bad to say tahts not always enough? maybe i need more than 2 people to love me, to truly deeply care about me and want whats best for me. how can i care for so many people when i only have 2 caring for me? is that wrong? does it not work like that? i really am not sure. all i do know is i need a break, and i need one bad. and taking this day to do nothing isnt the cure iv been looking for
this is a boundary issue, yes, and iv been working on it and still am working on it. but at the same time... is that all it is? people are constantly saying you cant give what you dont have. i think im giving way more than iv been receiving. the people i do receive it from do a great job doing that. is it bad to say tahts not always enough? maybe i need more than 2 people to love me, to truly deeply care about me and want whats best for me. how can i care for so many people when i only have 2 caring for me? is that wrong? does it not work like that? i really am not sure. all i do know is i need a break, and i need one bad. and taking this day to do nothing isnt the cure iv been looking for
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Time flies
I can't believe 2 weeks have passed just since my last post. Mike is gone, and Matt leaves tomorrow. I leave in less than 3 weeks.
tim keeps telling me i need to slow down and smell the roses. as much as i fought that, i know hes right. so i am. i was stressing stressing stressing about making plans with every single friend before i leave.well im not doing that anymore. i know ill see my closest friends. yes, there are people that aren't my closest friends, but if they want to see me, THEY are going to have to stress about it. i just cant. my migraines are coming back bc im freaking out so much, and im not willing to throw away these last few days.
hopefully no one will take that personally. i just dont have the time or the energy to stress over every last minute. im going to do whats best for me. im going to be selfish for once, and just plan for myself.
and being selfish means leaving everyone and going to michigan. im fighting myself on that one too. i know itll be good for me. everything about it, taht college, the fresh start, the people, etc. but man, i do not want to leave my loved ones behind...
tim keeps telling me i need to slow down and smell the roses. as much as i fought that, i know hes right. so i am. i was stressing stressing stressing about making plans with every single friend before i leave.well im not doing that anymore. i know ill see my closest friends. yes, there are people that aren't my closest friends, but if they want to see me, THEY are going to have to stress about it. i just cant. my migraines are coming back bc im freaking out so much, and im not willing to throw away these last few days.
hopefully no one will take that personally. i just dont have the time or the energy to stress over every last minute. im going to do whats best for me. im going to be selfish for once, and just plan for myself.
and being selfish means leaving everyone and going to michigan. im fighting myself on that one too. i know itll be good for me. everything about it, taht college, the fresh start, the people, etc. but man, i do not want to leave my loved ones behind...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Peace
We are quickly approaching September 7th. People keep saying “Oh that’s so late, that’s so late, that’s really far away,” and “that’s later than all the other schools.” Yes, well, it is not THAT late, when you think about it. No matter how LATE, its approaching must faster than I anticipated. I received a call today, and after having to bail on plans because of church meetings, I was informed my good friend leaves the Monday after this one. That’s less than two weeks. The heart wrenching part is that I am completely slammed the next few weeks, so I will see him once, if I’m even lucky, before he moves onto his campus. The week after that another close friend moves into his college dorm, and the same thing, we are both super busy and chances of seeing him are going to be extremely slim. Luckily I only have a few close friends going away for college, but then of course I have everybody else. Luckily a lot of those people I generally see pretty often, but there are also the select few I rarely see so there needs to be a SET time/date/location with them. I think that stresses me out more than seeing the frequent friends, but most of all are the people I see on a regular basis. It is stressing me out to realize I WON’T be seeing them on a regular basis. And I’m not really sure how to handle that yet.
But at the same time…
I can’t wait for college. The 24/7 community, the people, the worship, just the life I’m going to have in general. It’s going to be amazing.
But I’m so conflicted… this is so bittersweet. I get excited and then I feel bad because I remember everyone I’m leaving behind and I won’t let myself be excited anymore.
Peace. That would be nice. Mmm, I love peace.
But at the same time…
I can’t wait for college. The 24/7 community, the people, the worship, just the life I’m going to have in general. It’s going to be amazing.
But I’m so conflicted… this is so bittersweet. I get excited and then I feel bad because I remember everyone I’m leaving behind and I won’t let myself be excited anymore.
Peace. That would be nice. Mmm, I love peace.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Burdens
this past week has been a huge focus on burdens, and living life as a Christ follower. I wrote a small group guide focused on Mark chapter 7, and read through Tim's 2 camp messages for this year, which are focused on Exodus and slavery and their burdens. funny.
there are certain things i have felt burdened with most of my life. having to be a mom to my younger siblings, being my mothers shoulder/partner/team. fighting my dad. making sure my siblings have more of a normal life than i did. pleasing people. being all that i could be, doing everything i could. being a person people like, being a person people want to be friends with. i feel like my entire life iv been striving to reach others expectations. this has been a HUGE burden.
in this past year i finally started reaching someones expectations. after years and years and years of never being good enough, or doing enough, i finally started getting it right. while i started meeting this person's expectations, old expectations started to fade away, or were slowly removed; mothering my siblings, having to hate my father and hold up my mother. while those left, it was like i was brought up from the floor. like i spent my entire life flat on the ground, and once these weights were lifted, i was finally allowed to stand. i literally feel like i stand taller now, like i have confidence for the first time in my life. all because one person believed in me. amazing how that works.
i have let this person down as well. i can still remember the first time i really disappointed him. i can still say it was one of the worst days of my life, and probably will forever be engraved into my memory. the guilt i felt from that was absolutely horrible, and has absolutely had a long term affect on me. because of that day, and those feelings, i never want to let him down again. since then, i can definitely say i have. not to the extent of that first time, but im sure i have. and i have come to face the facts; thats just life. its GOING to happen. you can try to avoid it all you want but its impossible to ALWAYS please someone. anyone, for that matter. its just not going to happen. we arent perfect.
there was a message in StuCo a few months ago talking about how people use the excuse "we're just human" when they sin. I REALLY hate that excuse, especially after hearing that message. Jesus was just human, but he was 100% perfect. so whats our real reason for screwing up all the time? no, we arent perfect. but not because God MADE us that way. its because of our CHOICES. we CHOOSE not te be perfect. obviously i make mistakes sometimes that arent INTENTIONAL, but i didnt make that mistake because im HUMAN. i made that mistake bc of a bad habit, or not paying closer attention, or trying to really focus and change myself. for example, i say something bad about someone, i.e. talk crap, gossip, whatever. i wasnt intentionally trying to talk bad or rip that person down, but I did it. maybe because iv done it so much in my past, or listen to people doing it all the time. thats a habit that needs to get BROKEN; to stop doing it, and not willingly listen to others doing it. its something i can fix. and i dont fix it to strive more towards PERFECTION. i fix it to strive more towards being like Christ. i CHOSE to do it, and now im going to CHOOSE to fix it. being human has nothing to do with that.
so here we are, right back at the start; striving to reach expectations. or are we? God doesnt EXPECT us to be perfect, but He wants us to live FOR Him and LIKE Christ. so are we really having to strive towards expectations?
I finally feel like im DONE trying to reach people's expectations. people will always EXPECT stuff from us. to be smarter, or prettier, or wiser, or faster, or greater, or whatever. people will always be laying these expectations on us, and we will feel like we must reach those. but in reality, the only one that matters is Christ, and as He does expect us to obey His commandments, he doesnt EXPECT us to reach certain goals or certain standards. He WANTS whats BEST for us, which is to be the best person we can be.
feeling like i always have to reach expectations; thats a great burden to lose
there are certain things i have felt burdened with most of my life. having to be a mom to my younger siblings, being my mothers shoulder/partner/team. fighting my dad. making sure my siblings have more of a normal life than i did. pleasing people. being all that i could be, doing everything i could. being a person people like, being a person people want to be friends with. i feel like my entire life iv been striving to reach others expectations. this has been a HUGE burden.
in this past year i finally started reaching someones expectations. after years and years and years of never being good enough, or doing enough, i finally started getting it right. while i started meeting this person's expectations, old expectations started to fade away, or were slowly removed; mothering my siblings, having to hate my father and hold up my mother. while those left, it was like i was brought up from the floor. like i spent my entire life flat on the ground, and once these weights were lifted, i was finally allowed to stand. i literally feel like i stand taller now, like i have confidence for the first time in my life. all because one person believed in me. amazing how that works.
i have let this person down as well. i can still remember the first time i really disappointed him. i can still say it was one of the worst days of my life, and probably will forever be engraved into my memory. the guilt i felt from that was absolutely horrible, and has absolutely had a long term affect on me. because of that day, and those feelings, i never want to let him down again. since then, i can definitely say i have. not to the extent of that first time, but im sure i have. and i have come to face the facts; thats just life. its GOING to happen. you can try to avoid it all you want but its impossible to ALWAYS please someone. anyone, for that matter. its just not going to happen. we arent perfect.
there was a message in StuCo a few months ago talking about how people use the excuse "we're just human" when they sin. I REALLY hate that excuse, especially after hearing that message. Jesus was just human, but he was 100% perfect. so whats our real reason for screwing up all the time? no, we arent perfect. but not because God MADE us that way. its because of our CHOICES. we CHOOSE not te be perfect. obviously i make mistakes sometimes that arent INTENTIONAL, but i didnt make that mistake because im HUMAN. i made that mistake bc of a bad habit, or not paying closer attention, or trying to really focus and change myself. for example, i say something bad about someone, i.e. talk crap, gossip, whatever. i wasnt intentionally trying to talk bad or rip that person down, but I did it. maybe because iv done it so much in my past, or listen to people doing it all the time. thats a habit that needs to get BROKEN; to stop doing it, and not willingly listen to others doing it. its something i can fix. and i dont fix it to strive more towards PERFECTION. i fix it to strive more towards being like Christ. i CHOSE to do it, and now im going to CHOOSE to fix it. being human has nothing to do with that.
so here we are, right back at the start; striving to reach expectations. or are we? God doesnt EXPECT us to be perfect, but He wants us to live FOR Him and LIKE Christ. so are we really having to strive towards expectations?
I finally feel like im DONE trying to reach people's expectations. people will always EXPECT stuff from us. to be smarter, or prettier, or wiser, or faster, or greater, or whatever. people will always be laying these expectations on us, and we will feel like we must reach those. but in reality, the only one that matters is Christ, and as He does expect us to obey His commandments, he doesnt EXPECT us to reach certain goals or certain standards. He WANTS whats BEST for us, which is to be the best person we can be.
feeling like i always have to reach expectations; thats a great burden to lose
Sunday, June 21, 2009
day 4
day 4 was filled with excitement. we were finishing up work on the house taht day, going to the school, and that night we were hosting a block party in our neighborhood.
work went great in the morning. by the end of the week we had the first house completely primed and ready to do flooring, and the second house had dry wall up and we had been mudding and taping ceilings, as well as primed some parts of rooms and textureda lot of rooms. i was pleased with what we got done, but of course left wishing we could have finished the house. but glad it wont be long before they can move back in.
going to the school that day was exciting but sad. knowing it was the last day definitely was upsetting me; i had grown so attached to the children. we had to wait extra long to play with the kids, and i felt like i was going to explode. i felt like i was losing precious minutes, and i was not happy about it. we finally got to go out, and thankfully Rayne was back that day, but Iona and Alexis were not, which was a huge disappointment. I had hoped to be able to talk to Alexis again, and was sad that wasnt going to get to happen.
John from Trinity had given me a list of names of kids who had accepted Christ into their lives the week before, so must of day 4 I spent finding those kids and following up. I was happy to be told that these children realyl understood what it meant and were excited to give their lives to Jesus. I was even more excited to find out that one of the boys I had been playing with all week, Tyrone, was one of the kids who had became a Christ follower. great feeling.
there was one point during the day when a little girl I had been playing in the sand with came up to me and dumped a handful of shells and one pebble into my hand. she continued to tell me that she "loved me that many shells, and picked all the prettiest ones just for me, cause im so pretty". that little girl made me cry right there. all I had done was play with her for a few minutes, give her a hug and take her picture, and suddenly i was her best friend.
another touching moment was when Rayne wrapped her little arms around Jenna, and told her that she would miss her the rest of the summer. seeing how we had touched these kids lives really touched ours.
when the older group came in we got a game of four square running after some hula hooping and uno was played. the game went great, with our buddy mitchel telling us how exactly to get Chris out, who happened to be king most of the game. it was pure entertainment, these kids loved it, and i was having a blast too. even though im really no good at the game. i did get to be king once though! no thanks to my own teammates; those kids were way nicer to me than ceri, mac, or tyiesha ever were! :]
i connected again with the little girl named Erin mitchel had introduced me to. she told me she had 6 siblings, and she was in the middle. i told her i had 8, and i was in the middle too. she was happy to have someone who understood that pain, and was attached to my side a lot of that day, too. we got plenty of pictures together. she also loved pointing out that i was the "invisible erin" of the 2, referring to my skin color. see pictures to understand
saying goodbye was tough. i played it lightly, not wanting to seem upset or upset the kids. it was hardest saying bye to G man, i had grown so attached to him. i miss his hugs and i miss his smile. no matter what he will always be the one person who could cheer me up on the spot, just with a little grin. he gave me a huge hug and patted me on the head, telling me he would "see me later", and I said a little prayer right then that maybe some day that would be true. who knows, right?
after the elementary school we went back to our site and rested up a bit while all the other teams showed up. we got a corner team together and went to the streets, with Becky leading chants to draw attention and tell people about the block party. we walked around the neighborhood as well, inviting whoever we saw to come. we got back to the site and I waited anxiously for our kids to show up. we had invited a bunch, as well as the neighbor kids, and itwas almost a proud mother feeling; i loved those kids so much, and i just wanted to show off how amazing they were to everyone else at the block party.
while waiting, we blasted our CD from the van, and our whole crew got up and danced around. we got others to join in, and at one point I grabbed a little 2 year old and we danced for a while. while we were dancing he had pointed to something, so i assumed he wanted his mother and i went to her. as soon as I handed him over he was screaming and crying and reaching for me, and my heart just sank. i said bye and headed over to kerry and lindsey, and shared how upset I was that the child was crying. after some persuasion, I went and told the mother I really didnt mind holding him, and reached for him again. as soon as i reached out he grabbed my hand and screamed louder and cried harder, as i tried to tell the mom i really didnt mind. her face went from one of friendliness to one of complete hate; i dont think i have ever gotten a look that dirty. i instantly peeled my fingers out of the babies as she told me they were leaving and stomped away, with the poor thing still bawling his eyes out. that kind of crashed the block party for me; my heart just broke for the poor little child, and i felt horribly guilty. i had never meant to make the woman feel like i was not a friend. really i had tried everything to make her feel respected. but in turn she felt anger bc her child reached for me and wanted me over her. awful, awful feeling, upsetting her so much.
right after that little LaRon, the neighbor boy came out, and I turned my attention on him. i got to talk to his mom for a while, and told her what great kids she had. we got him some beads and let him show off his skateboarding tricks, and then got him a water bottle and they headed in. a couple kids from the school came and i met some of their mothers, and made it my goal to make sure those moms understood what a blessing those kids had been all week. i hope they really understand what amazing little bundles of joy they have, and how much i loved being able to spend time with them.
we prayed and cleaned up, but Bollie had not stopped by again. the team left upset we hadnt been able to say goodbye, but since I know where he lives I know if I go back I'll be ableto see him again. as long as he is still there. fingers crossed.
so that was pretty much the end of my trip. or at least the part I am going to blog about. i have been so touched by Bollie,the kids, the teachers, and the other people on our trip. my heart came back a little more stripped of its walls, and I know I am going to be a much friendlier person from this day on. I'm really praying hard for God's guidance, but at this point I really feel like I want to go back to New Orleans, just to spend time at that school helping the kids. we'll see what doors open.
work went great in the morning. by the end of the week we had the first house completely primed and ready to do flooring, and the second house had dry wall up and we had been mudding and taping ceilings, as well as primed some parts of rooms and textureda lot of rooms. i was pleased with what we got done, but of course left wishing we could have finished the house. but glad it wont be long before they can move back in.
going to the school that day was exciting but sad. knowing it was the last day definitely was upsetting me; i had grown so attached to the children. we had to wait extra long to play with the kids, and i felt like i was going to explode. i felt like i was losing precious minutes, and i was not happy about it. we finally got to go out, and thankfully Rayne was back that day, but Iona and Alexis were not, which was a huge disappointment. I had hoped to be able to talk to Alexis again, and was sad that wasnt going to get to happen.
John from Trinity had given me a list of names of kids who had accepted Christ into their lives the week before, so must of day 4 I spent finding those kids and following up. I was happy to be told that these children realyl understood what it meant and were excited to give their lives to Jesus. I was even more excited to find out that one of the boys I had been playing with all week, Tyrone, was one of the kids who had became a Christ follower. great feeling.
there was one point during the day when a little girl I had been playing in the sand with came up to me and dumped a handful of shells and one pebble into my hand. she continued to tell me that she "loved me that many shells, and picked all the prettiest ones just for me, cause im so pretty". that little girl made me cry right there. all I had done was play with her for a few minutes, give her a hug and take her picture, and suddenly i was her best friend.
another touching moment was when Rayne wrapped her little arms around Jenna, and told her that she would miss her the rest of the summer. seeing how we had touched these kids lives really touched ours.
when the older group came in we got a game of four square running after some hula hooping and uno was played. the game went great, with our buddy mitchel telling us how exactly to get Chris out, who happened to be king most of the game. it was pure entertainment, these kids loved it, and i was having a blast too. even though im really no good at the game. i did get to be king once though! no thanks to my own teammates; those kids were way nicer to me than ceri, mac, or tyiesha ever were! :]
i connected again with the little girl named Erin mitchel had introduced me to. she told me she had 6 siblings, and she was in the middle. i told her i had 8, and i was in the middle too. she was happy to have someone who understood that pain, and was attached to my side a lot of that day, too. we got plenty of pictures together. she also loved pointing out that i was the "invisible erin" of the 2, referring to my skin color. see pictures to understand
saying goodbye was tough. i played it lightly, not wanting to seem upset or upset the kids. it was hardest saying bye to G man, i had grown so attached to him. i miss his hugs and i miss his smile. no matter what he will always be the one person who could cheer me up on the spot, just with a little grin. he gave me a huge hug and patted me on the head, telling me he would "see me later", and I said a little prayer right then that maybe some day that would be true. who knows, right?
after the elementary school we went back to our site and rested up a bit while all the other teams showed up. we got a corner team together and went to the streets, with Becky leading chants to draw attention and tell people about the block party. we walked around the neighborhood as well, inviting whoever we saw to come. we got back to the site and I waited anxiously for our kids to show up. we had invited a bunch, as well as the neighbor kids, and itwas almost a proud mother feeling; i loved those kids so much, and i just wanted to show off how amazing they were to everyone else at the block party.
while waiting, we blasted our CD from the van, and our whole crew got up and danced around. we got others to join in, and at one point I grabbed a little 2 year old and we danced for a while. while we were dancing he had pointed to something, so i assumed he wanted his mother and i went to her. as soon as I handed him over he was screaming and crying and reaching for me, and my heart just sank. i said bye and headed over to kerry and lindsey, and shared how upset I was that the child was crying. after some persuasion, I went and told the mother I really didnt mind holding him, and reached for him again. as soon as i reached out he grabbed my hand and screamed louder and cried harder, as i tried to tell the mom i really didnt mind. her face went from one of friendliness to one of complete hate; i dont think i have ever gotten a look that dirty. i instantly peeled my fingers out of the babies as she told me they were leaving and stomped away, with the poor thing still bawling his eyes out. that kind of crashed the block party for me; my heart just broke for the poor little child, and i felt horribly guilty. i had never meant to make the woman feel like i was not a friend. really i had tried everything to make her feel respected. but in turn she felt anger bc her child reached for me and wanted me over her. awful, awful feeling, upsetting her so much.
right after that little LaRon, the neighbor boy came out, and I turned my attention on him. i got to talk to his mom for a while, and told her what great kids she had. we got him some beads and let him show off his skateboarding tricks, and then got him a water bottle and they headed in. a couple kids from the school came and i met some of their mothers, and made it my goal to make sure those moms understood what a blessing those kids had been all week. i hope they really understand what amazing little bundles of joy they have, and how much i loved being able to spend time with them.
we prayed and cleaned up, but Bollie had not stopped by again. the team left upset we hadnt been able to say goodbye, but since I know where he lives I know if I go back I'll be ableto see him again. as long as he is still there. fingers crossed.
so that was pretty much the end of my trip. or at least the part I am going to blog about. i have been so touched by Bollie,the kids, the teachers, and the other people on our trip. my heart came back a little more stripped of its walls, and I know I am going to be a much friendlier person from this day on. I'm really praying hard for God's guidance, but at this point I really feel like I want to go back to New Orleans, just to spend time at that school helping the kids. we'll see what doors open.
Day 3
day 3 started out rough. fighting with someone close to me, just a lot of emotions being pushed right and left. lets just say i was ready to get to the school and feel the children's unconditional love.
but... there was one super important part of day 3. ashley's birthday! the night before I had gotten a group together and we planned on getting up a couple minutes earlier and pulling a prank on ashley since it was her birthday. our plan was simple; get her in her sleeping bag while she was still asleep, carrying her out of the trailer into the grass, and sing happy birthday as loud as we possibly could. i had all my girls and a few of my friends volunteer, and we were standing around her sleeping bag literally reaching down to pick her up when a near-by alarm went off, and up pops ashley, out of the sleeping bag. at first we all froze and werent sure what to do until i called ashley back over and sternly told her to get BACK in the sleeping bag. she seemed a little confused, but i told her one more time to get back in, and she listened. i really hope im the only one honored with 100% obedience [besides her family i mean] or that girl may be in trouble in the future. anyway, she got back in and we grabbed her and carried her outside. we were a little thrown off by ashley being awake, so we made it to the deck and thats as far as we got. set her down, and sang her happy birthday. i would say it went fairly well. i was pleased we had enough people to carry her outside without dropping her; that would have made me feel pretty bad
worked during the morning, and lunch break was great. we all piled into the van, blasted the air conditioning, and rocked out to Dennis' awesome worship CD. there were a few songs in particular we were attached to, and one song we made our theme song; Saved By Grace. everyone who went on teh trip has now heard it, because we've blasted it at the block party [which you will hear about later] as well as in the church parking lot as we pulled in. We all LOVE that song. its a catchy song, and its long, and we all danced and sang like crazy people everytime we heard it. which was a lot. this time in particular one of Trinity's church volunteers was sitting on the house steps with his son eating, so we turned the song up as loud as it could go, rolled down the windows, and proceeded to rock teh van. literally. Jack [the worker] loved it, asked who it was, and then told us we HAD to play that song at the block party the following day. we were happy to do so.
this day was the day Bollie really made an appearance. we met him teh first day we worked, bc he lived up teh street and also worked up the street from where we were. he was a kind of older guy, but fit as could be, with a huge smile and even bigger heart. he stopped by every day, and we saw him multiple times, always running out to say hi and give him a water bottle to drink. in return, he told us stories. on day 3 he spent a good half hour with us telling us some of the story of the hurricane. his story absolutely blew our minds.
the water was over ten feet tall; you couldnt drive anymore, all you could do is swim. people were being picked up by helicopters and dropped off on the highway, pretty much left there to die. people were drowning like crazy right on the street we were working on, and dead bodies and dead animals would be soon floating all around. he was with one older guy, which is the reason he was still there anyway. they couldnt sleep on beds, for the fear that they would be shot. they ran out of drinking water, so they had to drink the flood water, which held all kinds of germs and diseases, which was what eventually killed the older man he was with. he told us a story of a mother who had 4 little children; one of them fell in the water, and the poor mother had to sit there and watch the child drown, bc she had to stay and protect the other 3. taht story just broke my heart. the first thing that popped into my mind was my girls. if any of them had fallen in, and i had to sit back to protect teh rest, it would absolutely shatter my heart, and i would feel guilty for the rest of my life. i love each and every one of them too much! and they're my SISTERS, imagine if they were my KIDS. wow, cant even begin to understand how painful that would be.
after Bollie's stories and a little more work, we went to the school again, and the boys joined us. another great day with them. more games, more volleyball. a lot of the kids we were close to were missign that day, like Iona, Rayne, and Alexis. but there were plenty of other kids to keep us occupied.
after that day with the kids, I was really beginning to feel attached to them. our group started calling them "Our Kids" bc its realy what it felt like. i would leave jsut wanting to go right back in and give each and every one of them an extra hour of undivided attention. it was hard to say bye
we had teh regular evening activities, no frogs in the shower that night. which brings us to teh end of day 3
but... there was one super important part of day 3. ashley's birthday! the night before I had gotten a group together and we planned on getting up a couple minutes earlier and pulling a prank on ashley since it was her birthday. our plan was simple; get her in her sleeping bag while she was still asleep, carrying her out of the trailer into the grass, and sing happy birthday as loud as we possibly could. i had all my girls and a few of my friends volunteer, and we were standing around her sleeping bag literally reaching down to pick her up when a near-by alarm went off, and up pops ashley, out of the sleeping bag. at first we all froze and werent sure what to do until i called ashley back over and sternly told her to get BACK in the sleeping bag. she seemed a little confused, but i told her one more time to get back in, and she listened. i really hope im the only one honored with 100% obedience [besides her family i mean] or that girl may be in trouble in the future. anyway, she got back in and we grabbed her and carried her outside. we were a little thrown off by ashley being awake, so we made it to the deck and thats as far as we got. set her down, and sang her happy birthday. i would say it went fairly well. i was pleased we had enough people to carry her outside without dropping her; that would have made me feel pretty bad
worked during the morning, and lunch break was great. we all piled into the van, blasted the air conditioning, and rocked out to Dennis' awesome worship CD. there were a few songs in particular we were attached to, and one song we made our theme song; Saved By Grace. everyone who went on teh trip has now heard it, because we've blasted it at the block party [which you will hear about later] as well as in the church parking lot as we pulled in. We all LOVE that song. its a catchy song, and its long, and we all danced and sang like crazy people everytime we heard it. which was a lot. this time in particular one of Trinity's church volunteers was sitting on the house steps with his son eating, so we turned the song up as loud as it could go, rolled down the windows, and proceeded to rock teh van. literally. Jack [the worker] loved it, asked who it was, and then told us we HAD to play that song at the block party the following day. we were happy to do so.
this day was the day Bollie really made an appearance. we met him teh first day we worked, bc he lived up teh street and also worked up the street from where we were. he was a kind of older guy, but fit as could be, with a huge smile and even bigger heart. he stopped by every day, and we saw him multiple times, always running out to say hi and give him a water bottle to drink. in return, he told us stories. on day 3 he spent a good half hour with us telling us some of the story of the hurricane. his story absolutely blew our minds.
the water was over ten feet tall; you couldnt drive anymore, all you could do is swim. people were being picked up by helicopters and dropped off on the highway, pretty much left there to die. people were drowning like crazy right on the street we were working on, and dead bodies and dead animals would be soon floating all around. he was with one older guy, which is the reason he was still there anyway. they couldnt sleep on beds, for the fear that they would be shot. they ran out of drinking water, so they had to drink the flood water, which held all kinds of germs and diseases, which was what eventually killed the older man he was with. he told us a story of a mother who had 4 little children; one of them fell in the water, and the poor mother had to sit there and watch the child drown, bc she had to stay and protect the other 3. taht story just broke my heart. the first thing that popped into my mind was my girls. if any of them had fallen in, and i had to sit back to protect teh rest, it would absolutely shatter my heart, and i would feel guilty for the rest of my life. i love each and every one of them too much! and they're my SISTERS, imagine if they were my KIDS. wow, cant even begin to understand how painful that would be.
after Bollie's stories and a little more work, we went to the school again, and the boys joined us. another great day with them. more games, more volleyball. a lot of the kids we were close to were missign that day, like Iona, Rayne, and Alexis. but there were plenty of other kids to keep us occupied.
after that day with the kids, I was really beginning to feel attached to them. our group started calling them "Our Kids" bc its realy what it felt like. i would leave jsut wanting to go right back in and give each and every one of them an extra hour of undivided attention. it was hard to say bye
we had teh regular evening activities, no frogs in the shower that night. which brings us to teh end of day 3
NOLA Day 2
day 2.
tuesday. about a week before Jake K had asked me if I would be willing to lead devotions on one of the days. I was extremely grateful and honored to be asked to do so, but freaked out at the same time. I've done a lot of acting/stage speaking, and random speaking in front of groups, but not realy PLANNED speaking. really iv only done that a couple times. so as honored as I was, I was a little scared to accept. but I did, knowing this is exactly the practice that I need. I had prepared a study all about opening your heart and being willing to let things happen, and trusting God through those things. i found some verses, linked some personal experiences, and was ready to go. i got up there, and started shaking. i always get nerves before getting in front of a group of people, which is ridiculous, and im hoping it will go away. but anyway, i spoke faster than i usually do, which is way too fast, finished the bible study in about 4 minutes, and forgot to pray. to say the least, it didnt go as planned. i am one who beats myself up more than others beat me up, so i took it pretty hard for a while. after praying about it i realized that i screwed up and there was nothing i could do about it, so move on. nobody's perfect. im not, and never will be. i took it as a practice and got on with it. ill be more prepared for the next opportunity, thats for sure
now, this is one of the days for me that really marked the trip. our team had found out we were going to get to go to the elementary school and play with the kids for a couple hours. to say the least I was ecstatic. I am a relational person, all the way, and i absolutely adore kids. we worked hard all morning, counting down the minutes to go clean up and meet the kids. I can honestly say I had no idea what to expect. the girls cleaned up, and headed outside, and it was like a slam of swarming mosquitos. that is, until you paid attention to them. then those dozens of harsh little kids turned into huggy sweet little children, and your hearts melted right along with their attitudes.
there were quite a few kids who stuck out to me, even just on the first day. I believe Alexis was the first. my first sight of Alexis was at the Uno table, which was a table in the corner where the kids pretty much played uno 24/7. Alexis had all the cards in her hands and was scowling while bossing and snapping at all the other kids, either telling me what to do or what they were doing wrong. Amy, Jenna and I sat down to play with them, and really were at a loss. We didnt know what to say in response to these kids being so mean to each other. I was sitting right next to Alexis, and i did my best to keep her calm while attempting to play their version of uno. which is one with no rules.
during this game we met a few other kids who are a big part of this week's story. Thomas, a sibling of some of the girls. Rayne, who you will hear plenty about, and Region. First impression of Region? She had quite the 'tude as well. one of the first thigns she did when we sit down was proudly show us the hair she was growing under her arms. if you know me, you know how much hair grosses me out, so this observation was absolutely disturbing for me. I think that was one of the main points during the week where I had to use all my willpower not to show my true emotion, as I congratulated her on this "achievement". a little after that, Alexis had done something to upset her, and up she ran and wouldnt play with us. I hopped up to follow her. She shoved herself agaisnt a brick wall and wouldnt look me in the eye as I tried every trick in the book to get her to join the group again. I finally promised her a spot on my team and so she grabbed my hand and ran me back to the table. hopping on my lap she took control and teh game started up again. that didnt last long and she ran back to her seat, but another little girl instantly picked up on the opportunity.
now Rayne had been sitting right by me from the start, and obviously had gotten a little jealous of Region being able to sit on my lap. so she demanded to be on my team and sat on my knee, holding the cards for me and telling me what to play. she soon decided she would be on mine AND jennas team, and sat on one of jennas knees while sitting on one of mine, had us hold our cards but still told us what to do. when we asked her name, she told me it was rayne, but then leaned and whispered in my ear what her REAL name was, which I was not to tell anyone. I will be keeping taht promise to her, considering she whispered it so quietly I never even heard what she said. as soon as cameras came out, rayne got excited. kerry took a bunch of dennis' camera, while we did goofy pics and smiling pics and random pics, over and over again. this is how we got mine and jennas all time favorite picture of Rayne, where she has her arms wrapped around jenna and they are both beaming. love that one.
now this takes us back to Alexis, who was still pitching a fit about obeying rules. I reached down and asked her if she wanted to take a picture, and she instantly attached to my side. we took one, and the next thing I know she was hugging me and practically napping on my shoulder. from that point on it was hard to get her out of my arms. I always felt a sort of connection with Alexis, bc I understood why she was acting the way she was. its exactly how I used to be, and sometimes still can be. I cover up emotion by being the leader or even being kind of nasty, but as soon as someone is willing to reach for my heart i melt. this is exactly what happened to alexis. i reached out to her, and the attention touched her heart in an unbelievable way. it just blew my mind that these kids just wanted to be looked out, just wanted to hold your hand.
and that statement brings me to G Man. his real name is Cantrell, but I wont ever call him that, so just think G Man. G Man is a tiny little boy, probably 7 or 8 years old. He smiled ALL THE TIME. my first interaction with him was playing volleyball with a huge green ball that was way too big for him. all I had to do was throw him the ball, he would smack it across the play area, run and get it, and we would do it again. this went on for quite some time, with other kids joining in along the way. one being a boy named Tamon. Now Tamon was a handfull. He was a male version of Alexis, all the way. He would go around hitting other kids with baseball bats, shove kids around, but as soon as you paid any attention to him he was super sweet.
I believe the last kid to really touch my heart in the first portion of the school day was Carnisha. sweet little Carnisha had a scowl that could burn you, but a smile that could make your heart flutter. she was another one that would sit on your lap and talk to you until your ears would fall off, and I just loved interacting with her at all. I grew quite attached to her, after just a short hour.
after the first hour, the prek/1st graders go in, and the older kids come out. the "older kids" are pretty much kids 2nd grade through 8th. the first 30 minutes or so jenna, becky and i spent talking to a girl named Iona. sweet girl, seemed 15, only 12. she told us all about her plans, talked to us some about the hurrice, and we talked to her about church too. we lated joined Kerry and a bunch of other older girls just to talk, play hand games, and take pictures. not too eventful, at least not compared to the first half of the day.
we finished up around 2, headed back to the site, and headed home. we grabbed all of our stuff and headed to the showers. I believe it was me, jenna, kerry, and leanne in the showers at this point. the showers is a little hut containing 4 different stalls. were all talking, taking our showers, when suddenly I turn around and there is a slightly large disgusting light green frog sitting right to my face. of course, me not being a fan of bugs/insects/nasty slimy creatures screamed like crazy. lucky for me, there is a little spot right outside of your shower that also has a curtain, where you can change your clothes. i step out there, still screaming, while the frog crawls up the shower wall and onto the shower head. by then i had somehow verbalized to the other girls what was in my shower, so they no longer thought i was dying. [kerry said that since my screaming was such high shrills, and multiples, not just one, she had considered either a man with a gun or a large animal in there with me. thankfully she was wrong]. as teh girls laughed at me hysterically i took the least amount of time i could to finish my shower and get out.
to say the least I was the laughing stock of the night. the story was told over and over again, and I still had a migraine from my own screams echoing in my shower. lets jsut say i was not looking forward to bathing again. and that brings an end to day 2.
New Orleans summer 2009 - through work day 1
I have actually been avoiding writing this blog. During the trip I couldnt wait to write all about it and post it for everyone. But for some reason once I arrived home yesterday, I lost all motivation for it. I honestly just did not want to write it. I believe that is for multiple reasons. For one, I am exhausted. Writing this blog is going to be emotional, and I', not really sure if that's really what I want right now. Another main point is that this blog will in no way sum up my trip. Really, it can't be put into words. You need to have had experienced it, or you just won't get it. Any person who went on the trip with me can vouch for that.
But here I am. I have gotten many requests for the full story. So here we go. I know a few of you I will be sitting down with and you will get more details, but I'll do the best on here that I can do.Be ready for the longest blog you will probably ever read.
So the trip down. We get to the church, get all registered, find out who our teammates are, and find out we will be riding with them in the vans. My team consisted of Dennis Taylor and Kerry Bard as the leaders, than me, Jenna Parham, Mac Saunders, Tyiesha Steele, Becky Steele, Chris Cacares, Matt Fuqua, Tyler Heye, and Felicia M. Later on Tyler and Felicia were switched off of our team, and Ceri Wilk was switched in. This was extremely exciting for me, considering Ceri is one of my girls. As is Tyiesha, who I was equally excited about having on my team. That's pretty much all you need to know about the first 2 days. Team, and travel. We stayed in a church called God's House Saturday night, got 0 sleep and sweat a lot. But it was roomie and we are super grateful, considering the church let us stay there on such short notice.
We arrived at Trinity Church in Covington, NO about 7 pm Sunday night. We got the ground rules, met the volunteers/staff, and were shown our accomodations. We would be eating in the sanctuary of the church, and boys would be sleeping on one half of it as well. While the girls slept in the youth trailer right next to the church. The trailer was great; air conditioned, a splattering of sofas, and dozens of Christian band posters. The only part I was not a fan of was the showers. We had a bad first impression when Kylee, Jenna and I went to shower and couldnt find the light, but found finger-sized bugs instead. Not good. You will later learn about my other good experiences with these showeres.
So Monday. Get up bright and early 5:45 to beat all the other girls to the bathrooms inside the church. [our trailer only had one bathroom, not really to be used for getting ready.] Had a good breakfast, listened to devotions from John, then got ready to work. Luckily my group was informed we were allowed to wear shorts, so most of us took advantage of that. Sadly Jenna and I were the wise ones who decided that our athletic pants would be just as good, no need to go change. mmmm. We packed a lunch of sandwhich, chips, granola bar, and a piece of fruit, filled up our cooler, and off we went. It was about a 45 minute drive to New Orleans where my team was working on 2 houses on Willow Street. We drove over the longest bridge over water on the way there, and it was gorgeous. see facebook pics for a teeny image of it. But really, no picture could capture it; it was incredibly beautiful, and it was peaceful to drive the 30 minutes over it. my favorite part of the drive, by far. we got there and got right to sanding; face masks and sunglasses on. within minutes you were DRIPPING sweat. I have never sweat that much in my entire life as I did this past week. Anyway, we sanded, and with the help of the other girls we got a worship sing along going, went very well. we all put 110% energy into those first hours, and then after a while were told to stop. Then is when we found out taht everything we had just sanded wasnt actually supposed to be sanded, but it was TEXTURE. so we ended up jsut making MORE work for ourselves, after wasting all of our energy and quite some time. we kept moods up, worked on other jobs, and that was the end of work day 1. headed home, raced for the showers, ate a well appreciated dinner of pasta, played cards, and hit the hay. emotions? quite negative, actually. I had gone into this trip hoping for God to completely shatter my heart. I felt it was what I needed and what I was going to get. a day in and I felt nothing. disappointing, thats for sure.
im splitting up the blogs by days, or they will be way too long. so thats it for day 1
But here I am. I have gotten many requests for the full story. So here we go. I know a few of you I will be sitting down with and you will get more details, but I'll do the best on here that I can do.Be ready for the longest blog you will probably ever read.
So the trip down. We get to the church, get all registered, find out who our teammates are, and find out we will be riding with them in the vans. My team consisted of Dennis Taylor and Kerry Bard as the leaders, than me, Jenna Parham, Mac Saunders, Tyiesha Steele, Becky Steele, Chris Cacares, Matt Fuqua, Tyler Heye, and Felicia M. Later on Tyler and Felicia were switched off of our team, and Ceri Wilk was switched in. This was extremely exciting for me, considering Ceri is one of my girls. As is Tyiesha, who I was equally excited about having on my team. That's pretty much all you need to know about the first 2 days. Team, and travel. We stayed in a church called God's House Saturday night, got 0 sleep and sweat a lot. But it was roomie and we are super grateful, considering the church let us stay there on such short notice.
We arrived at Trinity Church in Covington, NO about 7 pm Sunday night. We got the ground rules, met the volunteers/staff, and were shown our accomodations. We would be eating in the sanctuary of the church, and boys would be sleeping on one half of it as well. While the girls slept in the youth trailer right next to the church. The trailer was great; air conditioned, a splattering of sofas, and dozens of Christian band posters. The only part I was not a fan of was the showers. We had a bad first impression when Kylee, Jenna and I went to shower and couldnt find the light, but found finger-sized bugs instead. Not good. You will later learn about my other good experiences with these showeres.
So Monday. Get up bright and early 5:45 to beat all the other girls to the bathrooms inside the church. [our trailer only had one bathroom, not really to be used for getting ready.] Had a good breakfast, listened to devotions from John, then got ready to work. Luckily my group was informed we were allowed to wear shorts, so most of us took advantage of that. Sadly Jenna and I were the wise ones who decided that our athletic pants would be just as good, no need to go change. mmmm. We packed a lunch of sandwhich, chips, granola bar, and a piece of fruit, filled up our cooler, and off we went. It was about a 45 minute drive to New Orleans where my team was working on 2 houses on Willow Street. We drove over the longest bridge over water on the way there, and it was gorgeous. see facebook pics for a teeny image of it. But really, no picture could capture it; it was incredibly beautiful, and it was peaceful to drive the 30 minutes over it. my favorite part of the drive, by far. we got there and got right to sanding; face masks and sunglasses on. within minutes you were DRIPPING sweat. I have never sweat that much in my entire life as I did this past week. Anyway, we sanded, and with the help of the other girls we got a worship sing along going, went very well. we all put 110% energy into those first hours, and then after a while were told to stop. Then is when we found out taht everything we had just sanded wasnt actually supposed to be sanded, but it was TEXTURE. so we ended up jsut making MORE work for ourselves, after wasting all of our energy and quite some time. we kept moods up, worked on other jobs, and that was the end of work day 1. headed home, raced for the showers, ate a well appreciated dinner of pasta, played cards, and hit the hay. emotions? quite negative, actually. I had gone into this trip hoping for God to completely shatter my heart. I felt it was what I needed and what I was going to get. a day in and I felt nothing. disappointing, thats for sure.
im splitting up the blogs by days, or they will be way too long. so thats it for day 1
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Where has my joy gone?
I have found what is missing. I have found why my attitude has sucked so bad.
I went back and watched the 2 messages we have already had in our series studying the book of Philippians, all about joy.
I have HAPPINESS. But lately, I have lacked joy. My relationship with God was at a halt, and with it was my joy. I am not joyful when I do not have God running 100% of my life.
Ahh finally. I knew it didnt have to do with the fact that I turned 18
I know I have made this comment before, but it's so true; I can always tell in my own personal and spiritual and relational life when I have not been conversing back and forth through God.
I talked about a talk fast and a facebook fast, and I am currently doing both. I am putting a complete end to facebook until further notice, and my talking will cease greatly. i truly feel like this will help me LISTEN more, which is something i need to do. some to people, but mostly just listen to God and what He is trying to say to me.
I ALREADY feel calmer and more joyful, and I gave up facebook an hour ago. i feel like everything isnt as hectic and just go go go go go! i feel like its slowed down already a lot. and i feel peace. peace in knowing I am listening for/to the one person who can give me the right answers.
"When complaining and arguing begin to characterize who we are, when the complaining and arguing begins to affect our perception and our perspective of how we view life, it will always rob us of joy. And it will rob us of joy every single time."
- Shawn Williams
I went back and watched the 2 messages we have already had in our series studying the book of Philippians, all about joy.
I have HAPPINESS. But lately, I have lacked joy. My relationship with God was at a halt, and with it was my joy. I am not joyful when I do not have God running 100% of my life.
Ahh finally. I knew it didnt have to do with the fact that I turned 18
I know I have made this comment before, but it's so true; I can always tell in my own personal and spiritual and relational life when I have not been conversing back and forth through God.
I talked about a talk fast and a facebook fast, and I am currently doing both. I am putting a complete end to facebook until further notice, and my talking will cease greatly. i truly feel like this will help me LISTEN more, which is something i need to do. some to people, but mostly just listen to God and what He is trying to say to me.
I ALREADY feel calmer and more joyful, and I gave up facebook an hour ago. i feel like everything isnt as hectic and just go go go go go! i feel like its slowed down already a lot. and i feel peace. peace in knowing I am listening for/to the one person who can give me the right answers.
"When complaining and arguing begin to characterize who we are, when the complaining and arguing begins to affect our perception and our perspective of how we view life, it will always rob us of joy. And it will rob us of joy every single time."
- Shawn Williams
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Where Your Heart Belongs - Mainstay
You lost yourself in finding out
the wonders of the world will let you down
You gave yourself to those who never cared about your soul
They only cared for their own
It seems everyone has left you
You're not alone, I hear you call
And I've been waiting here for you through it all
You're not alone, come to the cross
And let me show you where your heart belongs
You've been down the darkest roads
and you know just how it feels to lose your hope
But don't give up on everything
when everyone has given up on you
And it feels like everyone has left you
You're not alone, I hear you call
And I've been waiting her for you through it all
You're not alone, come to the cross
And let me show you where your heart belongs
I will never leave you, come back to my open arms
To the only love you need
You're not alone, I hear you call
And I've been waiting her for you through it all
You're not alone, come to the cross
And let me show you where your heart belongs
Friday, May 29, 2009
Lyrics that TOTALLY relate to me
Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while
There's no such thing as perfect people
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed
And be changed by a perfect God
Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and where you've been
And you never have to go there again
Who lived and died to give new life
To heal our imperfections
So look up and see out let grace be enough
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Climb
I can almost see it, That dream I'm dreaming
but there's a voice inside my head sayin, you'll never reach it
Every step I’m taking, Every move I make feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing the chances im taking
sometimes they knock me down but no I'm not breaking
the pain im knowing
but these are the moments that
im going to remember most yeah
just got to keep going
and i, i got to be strong
just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I hate miley cyrus. i mean HATE her. if it werent for my small group girls, i would never have listened to her music or seen her [stupid] movie. the things i do for those girls. i mean really, some day they are going to kill me. becca with the zip line, andrea with dead mice, cer and ashley with miley, tyeisha with the high ropes course, and steph and court with the rock wall. honestly, i am not safe. i should just quit now. ahaha.
anyway. miley sucks, but this song absolutely ROCKS. the lyrics are amazing, and lucky me, they relate to my life right now perfectly. and, ironically, iv been hearing the song constantly ever since i realized that.
im pretty darn good at hiding my emotions, i must say. im getting better talking about them, but im still not very good at showing them. its impossible to be mushy, in fear of rejection. in fear of admitting my love and need for someone and then having it be taken away. just plain fear. i think im getting better at it, but i can never tell if im just going through a confident spurt, or an insecure spurt, or whatever.
i think it hit me in december. early, yes. i think i cried 9 out of 10 times i came home from stuco. scared of the change, of not having the support, of losing the people. now its come and i cant make myself cry. i WANT to cry. i cried at stuco while doing worship, but it wasnt much. and not even close to all of it. and ppl saw me crying, i freaked, i shut down, and now... nothing. i forced myself to go back into complete shock; no tears, no anger, no words. just... aches. my heart aches. im horrified of the fall, and never in my life have i doubted a decision like im doubting my college choice.
part of my knows i need to just shut up and listen to God. let him either comfort me or let me know im going the wrong way. I love my Lord, so so much. i am not ashamed of that, i am crazy in love with my Savior. I think about Him all the time, i know my entire life is thanks to Him. but in this exact moment.. Hes the last person i want to turn to. I know He has the answer, and it's one of those situations where im pretty sure i know what the answer is, and i dont want to hear it.
i can act like such a 5 yr old.
but i dont want to have to act like an adult right now anyway.
The struggles I'm facing the chances im taking, sometimes they knock me down but no I'm not breaking...
but there's a voice inside my head sayin, you'll never reach it
Every step I’m taking, Every move I make feels lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing the chances im taking
sometimes they knock me down but no I'm not breaking
the pain im knowing
but these are the moments that
im going to remember most yeah
just got to keep going
and i, i got to be strong
just keep pushing on
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
I hate miley cyrus. i mean HATE her. if it werent for my small group girls, i would never have listened to her music or seen her [stupid] movie. the things i do for those girls. i mean really, some day they are going to kill me. becca with the zip line, andrea with dead mice, cer and ashley with miley, tyeisha with the high ropes course, and steph and court with the rock wall. honestly, i am not safe. i should just quit now. ahaha.
anyway. miley sucks, but this song absolutely ROCKS. the lyrics are amazing, and lucky me, they relate to my life right now perfectly. and, ironically, iv been hearing the song constantly ever since i realized that.
im pretty darn good at hiding my emotions, i must say. im getting better talking about them, but im still not very good at showing them. its impossible to be mushy, in fear of rejection. in fear of admitting my love and need for someone and then having it be taken away. just plain fear. i think im getting better at it, but i can never tell if im just going through a confident spurt, or an insecure spurt, or whatever.
i think it hit me in december. early, yes. i think i cried 9 out of 10 times i came home from stuco. scared of the change, of not having the support, of losing the people. now its come and i cant make myself cry. i WANT to cry. i cried at stuco while doing worship, but it wasnt much. and not even close to all of it. and ppl saw me crying, i freaked, i shut down, and now... nothing. i forced myself to go back into complete shock; no tears, no anger, no words. just... aches. my heart aches. im horrified of the fall, and never in my life have i doubted a decision like im doubting my college choice.
part of my knows i need to just shut up and listen to God. let him either comfort me or let me know im going the wrong way. I love my Lord, so so much. i am not ashamed of that, i am crazy in love with my Savior. I think about Him all the time, i know my entire life is thanks to Him. but in this exact moment.. Hes the last person i want to turn to. I know He has the answer, and it's one of those situations where im pretty sure i know what the answer is, and i dont want to hear it.
i can act like such a 5 yr old.
but i dont want to have to act like an adult right now anyway.
The struggles I'm facing the chances im taking, sometimes they knock me down but no I'm not breaking...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
bible study
it's funny how I can always tell when I'm drifting from God and when I'm right on track. my insecurities come back, i start doubting, i get scared, im hurt much more easily than usual.
it's sad how dumb we can be as believers sometimes. iv always been huge on praying and reading my bible and talking to God. especially living back at my moms, when things were so tough. i didnt go a day without my devotional time. but then, i moved out. and its not that life got easy or perfect, but i was through with some of the stress i had before. it was my wall i finally got rid of when i moved out. and along with the stress, i got rid of my bible study.
it wasnt intentional. i suddenly could do waht i wanted and i lost the time. i no longer felt i "needed it" bc the mom situation was over, but how ridiculous is that? i need it as much now as i did before, if not more. i have more free time, more freedom, which means more temptation. so why would i stop reading my bible now? i need my strength, i need my support, i need my motivation to do the right thing. yet, i just ditched Him. its been over a month and iv barely read my bible.
i guess i just find it funny how stupid we can be sometimes. one thing improves and we dont need His guidance? ridiculous.
so here i go, im gettin back in line. with everything. excercise, eating right, reading my bible, etc. i cant believe ifinally got what i thougth would help me improve so much, and i let it help me back track.
it's sad how dumb we can be as believers sometimes. iv always been huge on praying and reading my bible and talking to God. especially living back at my moms, when things were so tough. i didnt go a day without my devotional time. but then, i moved out. and its not that life got easy or perfect, but i was through with some of the stress i had before. it was my wall i finally got rid of when i moved out. and along with the stress, i got rid of my bible study.
it wasnt intentional. i suddenly could do waht i wanted and i lost the time. i no longer felt i "needed it" bc the mom situation was over, but how ridiculous is that? i need it as much now as i did before, if not more. i have more free time, more freedom, which means more temptation. so why would i stop reading my bible now? i need my strength, i need my support, i need my motivation to do the right thing. yet, i just ditched Him. its been over a month and iv barely read my bible.
i guess i just find it funny how stupid we can be sometimes. one thing improves and we dont need His guidance? ridiculous.
so here i go, im gettin back in line. with everything. excercise, eating right, reading my bible, etc. i cant believe ifinally got what i thougth would help me improve so much, and i let it help me back track.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Don't ask, it is for my own personal use
Rachael H
Steph, Court
Ceri, Andrea, Jaid, etc
Mike R
Lisa W
Jess, Kylee, Tito; Disney
Maria C
Tim
Brandie
Ethan
Kaitlyn
Lexi, Katie
Steph, Court
Ceri, Andrea, Jaid, etc
Mike R
Lisa W
Jess, Kylee, Tito; Disney
Maria C
Tim
Brandie
Ethan
Kaitlyn
Lexi, Katie
Thursday, January 29, 2009
care
I was right. dinner was a miracle
sometimes all you need to do is sit with someone who loves you and just... BE together
before we knew it, over 2 and a half hours had passed. just talking. i cant think of one topic we didnt at least touch on tonight
charissa is such an.. inspiration for me. and a motivation.
thank you charissa, for helping me pick up my hurdle, so i didnt have to do it on my own
sometimes all you need to do is sit with someone who loves you and just... BE together
before we knew it, over 2 and a half hours had passed. just talking. i cant think of one topic we didnt at least touch on tonight
charissa is such an.. inspiration for me. and a motivation.
thank you charissa, for helping me pick up my hurdle, so i didnt have to do it on my own
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Erin 2.0
I absolutely loved the message today. I wanted to start off this new year as an improved Erin, and now I know how to get there. Well, not specifically. But I definitely know a few steps.
I have been extremely involved in CCC for some time, and I am worried that part of me is on auto pilot. So I am reflecting on everything I do at church and why I do it.
So I'll start off with Saturday night small groups. That has definitely changed over time for me. Loved it at first, and am now frustrated with it. But after hearing this message, I am even more encouraged to work things out with the other leader and myself. There is no way I am just going to hand over a small group because it gets a little frustrating at times. I started this small group because bringing people back to Christ is what I'm passionate about. And yes, group can get crazy and drive me out of my mind. But in the end, we are still preaching the message of God to junior high students that need to hear it. And I'm not going to give up on them or the other leader because they're immature; isn't that just a reason to work harder? I am more motivated to sit down with the other leader and figure out how to work through this the best way we can, so these kids continue to know Jesus through us.
I then have Sunday mornings. Yes I come because I love the atmosphere and being surrounded by people I care about, but it's more than that. From a volunteer stand point. I am able to greet if necessary, help with kids city if they need me. I want to be there to offer a helping hand to anyone in need.
I attend church because it helps me grow in my walk with God. I am constantly challenged in my walk, as well as reminded of God's love. And sometimes, that is exactly what I need.
My mother has accused me of only helping out at Shorewood because Tim was there. And yes, that was a huge positive. But really, I was able to expand the field that I was able to work in. I had more students to work with, more people who have not truly felt Jesus' love. And I could have been that for them. With Christ working through me, after a few short months I was able to become connected with a few of the junior high girls, and am continuing to be able to minister to them, even though I can't attend the actual campus anymore. I went through that experience and continue to work with these girls because it is me being able to live out my passion and my purpose, and spread the love of Christ.
StuCo worship band. Singing is how I praise and pray and worship the Lord. Being in the band, I can set an example to other students who also connect to Christ through worship. And if we didn't have students able and willing to volunteer their time, we wouldn't have a StuCo band, and there goes worship. Then one of the main way students connect with God is taken away, and there's no way I'm willing to let that happen.
StuCo itself. I really feel like God is working through CCC StuCo to reach as many kids as we can. And I feel like we [as in CCC, the staff, leaders, students, etc] have done a great job with that. I really feel like God is working here, and I want to be a part of it! I want to help as much as I can to strengthen people in their walk with God. StuCo helped me get where I am now, so I want it to be available to help other students.
I have noticed this year that every little job is such a blessing. Serving communion, doing offering, leading worship in Kids City or StuCo or the big service, helping with offering time, helping clean up or set up before and after StuCo, greeting, leading a small group in StuCo or kids city or an adult small group, bringing food for snacks, helping with snacks, selling snacks at StuCo, the 2 dollar challenge, any kind of technical thing. CCC isn't one big job, it's made up of a bunch of small ones, that all have their own specific meaning and importance.
If you aren't connected yet, or aren't putting any time in but want to, ASK. There is always SOMETHING we [as in CCC, StuCo, kids city, staff, leaders, etc] could use help with.
If you are feeling that you should be connected, don't let fear or time get in the way! Something will be found that fits you, you just have to take the first step!
I have been extremely involved in CCC for some time, and I am worried that part of me is on auto pilot. So I am reflecting on everything I do at church and why I do it.
So I'll start off with Saturday night small groups. That has definitely changed over time for me. Loved it at first, and am now frustrated with it. But after hearing this message, I am even more encouraged to work things out with the other leader and myself. There is no way I am just going to hand over a small group because it gets a little frustrating at times. I started this small group because bringing people back to Christ is what I'm passionate about. And yes, group can get crazy and drive me out of my mind. But in the end, we are still preaching the message of God to junior high students that need to hear it. And I'm not going to give up on them or the other leader because they're immature; isn't that just a reason to work harder? I am more motivated to sit down with the other leader and figure out how to work through this the best way we can, so these kids continue to know Jesus through us.
I then have Sunday mornings. Yes I come because I love the atmosphere and being surrounded by people I care about, but it's more than that. From a volunteer stand point. I am able to greet if necessary, help with kids city if they need me. I want to be there to offer a helping hand to anyone in need.
I attend church because it helps me grow in my walk with God. I am constantly challenged in my walk, as well as reminded of God's love. And sometimes, that is exactly what I need.
My mother has accused me of only helping out at Shorewood because Tim was there. And yes, that was a huge positive. But really, I was able to expand the field that I was able to work in. I had more students to work with, more people who have not truly felt Jesus' love. And I could have been that for them. With Christ working through me, after a few short months I was able to become connected with a few of the junior high girls, and am continuing to be able to minister to them, even though I can't attend the actual campus anymore. I went through that experience and continue to work with these girls because it is me being able to live out my passion and my purpose, and spread the love of Christ.
StuCo worship band. Singing is how I praise and pray and worship the Lord. Being in the band, I can set an example to other students who also connect to Christ through worship. And if we didn't have students able and willing to volunteer their time, we wouldn't have a StuCo band, and there goes worship. Then one of the main way students connect with God is taken away, and there's no way I'm willing to let that happen.
StuCo itself. I really feel like God is working through CCC StuCo to reach as many kids as we can. And I feel like we [as in CCC, the staff, leaders, students, etc] have done a great job with that. I really feel like God is working here, and I want to be a part of it! I want to help as much as I can to strengthen people in their walk with God. StuCo helped me get where I am now, so I want it to be available to help other students.
I have noticed this year that every little job is such a blessing. Serving communion, doing offering, leading worship in Kids City or StuCo or the big service, helping with offering time, helping clean up or set up before and after StuCo, greeting, leading a small group in StuCo or kids city or an adult small group, bringing food for snacks, helping with snacks, selling snacks at StuCo, the 2 dollar challenge, any kind of technical thing. CCC isn't one big job, it's made up of a bunch of small ones, that all have their own specific meaning and importance.
If you aren't connected yet, or aren't putting any time in but want to, ASK. There is always SOMETHING we [as in CCC, StuCo, kids city, staff, leaders, etc] could use help with.
If you are feeling that you should be connected, don't let fear or time get in the way! Something will be found that fits you, you just have to take the first step!
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