I was extremely excited the second i found out Tim was taking over shorewood as well. All of my camp girls go to that campus, and ill have even more of an excuse to see them now. it also means tim doesnt have to leave us. at ciy, i was scared crapless, for lack of better word, that we were going to lose him. he started acting funny, and i was sure that God had maybe moved him to go somewhere else, and knowing that it would be the right thing to do I assumed Tim would agree and move on. and i didnt want him to. so knowing we get to keep him at our campus AND another campus is getting blessed with him is pretty ridiculously awesome.
note about the God moving thing before I go on... i've learned so much about that. I was so mad when Nick left, and i did forgive him, but not because i finally understood. i forgave him because i knew it was right. but God was the one who told Nick to move up, he didnt just up and leave to hurt all of his students. he was doing what God told him to do. and seeing tim do that with his job, and now justin, too, my eyes have finally been opened. i felt moved by God to go into youth ministry, which is why im where im at now. so what if i had been like "no way, God, because if i do im going to hurt these people because im not going to become a doctor like they always wanted me to". ok no, its not the same situation, but a close enough example. well, i would never do that. i wouldnt say no to God, especially after that where i personally felt him talking to ME. because i love God and hes what i live for, so i automatically was like im on it and dived head first right in. so why do i expect other people to say no to God if even i cant? i truly get it now. i really do. even if tim felt in the middle of this year god was moving him to leave, i would be ok with it. i would miss him terribly, but i wouldnt be angry or bitter. because this is GOD were talking about here, not like, some boss or the government.
but anyway, back on track.
i was excited about this not only for tim, but for me. its my camp girls, and ill have even more of a reason to see them way more often. but seeing this whole transition, i didnt think about how PAINFUL it would be for the girls. i know they all think tim is super cool, and i think tim is freaking fantastic, so i didnt even think about the negative aspect. i got texts from a bunch of my girls this morning, but one in particular. and she was describing how she feels, what shes going through, and it was like a smack in the face; my camp girls who i love are going through the pain that i went through when nick left us. and at first i was like omg no. no no no. but then i realized that i get it now.
im not mad at justin because hes hurting them, bc i know why hes doing it. and given, im quite a few years older and a lot more mature than most of those girls and i cant make them understand it like i do. but i can be there. i can actually help them through this because I went through it myself! and i GET it. i know how it feels i understand the situation. not only is tim getting an awesome opportunity, but with his opportunity im getting one. im getting LOTS. to be a friend and a leader to all my girls who are struggling with this, who need someone who understands and will be there for them. in a way im getting a small shot at being a miniature youth pastor. in a small kind of way. and its SWEET. its exciting. extremely exciting. this is what im passionate about. THIS is why i so badly want to be a youth pastor. i want to help other teens through exactly what i had to go through. through all of it. and this is part of it.
just had to share that. its weird... kind of saying im excited about their pain... thats not what i mean, but it seems like it. its just the opportunities that comes along with life. things get tough, but no matter what, God is behind it.
:]
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Oh the wise leaders of my time
I was talking to Tim and he said something that really stuck about the whole J and L situation.
"If you are getting close enough that it would bother her, then it's too close."
AAAH, SO TRUE!!! what a perfect way to put it. if i am letting him past my boundaries to a point where it would make his current best friend worried, i have gone way too far. so thats my goal. to keep him at arms length [but in the emotional sense].
funny. because as much as it seems like i think about him a lot, he is rarely on my mind. when i think about certain things that he is linked to, yes he pops in. but in general, i barely ever do. which is awesome.
his ex sits next to me in lunch. today she brought him up with something we both noticed [he puts ice in his milk] and i could tell she was still super bitter. i was able to be like oh ya that and not a negative emotion past through me. tho one of our friends freaked and tried to change the subject, i was like what, wahts wrong? i was informed later it was bc of the other ex's reaction, and they wer worried i was just hiding it well.
dude, i didnt evn hav to put effort into not feeling pain. it didnt touch me. bc i dont care. i dont want him. i dont want 2 b with him. i dont want OR need him in my life.
how amazing is that? there was a point where i never thought i would be able to say that. man have i grown up, haha.
i must say im proud of myself. i was so careful with boundaries that even as i feel that i am losing mitchel bc of his mother, im not going through excruciating pain like always. oh tim would be proud :]
also when tim pointed out the whole intense thing, especially recently, i took some huge steps back and was like WHOA. everyone FREEZE. everyone is now held back a lot farther than they were. why let them stay where they are just to potentially get too close and hurt myself or make some stupid mistake? and i feel really good about it. its like an orbit kind of thing, with all different rings. [it was, but im changing it.]
the middle [first] ring is my best friend megan friel. lisa weber will always be one of my best friends, too, so shes on there. the next ring are my biggest role models and leaders and people i look up to; tim, rissa, and shawn hunt. floss isnt far behind, wev had some good conversations, even with him only being here a few months.
the next ring are the other people i talk to and hang out with a lot. matt, mitch, rachael harv, sarah swed, kaitlyn, kylee
the NEXT ring are people i LIKE to hang out and talk to, but arent as good friends with. ethan, billy, puchi, mac, leann, jenna, gaby, garret, alex, katlynn, nerinin, nicky, etc. [none of these are in any specific order]
i feel the ring idea is a bad idea. i mean, in general, its a good idea. BUT. why let certain people be more important than others? no, thats not how i want to phrase it. i guess im saying that i shouldnt let other people get too close, even if their the top ring.
no thats not right either.
whatever, ill sleep on it, phrase it right.
everyone should be in one safe bubble. at a safe distance, but not so far i cant reach them.
thats kind of what i mean. i just want to be careful. and now that my eyes have been opened it feels really EASY to be careful. because i know whats the WISE thing to do [ya stuco! i learn stuff! lol]
i love growing up dude. i cant wait to be out of high school and be done completely being a dumb teenager so i can REALLY grow up :]
"If you are getting close enough that it would bother her, then it's too close."
AAAH, SO TRUE!!! what a perfect way to put it. if i am letting him past my boundaries to a point where it would make his current best friend worried, i have gone way too far. so thats my goal. to keep him at arms length [but in the emotional sense].
funny. because as much as it seems like i think about him a lot, he is rarely on my mind. when i think about certain things that he is linked to, yes he pops in. but in general, i barely ever do. which is awesome.
his ex sits next to me in lunch. today she brought him up with something we both noticed [he puts ice in his milk] and i could tell she was still super bitter. i was able to be like oh ya that and not a negative emotion past through me. tho one of our friends freaked and tried to change the subject, i was like what, wahts wrong? i was informed later it was bc of the other ex's reaction, and they wer worried i was just hiding it well.
dude, i didnt evn hav to put effort into not feeling pain. it didnt touch me. bc i dont care. i dont want him. i dont want 2 b with him. i dont want OR need him in my life.
how amazing is that? there was a point where i never thought i would be able to say that. man have i grown up, haha.
i must say im proud of myself. i was so careful with boundaries that even as i feel that i am losing mitchel bc of his mother, im not going through excruciating pain like always. oh tim would be proud :]
also when tim pointed out the whole intense thing, especially recently, i took some huge steps back and was like WHOA. everyone FREEZE. everyone is now held back a lot farther than they were. why let them stay where they are just to potentially get too close and hurt myself or make some stupid mistake? and i feel really good about it. its like an orbit kind of thing, with all different rings. [it was, but im changing it.]
the middle [first] ring is my best friend megan friel. lisa weber will always be one of my best friends, too, so shes on there. the next ring are my biggest role models and leaders and people i look up to; tim, rissa, and shawn hunt. floss isnt far behind, wev had some good conversations, even with him only being here a few months.
the next ring are the other people i talk to and hang out with a lot. matt, mitch, rachael harv, sarah swed, kaitlyn, kylee
the NEXT ring are people i LIKE to hang out and talk to, but arent as good friends with. ethan, billy, puchi, mac, leann, jenna, gaby, garret, alex, katlynn, nerinin, nicky, etc. [none of these are in any specific order]
i feel the ring idea is a bad idea. i mean, in general, its a good idea. BUT. why let certain people be more important than others? no, thats not how i want to phrase it. i guess im saying that i shouldnt let other people get too close, even if their the top ring.
no thats not right either.
whatever, ill sleep on it, phrase it right.
everyone should be in one safe bubble. at a safe distance, but not so far i cant reach them.
thats kind of what i mean. i just want to be careful. and now that my eyes have been opened it feels really EASY to be careful. because i know whats the WISE thing to do [ya stuco! i learn stuff! lol]
i love growing up dude. i cant wait to be out of high school and be done completely being a dumb teenager so i can REALLY grow up :]
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Just a little spring cleaning
I'm taking a break from the never-ending job of organizing and cleaning my room to my own perfection [oh how I love having OCD] to think a little bit about my past.
I went back and read my blog from last year, and it irritated me beyond belief. I was informed that people were finding that blog instead of my real one [this one] and that bugged me. Because I am completely different, and frankly, I don't like who I was then. Over dramatic [though I do still slip, I must confess], immature, hurting... I just didn't like it, at all. A guy had way too much power over me. Seeing that now is sickening. The fact that I ever LET a guy have that much power is pretty pathetic. Let ANYONE have that power. Nobody but Christ should be able to control me and my moods and me emotions and my actions. No way.
But no worries! I figured out how to delete the blog. It's a nice feeling. I've wanted to get him and everything that happened as out of my life as I could. I had healed, gotten rid of everything he had given me, all reminders. Part of me thought maybe I should keep the journals, maybe I would want to look back at them. But as I think about it, those journals definitely weren't helping me move on.
Ta da! Last one is gone.
Nice feeling.
Just like cleaning out my room.
Which is going very well.
I finally [after a month of being in my own room] brought up my dresser. Yes, I have been going weeks without a dresser. No worries, my floor has done an excellent job.
When I brought up the dresser I was forced to move my book shelf to a different part of my room to fit my dresser. I cleaned off all of my brothers' books [it was their old room] and put them in our library and moved the book shelf. And then I realized I could put MY books on the shelf! [I know, I'm brilliant] I found all my books and stacked it up, covering almost 3 shelves, which is a lot. Now that I have all my books together, I am SO ready to start reading through all of them. Most of them I have gotten all the way through, but there are quite a few I bought or picked out of my mom's library that I have not gotten to. Books about religion, youth ministry, Christianity, helping with the bible, counseling others, and of course the dozens of book by Sarah Dessen, Stephenie Meyer, Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Weiner that I have grown to love on my own.
Something most people don't know about me: I am the biggest book worm known to man kind. People never guess that because I am extremely social and outgoing, but I look to books for everything. Advice, knowledge, an escape, anything. Usually I'm very pleased with what I find. And I am extremely excited to get back to reading as much as I did, now that my social life will die down a bit with school starting.
But for now, back to the room.
Now that I have books and CDs out of the way, on to clothes.
This should be fun.
I went back and read my blog from last year, and it irritated me beyond belief. I was informed that people were finding that blog instead of my real one [this one] and that bugged me. Because I am completely different, and frankly, I don't like who I was then. Over dramatic [though I do still slip, I must confess], immature, hurting... I just didn't like it, at all. A guy had way too much power over me. Seeing that now is sickening. The fact that I ever LET a guy have that much power is pretty pathetic. Let ANYONE have that power. Nobody but Christ should be able to control me and my moods and me emotions and my actions. No way.
But no worries! I figured out how to delete the blog. It's a nice feeling. I've wanted to get him and everything that happened as out of my life as I could. I had healed, gotten rid of everything he had given me, all reminders. Part of me thought maybe I should keep the journals, maybe I would want to look back at them. But as I think about it, those journals definitely weren't helping me move on.
Ta da! Last one is gone.
Nice feeling.
Just like cleaning out my room.
Which is going very well.
I finally [after a month of being in my own room] brought up my dresser. Yes, I have been going weeks without a dresser. No worries, my floor has done an excellent job.
When I brought up the dresser I was forced to move my book shelf to a different part of my room to fit my dresser. I cleaned off all of my brothers' books [it was their old room] and put them in our library and moved the book shelf. And then I realized I could put MY books on the shelf! [I know, I'm brilliant] I found all my books and stacked it up, covering almost 3 shelves, which is a lot. Now that I have all my books together, I am SO ready to start reading through all of them. Most of them I have gotten all the way through, but there are quite a few I bought or picked out of my mom's library that I have not gotten to. Books about religion, youth ministry, Christianity, helping with the bible, counseling others, and of course the dozens of book by Sarah Dessen, Stephenie Meyer, Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Weiner that I have grown to love on my own.
Something most people don't know about me: I am the biggest book worm known to man kind. People never guess that because I am extremely social and outgoing, but I look to books for everything. Advice, knowledge, an escape, anything. Usually I'm very pleased with what I find. And I am extremely excited to get back to reading as much as I did, now that my social life will die down a bit with school starting.
But for now, back to the room.
Now that I have books and CDs out of the way, on to clothes.
This should be fun.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
My Burden
im angry. so im going to focus on my really good morning. and if i dont feel better after talking about that, i will rant about why im angry. anybody who reads this, im sure, is now excited
KSU was awesome. i really liked it, and i got a lot out of it. i didnt really know what i was getting into when i went, so i guess how much i got out of it was surprising. i think thats bad...
anyway
the first class i went to was the teaching small groups 101 class. since i teach a small group, obviously i thought this would be helpful to me as a leader. i had no idea it would help me as a student, too.
while we were sitting there and tim was talking about all the different types of students [chatty kathy, shy sally, insensitive bully, etc] megan and i were jokingly putting down what names we thought that applied to in our personal small group. and then it hit me.
im SICK of ANY of us fitting in those categories. i mean, theres megan and i who are obviously chatty kathy. we have our insensitive people, our tangent starters, and our shy sallys too. and that irritates me. i mean, we are there to learn. to actually get somewhere. when i first got into stuco, my small group was the place i dumped my SOUL. seriously. that first group we had knows more about me than anybody else. as we get closer, you would expect us to be able to tell even more, talk even deeper. but its exactly the opposite. the closer we got, the more immature we got. our group turned into a huge joke. i mean, thats good, in some ways. my best friends are in that group, and we laugh so hard we cry pretty much every wednesday night. but its like tim said today. theres relational, and theres spiritual. and because of our immaturity, we never talk spiritual in group. ok, not never. but rarely. if i ever want to talk spiritual, i talk to megan or charissa OUTSIDE of small group. or mitch and tim. but isnt that what small group is supposed to be for?
i cant blame our small group on any specific person, because as megan and i talked about we all have our part in it. but megan and i are ready to grow up. so is everyone else? i feel really... guilty. i mean i look back and we were acting as bad as my junior high small group, if not WORSE. thats pathetic. and i have no respect for a single one of us acting like that. and i feel horrible to CHARISSA. shes tried so so hard. and has done an amazing job. and shes sticking out a whole nother year just for me and megan. so were gonna make it worth her stay. i just really hope the other girls are willing to step up and grow up too, or theres going to be some conflict.
while tim and i were talking yesterday, i realized a lot. not only that hes right, i have matured a LOT, but also, he was right about my relationships. when he was first talking about it, of course my stubborn butt was pushing back, wanting to deny everything he was saying. after thinking about it last night, i realized he was exactly right. he explained that he felt i got too intense with certain people in particular, and would focus my whole being on that one person, so if something went wrong, it would emotionally destroy me. and hes totally right. iv been way better about that since jared, but iv still done it. mike, for example. really, i cant think of anyone else. but im sure there are some.
i connect quickly with people, so people very quickly take on my "best friend" role. when in reality, they are just someone i connect with, and are a good friend, maybe someone i can trust. but best friend? ya right. it takes months for people to take that role, if not years. that has been megans job for over 2 years now. and lisa for 7 years before that. i mean, hello?!! YEARS, for both of them. other people have come along and wev been super close, but that doesnt replace these people. you can have awesome, AWESOME friends that last 3 months. you can have awesome friends that last 3 weeks. but it takes TIME for someone to become your BEST friend. and the fact i get so intense and am like omggg bffl is just stupid and immature. and dangerous. i am risking serious emotional pain to put so much trust in people that are, well, strangers, in a way.
of course, i was speaking to someone about that today and she was like well, what about mitch? and i do believe that mitch, in a way, is an exception to that. in a way. being still the first few months of our friendship and after talking to tim, i still want to be super cautious. but mitch and i started on a very cautious level anyway, because of the fact that we are both leaders at stuco. we walked right into this determined not to date or like each other, and always be careful with boundaries. and oh man, not to brag, but we RULE at that. i have never had a friend i was so close to that it was so easy to have good boundaries with. usually boundaries are out the window, and i dive head in and suddenly this kid i met 4 months ago is the guy i would take a bullet for. hold up. slow down. and this time, i actually listened. to God, to Tim, and even to mitch and myself. and its WORKED. so... effortlessly. well, not effortlessly. its taken some work, obviously, thats a given. but not much. and im really proud of that. im proud of myself. for FINALLY [for ONCE] setting good, safe, healthy boundries. and sticking to them. for over 3 months. for listening to tim and shawn, the people i went to for advice if i ever felt even the teeniest bit unstable. and for listening to God. by taking this friendship step by step, and seriously, i couldnt be happier. mitch is an awesome guy. definitely one of the best [spiritually, personality wise, etc] guys i have ever, EVER had as a friend. actually, hes not one of the best. he has beat out every other guy friend without even trying. a lot of it is probably because we started our relationship completely focused on Christ, and hes a believer, and thats a huge deal. and because of how... GRATEFUL i am to have him in my life, its been so easy for me to be careful with boundaries and not get too intense and screw it up for myself.
now, i just have to learn to be able to do this with all of my relationships
as tim pointed out, i have a lot of positive characteristics of a minister. but my huge flaw is this. if i focus so hard on certain people relationally, i will never be a good youth pastor. so obviously, i need to work on that. starting now.
sitting in KSU today, watching all of our leaders shake their butts and look like total dorks on stage... my heart SWELLED for each and every one of them. i LOVE stuco, and kids city, and adult small groups, and worship leaders, and just CCC as a whole. since i started coming over 2 years ago this church has totally captured my heart. and in some way, maybe i can stretch my intense look at relationships to include everyone within CCC. well not everyone, obviously that is a big number of people, a lot of them being people i dont know. but to stretch my.. limits. bubble. whatever you want to call it. i kind of relate it to bella from twilight [of course, lol] and how, in breaking dawn, her power is a shield. and with her mind she can "stretch" her "shield" [kind of her invisible bubble] out to more than just herself, or one other person. but it takes a lot of effort to stretch her shield. and i kind of feel thats what it is with me. i have this bubble, this SHIELD, and its easy for me to wrap it around myself, wrap it around one other person, and focus directly on that. but what God really wants me to do is to stretch my shield and reach out to others. many, many others. maybe not many others RIGHT NOW, but in the future. near future. yes itll take a lot of effort, a lot of strength, a lot of hard work. but i feel like thats what i should do. thats what i NEED to do.
if i could stretch my "shield" out to more people, i could positively affect way more people than i am now. i have like my, oh, 6 closest friends. stretching my shield wouldnt only positively affect the new people i can stretch to. it would positively affect me and the 6 closest friends i am already impacting. because the impact i already have will have healthier boundaries, i will be more careful with boundaries for myself, and i will stretch the love and compassion i have burning from Christ inside of me out to other people who need it as much as I have the past few years. just the thought of that is... exciting. its like a whole new torch is lit inside of me, a whole new goal, a whole new challenge, a whole new mission.
almost like this is my burden. to reach all those people out there who have been in my shoes. or in worse. or in way worse. or maybe, in even comfier shoes. anybody who needs an ear, a heart, a hand. to kind of be "Jesus" for junior high and high school students that need it.
hey. thats really cool. i just figured out my burden. seriously, blogging has been such a hit lately!
and oooh, politics.
Morgan sure taught me a lot tonight
Nice to have older, wiser, college friends. haha. always can lend a helping hand :]
I feel like my IQ just went up a thousand points. seriously.
oh and last comment.
shawn williams talked about how his burden is to help students have a servant heart. and i realized that is also one of my goals, to have a heart completely devoted to serving. most of my heart is already there. my life is extremely committed to Christ Himself, and within church, i want to serve as much as i possibly can. i just have to polish up my home servant heart, and im all set. and im happy about that. another sign i have picked up that shows how much i have matured. i love being able to see that MYSELF, ha.
KSU was awesome. i really liked it, and i got a lot out of it. i didnt really know what i was getting into when i went, so i guess how much i got out of it was surprising. i think thats bad...
anyway
the first class i went to was the teaching small groups 101 class. since i teach a small group, obviously i thought this would be helpful to me as a leader. i had no idea it would help me as a student, too.
while we were sitting there and tim was talking about all the different types of students [chatty kathy, shy sally, insensitive bully, etc] megan and i were jokingly putting down what names we thought that applied to in our personal small group. and then it hit me.
im SICK of ANY of us fitting in those categories. i mean, theres megan and i who are obviously chatty kathy. we have our insensitive people, our tangent starters, and our shy sallys too. and that irritates me. i mean, we are there to learn. to actually get somewhere. when i first got into stuco, my small group was the place i dumped my SOUL. seriously. that first group we had knows more about me than anybody else. as we get closer, you would expect us to be able to tell even more, talk even deeper. but its exactly the opposite. the closer we got, the more immature we got. our group turned into a huge joke. i mean, thats good, in some ways. my best friends are in that group, and we laugh so hard we cry pretty much every wednesday night. but its like tim said today. theres relational, and theres spiritual. and because of our immaturity, we never talk spiritual in group. ok, not never. but rarely. if i ever want to talk spiritual, i talk to megan or charissa OUTSIDE of small group. or mitch and tim. but isnt that what small group is supposed to be for?
i cant blame our small group on any specific person, because as megan and i talked about we all have our part in it. but megan and i are ready to grow up. so is everyone else? i feel really... guilty. i mean i look back and we were acting as bad as my junior high small group, if not WORSE. thats pathetic. and i have no respect for a single one of us acting like that. and i feel horrible to CHARISSA. shes tried so so hard. and has done an amazing job. and shes sticking out a whole nother year just for me and megan. so were gonna make it worth her stay. i just really hope the other girls are willing to step up and grow up too, or theres going to be some conflict.
while tim and i were talking yesterday, i realized a lot. not only that hes right, i have matured a LOT, but also, he was right about my relationships. when he was first talking about it, of course my stubborn butt was pushing back, wanting to deny everything he was saying. after thinking about it last night, i realized he was exactly right. he explained that he felt i got too intense with certain people in particular, and would focus my whole being on that one person, so if something went wrong, it would emotionally destroy me. and hes totally right. iv been way better about that since jared, but iv still done it. mike, for example. really, i cant think of anyone else. but im sure there are some.
i connect quickly with people, so people very quickly take on my "best friend" role. when in reality, they are just someone i connect with, and are a good friend, maybe someone i can trust. but best friend? ya right. it takes months for people to take that role, if not years. that has been megans job for over 2 years now. and lisa for 7 years before that. i mean, hello?!! YEARS, for both of them. other people have come along and wev been super close, but that doesnt replace these people. you can have awesome, AWESOME friends that last 3 months. you can have awesome friends that last 3 weeks. but it takes TIME for someone to become your BEST friend. and the fact i get so intense and am like omggg bffl is just stupid and immature. and dangerous. i am risking serious emotional pain to put so much trust in people that are, well, strangers, in a way.
of course, i was speaking to someone about that today and she was like well, what about mitch? and i do believe that mitch, in a way, is an exception to that. in a way. being still the first few months of our friendship and after talking to tim, i still want to be super cautious. but mitch and i started on a very cautious level anyway, because of the fact that we are both leaders at stuco. we walked right into this determined not to date or like each other, and always be careful with boundaries. and oh man, not to brag, but we RULE at that. i have never had a friend i was so close to that it was so easy to have good boundaries with. usually boundaries are out the window, and i dive head in and suddenly this kid i met 4 months ago is the guy i would take a bullet for. hold up. slow down. and this time, i actually listened. to God, to Tim, and even to mitch and myself. and its WORKED. so... effortlessly. well, not effortlessly. its taken some work, obviously, thats a given. but not much. and im really proud of that. im proud of myself. for FINALLY [for ONCE] setting good, safe, healthy boundries. and sticking to them. for over 3 months. for listening to tim and shawn, the people i went to for advice if i ever felt even the teeniest bit unstable. and for listening to God. by taking this friendship step by step, and seriously, i couldnt be happier. mitch is an awesome guy. definitely one of the best [spiritually, personality wise, etc] guys i have ever, EVER had as a friend. actually, hes not one of the best. he has beat out every other guy friend without even trying. a lot of it is probably because we started our relationship completely focused on Christ, and hes a believer, and thats a huge deal. and because of how... GRATEFUL i am to have him in my life, its been so easy for me to be careful with boundaries and not get too intense and screw it up for myself.
now, i just have to learn to be able to do this with all of my relationships
as tim pointed out, i have a lot of positive characteristics of a minister. but my huge flaw is this. if i focus so hard on certain people relationally, i will never be a good youth pastor. so obviously, i need to work on that. starting now.
sitting in KSU today, watching all of our leaders shake their butts and look like total dorks on stage... my heart SWELLED for each and every one of them. i LOVE stuco, and kids city, and adult small groups, and worship leaders, and just CCC as a whole. since i started coming over 2 years ago this church has totally captured my heart. and in some way, maybe i can stretch my intense look at relationships to include everyone within CCC. well not everyone, obviously that is a big number of people, a lot of them being people i dont know. but to stretch my.. limits. bubble. whatever you want to call it. i kind of relate it to bella from twilight [of course, lol] and how, in breaking dawn, her power is a shield. and with her mind she can "stretch" her "shield" [kind of her invisible bubble] out to more than just herself, or one other person. but it takes a lot of effort to stretch her shield. and i kind of feel thats what it is with me. i have this bubble, this SHIELD, and its easy for me to wrap it around myself, wrap it around one other person, and focus directly on that. but what God really wants me to do is to stretch my shield and reach out to others. many, many others. maybe not many others RIGHT NOW, but in the future. near future. yes itll take a lot of effort, a lot of strength, a lot of hard work. but i feel like thats what i should do. thats what i NEED to do.
if i could stretch my "shield" out to more people, i could positively affect way more people than i am now. i have like my, oh, 6 closest friends. stretching my shield wouldnt only positively affect the new people i can stretch to. it would positively affect me and the 6 closest friends i am already impacting. because the impact i already have will have healthier boundaries, i will be more careful with boundaries for myself, and i will stretch the love and compassion i have burning from Christ inside of me out to other people who need it as much as I have the past few years. just the thought of that is... exciting. its like a whole new torch is lit inside of me, a whole new goal, a whole new challenge, a whole new mission.
almost like this is my burden. to reach all those people out there who have been in my shoes. or in worse. or in way worse. or maybe, in even comfier shoes. anybody who needs an ear, a heart, a hand. to kind of be "Jesus" for junior high and high school students that need it.
hey. thats really cool. i just figured out my burden. seriously, blogging has been such a hit lately!
and oooh, politics.
Morgan sure taught me a lot tonight
Nice to have older, wiser, college friends. haha. always can lend a helping hand :]
I feel like my IQ just went up a thousand points. seriously.
oh and last comment.
shawn williams talked about how his burden is to help students have a servant heart. and i realized that is also one of my goals, to have a heart completely devoted to serving. most of my heart is already there. my life is extremely committed to Christ Himself, and within church, i want to serve as much as i possibly can. i just have to polish up my home servant heart, and im all set. and im happy about that. another sign i have picked up that shows how much i have matured. i love being able to see that MYSELF, ha.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Comforter, Healer, My Reedemer
the only one who took you in
the only who held your hand, defended you against the others...
so, last night. i havent really let myself think about it, so i guess now is my chance to think it all through. i just went back and read through our whole online conversation. though it was nothing compared to the conversation we had after that on the phone.
i dont get it. i dont get why some of this stuff happens.
part of me is shrinking back from replaying it all. i love my life. and iv done a great job avoiding or getting rid of all negative parts of it. or fixing it really fast, so its only like a slight burn when the pain hits. and i kind of did that with mike, but it wasnt as easy.
when everything happened with jared, i was in the most excruciating pain i had ever been in. and it lasted for months. i honestly thought i would never feel pain as deep and scarring as that ever again.
i was such an idiot.
it was proven last night that that statement is very untrue. oh, ill feel it again. and ill feel it a lot. and it will get worse, considering the situations.
last night i got a hot flash of what i went through with jared. the pain absolutely felt like it was eating me from the inside out. the second book in the twilight series, New Moon, has a huge section where it is kind of expressing Bella's grief in whatever ways it could. It talked a lot about how Bella would wrap her arms around herself, almost as if she was holding herself together so she wouldnt fall apart. I always felt that it was an over dramatization, but then it happened to me. i found myself curled up in a ball, crying hot tears and choking out sobs, praying that my heart would in some way, some day, heal. that happened mostly after jared and i completely stopped talking. i felt so alone, so betrayed, so ridiculously empty. i cried myself to sleep every night for MONTHS. thankfully God stepped in and helped my heal and move on, and here I am a year later, easily able to talk about it, without a speck of pain touching me.
but then mike.
part of me thinks maybe i shouldnt have let him back in, and this could have been avoided. but i know everything happens for a reason, so i just need to wait it out. but so far i havent seen the reason. actually. it just dawned on me.
during the 3 years that mike and i stopped talking, between 8th grade and now, i felt like i had screwed up. i took 100% blame for him leaving, and i missed him like crazy. i was okay, and it wasnt like i was dying without him. but it pained me to see him super close to other people. when he came back, i was so, so excited. like omg, mike missed me, and he loves me, and he cares, and he came back. i devoted the last 2 months to being there for him absolutely every second he needed me. i lost so much sleep, and then started taking his troubles on me. when we got in that fight last night, i saw a side of mike i had never seen before. his REAL side. and it made me realize that I hadnt been the one who screwed up. i was the best friend i could be, loyal to the end, would have given up everything in a split second. he was the one making the mistakes.
as much as it hurts to say this, mike was using me. it wasnt me he needed or loved. i mean ya, i was a great friend, but thats all he wanted. it didnt matter that it was ME being the great friend. he just needed someone to be a great friend. even last night. we got in that huge, screaming fight. we said awful things back and forth for an hour online, and then an hour on the phone [which i shouldnt have answered], he started trying to ask my advice.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! He sat there, knowing he was totally breaking my heart. he KNEW it. we were on the phone, and its not like he couldnt hear me crying or my voice shaking. it was obvious. he had wounded me so deeply, bc i had believed he was one of my best friends. towards the end of the conversation, it suddenly switched. nothing he was saying made any sense as to why him and i werent talking. i was like mike, i dont get it. i dont understand. what does that have to do with you leaving? and he would be like well... what would you do with this? and that? this person is hurting me... im so lost, maybe ill quit this, maybe ill leave that... i was absolutely shocked. i was pretty much consumed by hysterical laughter at that point, and he obviously thought i was going crazy. but by the time i was able to speak i was screaming at him, hard core. how could he DARE to sit here and use me for advice while i cried because of the pain he was causing me.
his excuse? "you always said you would be there for me, no matter what. after i left in 8th grade i came back and you were there for me, so why not now?"
that time it took a lot longer to control my laughing spasms. i mean honestly? wow. you use me. i point it out. you make me cry. you know it. and your STILL gonna use me??
i pretty much laid down the law right then. no more, i was done. i wasnt going to let him back in for the 3rd time only to let him leave with another chunk of my heart. he got pissed, embarrassed, offended... frankly i dont care how he felt. i kept laughing at him to the point where he got frustrated, said some more hateful things, and we said goodbye.
just like those many months with jared, i went to sleep last night trying to hold myself together. definitely the hardest iv cried in quite a while.
i totally got side tracked. my epiphany. so i just realized why this happened.
when he left, i was hurt, and i missed him [when he left the first time]
and now, i dont have to be upset anymore.
i wont feel guitly, gosh, i wont even MISS him.
and you know why?
because i know who he really is now. i always thought i knew, but i was always wrong. now i know, and i dont have to hurt over it anymore.
so in a small way, that pain was Gods blessing so i wouldnt have to feel that pain for the rest of my life.
i always knew there was a point to my blogging. yes i ramble. and talk to myself like a complete idiot. and replay the stories and memories from in my head so i can read them over and try to better understand. but because of my blogging, i just realized why this all happened. which is just one more way to help me get over it faster.
the only who held your hand, defended you against the others...
so, last night. i havent really let myself think about it, so i guess now is my chance to think it all through. i just went back and read through our whole online conversation. though it was nothing compared to the conversation we had after that on the phone.
i dont get it. i dont get why some of this stuff happens.
part of me is shrinking back from replaying it all. i love my life. and iv done a great job avoiding or getting rid of all negative parts of it. or fixing it really fast, so its only like a slight burn when the pain hits. and i kind of did that with mike, but it wasnt as easy.
when everything happened with jared, i was in the most excruciating pain i had ever been in. and it lasted for months. i honestly thought i would never feel pain as deep and scarring as that ever again.
i was such an idiot.
it was proven last night that that statement is very untrue. oh, ill feel it again. and ill feel it a lot. and it will get worse, considering the situations.
last night i got a hot flash of what i went through with jared. the pain absolutely felt like it was eating me from the inside out. the second book in the twilight series, New Moon, has a huge section where it is kind of expressing Bella's grief in whatever ways it could. It talked a lot about how Bella would wrap her arms around herself, almost as if she was holding herself together so she wouldnt fall apart. I always felt that it was an over dramatization, but then it happened to me. i found myself curled up in a ball, crying hot tears and choking out sobs, praying that my heart would in some way, some day, heal. that happened mostly after jared and i completely stopped talking. i felt so alone, so betrayed, so ridiculously empty. i cried myself to sleep every night for MONTHS. thankfully God stepped in and helped my heal and move on, and here I am a year later, easily able to talk about it, without a speck of pain touching me.
but then mike.
part of me thinks maybe i shouldnt have let him back in, and this could have been avoided. but i know everything happens for a reason, so i just need to wait it out. but so far i havent seen the reason. actually. it just dawned on me.
during the 3 years that mike and i stopped talking, between 8th grade and now, i felt like i had screwed up. i took 100% blame for him leaving, and i missed him like crazy. i was okay, and it wasnt like i was dying without him. but it pained me to see him super close to other people. when he came back, i was so, so excited. like omg, mike missed me, and he loves me, and he cares, and he came back. i devoted the last 2 months to being there for him absolutely every second he needed me. i lost so much sleep, and then started taking his troubles on me. when we got in that fight last night, i saw a side of mike i had never seen before. his REAL side. and it made me realize that I hadnt been the one who screwed up. i was the best friend i could be, loyal to the end, would have given up everything in a split second. he was the one making the mistakes.
as much as it hurts to say this, mike was using me. it wasnt me he needed or loved. i mean ya, i was a great friend, but thats all he wanted. it didnt matter that it was ME being the great friend. he just needed someone to be a great friend. even last night. we got in that huge, screaming fight. we said awful things back and forth for an hour online, and then an hour on the phone [which i shouldnt have answered], he started trying to ask my advice.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! He sat there, knowing he was totally breaking my heart. he KNEW it. we were on the phone, and its not like he couldnt hear me crying or my voice shaking. it was obvious. he had wounded me so deeply, bc i had believed he was one of my best friends. towards the end of the conversation, it suddenly switched. nothing he was saying made any sense as to why him and i werent talking. i was like mike, i dont get it. i dont understand. what does that have to do with you leaving? and he would be like well... what would you do with this? and that? this person is hurting me... im so lost, maybe ill quit this, maybe ill leave that... i was absolutely shocked. i was pretty much consumed by hysterical laughter at that point, and he obviously thought i was going crazy. but by the time i was able to speak i was screaming at him, hard core. how could he DARE to sit here and use me for advice while i cried because of the pain he was causing me.
his excuse? "you always said you would be there for me, no matter what. after i left in 8th grade i came back and you were there for me, so why not now?"
that time it took a lot longer to control my laughing spasms. i mean honestly? wow. you use me. i point it out. you make me cry. you know it. and your STILL gonna use me??
i pretty much laid down the law right then. no more, i was done. i wasnt going to let him back in for the 3rd time only to let him leave with another chunk of my heart. he got pissed, embarrassed, offended... frankly i dont care how he felt. i kept laughing at him to the point where he got frustrated, said some more hateful things, and we said goodbye.
just like those many months with jared, i went to sleep last night trying to hold myself together. definitely the hardest iv cried in quite a while.
i totally got side tracked. my epiphany. so i just realized why this happened.
when he left, i was hurt, and i missed him [when he left the first time]
and now, i dont have to be upset anymore.
i wont feel guitly, gosh, i wont even MISS him.
and you know why?
because i know who he really is now. i always thought i knew, but i was always wrong. now i know, and i dont have to hurt over it anymore.
so in a small way, that pain was Gods blessing so i wouldnt have to feel that pain for the rest of my life.
i always knew there was a point to my blogging. yes i ramble. and talk to myself like a complete idiot. and replay the stories and memories from in my head so i can read them over and try to better understand. but because of my blogging, i just realized why this all happened. which is just one more way to help me get over it faster.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
college college college
this is the best way I have to keep track off all my college research. so here it goes :]
All the schools that offer a degree in theology, and a major in youth ministry:
Trinity Christian College - about an hour away
tuition for one year - 10,000. plus room and board, about 15,000 yearly
Olivet Nazarene University - about an hour away
cost for one year - 30,000 [ouch, but good scholarships offered]
North Park University - about an hour, could take the train
cost for one year - 25,000
Moody Bible Institute - about an hour, could take the train
cost for one year - 25,000
Lincoln Christian College - about 2 1/2 hours
cost for one year - about 18,000
At this point, my top choices: Olivet and Trinity. Good schools, and not too far. LCC is my 3rd choice. Trinity and Lincoln aren't too pricey, but Olivet does offer a lot of scholarships that I could earn. With Jordan having gone to Olivet and loving it, it definitely seems more... attractive, in a sense. And I've heard nothing but good things about Trinity and Lincoln as well.
Now, it's just time to apply. and hopefully get some darn good scholarships.
All the schools that offer a degree in theology, and a major in youth ministry:
Trinity Christian College - about an hour away
tuition for one year - 10,000. plus room and board, about 15,000 yearly
Olivet Nazarene University - about an hour away
cost for one year - 30,000 [ouch, but good scholarships offered]
North Park University - about an hour, could take the train
cost for one year - 25,000
Moody Bible Institute - about an hour, could take the train
cost for one year - 25,000
Lincoln Christian College - about 2 1/2 hours
cost for one year - about 18,000
At this point, my top choices: Olivet and Trinity. Good schools, and not too far. LCC is my 3rd choice. Trinity and Lincoln aren't too pricey, but Olivet does offer a lot of scholarships that I could earn. With Jordan having gone to Olivet and loving it, it definitely seems more... attractive, in a sense. And I've heard nothing but good things about Trinity and Lincoln as well.
Now, it's just time to apply. and hopefully get some darn good scholarships.
Judas
The only one who took you in
The only one who held your hand
Defended you against the others
Had your back on everything
Never let you down
You turned around betrayed your only brother
Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget meCouldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me
I will never be like you
I'll never do the things you do
Selfish and lonely, what's your problem
Letting go of you and this
Is harder than I thought but I will not be poisoned by your actions
Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget me
Couldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me
Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
Down, you let me down
Its kind of funny. almost like im going through the stages of grief. denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance. its ridiculous. i thought you only went through the stages when it was something really huge, like death. i guess it just depends on whats huge to YOU.
at first i made excuses for him. not only to my mom, or my other friends. but to myself. i didnt want to destroy his oh so perfect image. its exactly what i did with jared. for years. i think thats the only reason i caught myself; i related him to jared. and as soon as that happened, the alarms went crazy. if my mind related him to jared... i needed to get out and STAY out. then i got angry. how could he hurt me? how could he leave when i gave EVERYTHING for him? i was there for him 24/7, i was the most loyal friend he had EVER had. i took way too much crap. gave up way too much. and then i bargained it. well, maybe if i just get over it and not say anything, we can still be friends. ill just pretend he did nothing so i can still have him in my life. then depression. iv been crying myself to sleep for the past few nights because of him. it just hurt. deep down. so now do i get to accept it and move on? i feel like im still in the depression stage. is that usually the longest? i remember with jared, even after the depression, i kept going backwards. instead of accepting it, i would get angry again. i would even revert back to denial. i was all over the place. only recently did i really accept that. so is that how its gonna be now? i mean this is a total different situation. for one im not in love with him. and technicalyl we werent friends for as long as jared and i were. our relationship was totally different. but he was one of my closest friends, so i guess that stands for something.
i feel so stupid even talking about it. i feel like i should just wipe my shoulders off and keep on truckin it. its dumb that im letting it get to me so much. im trying not to. but its not really something i can help. i think after last night ill be fine. i cried pretty hard, but i prayed even harder. i know God let this happen for a reason. He wouldnt let some jerk walk in my life and then back out for nothing. i know theres a reason. i just wish i could FIND it.
stupid blog. all i do is ramble.
i guess im glad nobody reads it. i would probably lose all my friends.
:]
The only one who held your hand
Defended you against the others
Had your back on everything
Never let you down
You turned around betrayed your only brother
Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget meCouldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me
I will never be like you
I'll never do the things you do
Selfish and lonely, what's your problem
Letting go of you and this
Is harder than I thought but I will not be poisoned by your actions
Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget me
Couldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me
Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
Down, you let me down
Its kind of funny. almost like im going through the stages of grief. denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance. its ridiculous. i thought you only went through the stages when it was something really huge, like death. i guess it just depends on whats huge to YOU.
at first i made excuses for him. not only to my mom, or my other friends. but to myself. i didnt want to destroy his oh so perfect image. its exactly what i did with jared. for years. i think thats the only reason i caught myself; i related him to jared. and as soon as that happened, the alarms went crazy. if my mind related him to jared... i needed to get out and STAY out. then i got angry. how could he hurt me? how could he leave when i gave EVERYTHING for him? i was there for him 24/7, i was the most loyal friend he had EVER had. i took way too much crap. gave up way too much. and then i bargained it. well, maybe if i just get over it and not say anything, we can still be friends. ill just pretend he did nothing so i can still have him in my life. then depression. iv been crying myself to sleep for the past few nights because of him. it just hurt. deep down. so now do i get to accept it and move on? i feel like im still in the depression stage. is that usually the longest? i remember with jared, even after the depression, i kept going backwards. instead of accepting it, i would get angry again. i would even revert back to denial. i was all over the place. only recently did i really accept that. so is that how its gonna be now? i mean this is a total different situation. for one im not in love with him. and technicalyl we werent friends for as long as jared and i were. our relationship was totally different. but he was one of my closest friends, so i guess that stands for something.
i feel so stupid even talking about it. i feel like i should just wipe my shoulders off and keep on truckin it. its dumb that im letting it get to me so much. im trying not to. but its not really something i can help. i think after last night ill be fine. i cried pretty hard, but i prayed even harder. i know God let this happen for a reason. He wouldnt let some jerk walk in my life and then back out for nothing. i know theres a reason. i just wish i could FIND it.
stupid blog. all i do is ramble.
i guess im glad nobody reads it. i would probably lose all my friends.
:]
Sunday, August 17, 2008
And I have realized...
the last 24 hours have been... a lot. great... yet horrible... i didnt know a few hours could hold that many ups and downs. i went through like a months worth of emotions in one night and morning. crazy.
i was so excited to have mike home. SO excited. i missed him so much, and i couldnt wait to talk to him. he calls, and right from the start, he was straight up RUDE to me. rude. and hes never rude. so that immediately set off the warning lights. and then he gots a call on the other line, and switches over, and i sit on hold for freaking 20 minutes before i was like screw this. i waited another 20 minutes or so and called him back, and he was all like "oh im so sorry, this friend called, and we hvnt talked in forever..." really? umm. well. i hadnt talked to him in over 12 days. so doesnt the fact that we were talking matter? apparently not. he hangs up saying hell call me right back, and calls me back after a few minutes, saying she had to go. i blew it off, forgot about it, and kept talking. he kept telling me stories about his cruise, and then 5 minutes after he told me something, he would admit he made it up. what? really? i didnt get why he felt like he had to keep lying about. i mean he told me the truth anyway, so what was the point in doing it in the first place? that irritated me, the fact that he kept lying. little unimportant lies, yeah, but if your willing to lie about that how do i know your not lying about big important stuff?
2 hours pass, and he gets a call on the other line. and, once again, i wait for a while, and he doesnt switch over. this time im angry. deep down offended and pissed off. i hang up, and wait 30 minutes, still without a call back. of course my mind is scrambling to come up with some excuse for my precious mike, so his oh so awesome image doesnt get wounded. im thinking, well, maybe there was an emergency. i wait a little longer, and then my mind has talked me into believing something bad has happened, and i get worried, and i call him back. no answer. no answer. no answer. im finally so angry i could scream, i turn off my phone, and go to bed.
this morning i woke up super early, picked up sarah, and went to shorewood to see courtney get baptized.
baptism. i LOVE baptism. i love baptism like some people love weddings. i love seeing them, being there, even hearing about them gets me all worked up. the whole idea of it is so exciting. everytime i see it i remember how i felt when i was baptized, and all those amazing memories come flooding back. i get chills every time i see people get baptized. most of the time, i cry. happy tears of course. because it just touches my heart. it is so exciting for me to see people want to give their lives completely to the Lord, and do it in such a public way. and especially when those people are people i love and care about. today i got to see Courtney [one of my camp girls] get baptized by Stephanie [her best friend and another camp girl], and emilee got baptized as well. it was super cool. and i had chills for like 30 minutes afterwards. i really felt God there and it was super powerful and i was so, so happy for my girls. its such a huge step and im so excited they wanted to take that step in their faith. so that was my awesome morning.
i then went back to my campus, talked to tim and shannon and sarah. still no call from mike. got to talk to a lot of people, see my friends, good, as always. left, went to lunch with sarah, caught up so more. still no call from mike.
after i dropped off sarah, i was riding along when my cell rang. i answered, not knowing the number. and, of course, its my ex boyfriend tim. crap. seriously, every time i think hes stopped wasting his time trying to win me over, he comes trotting back in. so im like great. awesome. life is good. i hate guys.
i get back home and still no call from mike. and now here i am, blogging. tim leisten [the ex] and i talked for about 10 minutes. and i was like uugh. please. stop. just stop. if u cant just be my friend just stop trying to be anything.
i just dont get... life. i mean wait. i do. thers just stuff that drives me nuts. like mike, for example.
as mitch and mitch only knows... iv been worried. freaking out, more of. because i know mike is going to leave again, eventually. its just... how things are, i guess. we didnt talk for 3 years. he came back. but i dont think it was really because he missed ME. he just needed someone LIKE me. hes always talking about how he has no one else to talk to and no one understands like i do and no one is there for him like i am... so am i being used? either way, we started talking non stop and i got attached again. i love mike. i did then and i do now. so of course iwas ecstatic when he came back. i didnt care why or for how long. i was just glad he did. we seperated, me going to camp and him on his cruise, and i missed him like crazy the whole time. but then... he got home. and it wasnt the kind of homecoming i wanted. it was the opposite. and everything suddenly hit me.
i was talking to mitch about this friday night, too. i really need to distance myself, so im not so attached. and i was like no way! i love talking to mike for hours and hours on end, every single day. but its so unhealthy. and after last night... i dont want to talk to him at all. im hurt. im offended im angry. i mean really, am i being used? am i just in his life cause he needs someone to pour all his junk on? am i not okay with that? i want to be there for him because i love him. but in the end, relationships cant be a 1 way street. whether they are friendships, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. it has to be a 2 way street. and i thought it was. he says he loves me. he says he cares and that he missed me. but... how do i know hes just trying to keep me around? i dont want to stick around. im not ok with getting emotionally involved in him only to have him feel all dandy and find a replacement and walk away from me. and after last night... i feel like maybe he even did that while we were apart. because if he needed me, he would have known to call by now. because at this point, he is so off my buddy list its not even funny [how i thought that in my mind reminded me of raad...hahahaha]
it was weird. last night, when it first happened, i felt disappointed. as the night stretched on it almost became numb to me. like it all clicked into place. he doesnt want ME. he wants SOMEBODY. somebody to be there for HIM. help HIM. listen to HIM. he doesnt care about me or love me. he cares about the person and loves the person who is always just an ear. he doesnt need ME, and i definitely dont need him. and so when he was so rude to me, it didnt even hurt. it did when it first happened, but after just a little while, it didnt. because i realized i didnt even care.
sad, how that all works out. someone who i thought was one of my best friends, suddenly totally taken off the charts.
its good to have real friends like megan and mitch and sarah and tim raad. people who show that they love ME and care about ME. people who go out of their way to be there for ME. people who i can be there for and love and care about and take care of, who would do the same when i need it. real friends who help me realize who the fake ones are, so i can get them out before it gets too painful...
i was so excited to have mike home. SO excited. i missed him so much, and i couldnt wait to talk to him. he calls, and right from the start, he was straight up RUDE to me. rude. and hes never rude. so that immediately set off the warning lights. and then he gots a call on the other line, and switches over, and i sit on hold for freaking 20 minutes before i was like screw this. i waited another 20 minutes or so and called him back, and he was all like "oh im so sorry, this friend called, and we hvnt talked in forever..." really? umm. well. i hadnt talked to him in over 12 days. so doesnt the fact that we were talking matter? apparently not. he hangs up saying hell call me right back, and calls me back after a few minutes, saying she had to go. i blew it off, forgot about it, and kept talking. he kept telling me stories about his cruise, and then 5 minutes after he told me something, he would admit he made it up. what? really? i didnt get why he felt like he had to keep lying about. i mean he told me the truth anyway, so what was the point in doing it in the first place? that irritated me, the fact that he kept lying. little unimportant lies, yeah, but if your willing to lie about that how do i know your not lying about big important stuff?
2 hours pass, and he gets a call on the other line. and, once again, i wait for a while, and he doesnt switch over. this time im angry. deep down offended and pissed off. i hang up, and wait 30 minutes, still without a call back. of course my mind is scrambling to come up with some excuse for my precious mike, so his oh so awesome image doesnt get wounded. im thinking, well, maybe there was an emergency. i wait a little longer, and then my mind has talked me into believing something bad has happened, and i get worried, and i call him back. no answer. no answer. no answer. im finally so angry i could scream, i turn off my phone, and go to bed.
this morning i woke up super early, picked up sarah, and went to shorewood to see courtney get baptized.
baptism. i LOVE baptism. i love baptism like some people love weddings. i love seeing them, being there, even hearing about them gets me all worked up. the whole idea of it is so exciting. everytime i see it i remember how i felt when i was baptized, and all those amazing memories come flooding back. i get chills every time i see people get baptized. most of the time, i cry. happy tears of course. because it just touches my heart. it is so exciting for me to see people want to give their lives completely to the Lord, and do it in such a public way. and especially when those people are people i love and care about. today i got to see Courtney [one of my camp girls] get baptized by Stephanie [her best friend and another camp girl], and emilee got baptized as well. it was super cool. and i had chills for like 30 minutes afterwards. i really felt God there and it was super powerful and i was so, so happy for my girls. its such a huge step and im so excited they wanted to take that step in their faith. so that was my awesome morning.
i then went back to my campus, talked to tim and shannon and sarah. still no call from mike. got to talk to a lot of people, see my friends, good, as always. left, went to lunch with sarah, caught up so more. still no call from mike.
after i dropped off sarah, i was riding along when my cell rang. i answered, not knowing the number. and, of course, its my ex boyfriend tim. crap. seriously, every time i think hes stopped wasting his time trying to win me over, he comes trotting back in. so im like great. awesome. life is good. i hate guys.
i get back home and still no call from mike. and now here i am, blogging. tim leisten [the ex] and i talked for about 10 minutes. and i was like uugh. please. stop. just stop. if u cant just be my friend just stop trying to be anything.
i just dont get... life. i mean wait. i do. thers just stuff that drives me nuts. like mike, for example.
as mitch and mitch only knows... iv been worried. freaking out, more of. because i know mike is going to leave again, eventually. its just... how things are, i guess. we didnt talk for 3 years. he came back. but i dont think it was really because he missed ME. he just needed someone LIKE me. hes always talking about how he has no one else to talk to and no one understands like i do and no one is there for him like i am... so am i being used? either way, we started talking non stop and i got attached again. i love mike. i did then and i do now. so of course iwas ecstatic when he came back. i didnt care why or for how long. i was just glad he did. we seperated, me going to camp and him on his cruise, and i missed him like crazy the whole time. but then... he got home. and it wasnt the kind of homecoming i wanted. it was the opposite. and everything suddenly hit me.
i was talking to mitch about this friday night, too. i really need to distance myself, so im not so attached. and i was like no way! i love talking to mike for hours and hours on end, every single day. but its so unhealthy. and after last night... i dont want to talk to him at all. im hurt. im offended im angry. i mean really, am i being used? am i just in his life cause he needs someone to pour all his junk on? am i not okay with that? i want to be there for him because i love him. but in the end, relationships cant be a 1 way street. whether they are friendships, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. it has to be a 2 way street. and i thought it was. he says he loves me. he says he cares and that he missed me. but... how do i know hes just trying to keep me around? i dont want to stick around. im not ok with getting emotionally involved in him only to have him feel all dandy and find a replacement and walk away from me. and after last night... i feel like maybe he even did that while we were apart. because if he needed me, he would have known to call by now. because at this point, he is so off my buddy list its not even funny [how i thought that in my mind reminded me of raad...hahahaha]
it was weird. last night, when it first happened, i felt disappointed. as the night stretched on it almost became numb to me. like it all clicked into place. he doesnt want ME. he wants SOMEBODY. somebody to be there for HIM. help HIM. listen to HIM. he doesnt care about me or love me. he cares about the person and loves the person who is always just an ear. he doesnt need ME, and i definitely dont need him. and so when he was so rude to me, it didnt even hurt. it did when it first happened, but after just a little while, it didnt. because i realized i didnt even care.
sad, how that all works out. someone who i thought was one of my best friends, suddenly totally taken off the charts.
its good to have real friends like megan and mitch and sarah and tim raad. people who show that they love ME and care about ME. people who go out of their way to be there for ME. people who i can be there for and love and care about and take care of, who would do the same when i need it. real friends who help me realize who the fake ones are, so i can get them out before it gets too painful...
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
my brain needs to spill some beans... so here it goes
i can not handle all of this right now. it took every ounce of my energy not to break down and cry my face off at celebration tonight. im hoping im just paranoid. maybe hes grown up... maybe he wont even mention me. maybe it really is about my brothers baptism. but maybe not. maybe he finally found a way to sneak around me and talk to the one person who means the most. the one person who pretty much has complete control over what i get to do in this church. the one person i look up to the most, who is my hero, my role model. the thought that my dad even has the CHANCE to ruin anything i have right now is horrifying. because frankly thats all he wants to do. im so tired of it. everytime i think hes finally backed off even a bit he storms in even harder. and does even more damage. every time. the fact that he wins, tho, is the part that tears me up the most. i mean why? why can someone moved by satan alone win so much? how is that right? arent we supposed to win? i mean i know that as Christ followers were going to go through a lot but... cant we win at least every once in a while? i cant deal with this. the pain. the betrayal, the backstabbing, the disloyalty. the fact that he doesnt like me. hes supposed to love me, and he cant even LIKE me. what have i ever done to earn that? what did i do? i act like i dont care. whatever, i dont like him either. but hes my FATHER. my FATHER! the only one ill ever really have. and he doesnt like me. he tries right and left to take things away from me that not only i want and love but that i NEED.
im hoping im wrong. im praying, im begging, im PLEADING to be wrong. i would LIKE to be wrong, just this once [just kidding, i know im wrong a lot]. but its not that i dont trust tim. i trust tim more than any other person on this entire planet. absolutely anyone. its not that im scared he will suddenly be like whatever erin pffft shes a fake. i know he knows thats not true. but its still so horrifying because of the fact that my dad ALWAYS. WINS. no matter how wise i think the person is, or how much i think that person loves me. my dad has the power and control to COMPLETELY screw up my life. he has turned my own FAMILY against me!! people i was raised with, my grandparents, my cousins. just by telling simple lies. lies that i couldnt defend because after what he did, i was cut off from communication. i wasnt even given a chance to tell them the truth!! iv lost life long friends, people iv known since i was born because of the lies he has and continues to tell. and im not with him, so how can i explain myself? how can i deny it if im never around when he tells them? i try to reach out and call or meet up with them or email and no one ever responds. its like after hes told them, they dont care if its a lie or a truth. like its easier just to believe what hes said.
and he makes me out to be such a horrible person. iv made mistakes. iv made huge mistakes. but those mistakes affected ME more than ANYONE. the stuff he makes up is just ridiculous and the thought of it is repulsive. i would never do that stuff. and the fact that my own aunt and uncle, my own cousins, my own SISTER, my old best friends, who KNEW me. who grew up with me, who know my heart. the fact that these people would believe the crap he is selling breaks. my. heart. it is absolutely the most painful thing i have ever gone through. to lose people over such stupid lies!!! its unfair, and i dont understand how he is rewarded as he completely screws up my life.
im rambling. actually i am beyond rambling right now. i dont know how many times i have repeated the same thing. but i am freaking out and i have no one to turn to. its probably stupid, it might even be pointless. maybe i really will get lucky and he wont even mention my name. but my gut is telling me otherwise. because here i am, living out Gods word, turning into this leader, someone who would die for Christ, for spreading the word of God. why would Satan be okay with that? why WOULDNT satan fight that?
it was funny. during our talk today Tim mentioned that Satan would attack my weakness, and my goal of staying out of serious relationships until after high school will be tempting to break. but in reality, Satan has already attacked my weakness. and it wasnt relationships, or boys, or any other kind of temptations. it was with my own father. THIS is my biggest weakness. if my father feels like doing what he always does, i could be screwed. i have been before. because of stupid lies. he could just pull the father card and say i need to fix things with him before going into an internship or being a leader to students. he did it before, and he won.
im praying that tim is wise enough to know that my dad is a liar. im praying that my dad wont even pull crap, tho i feel like that is a pointless prayer. im just... praying. hard.
oh, and turn of subject, while im rambling on i might as well throw this in. i need to get it off my chest.
north carolina.
im sitting here, and i keep seeing the pictures on my different cousins pages, and then my sisters. and it hurts. oh man, it hurts. im crying like a baby right now and its dumb but it HURTS. these people were my family. and i feel like iv lost them. it was bad enough, HARD enough when my sister left. and now my dear cousins think the same? it hurts. it hurts so much and i cant change iet bc no matter what i say they wont believe it they wont respond and they live in stinking virginia and in north carolina how am i supposed to go see them and tell them its not true? i cant. so here i am, stuck in the lies that my father has told. iv lost friends, iv lost grandparents, iv lost aunts and uncles and cousins and i lost my sister.
so whats next? my 2nd family?
seems like it, considering thats what my dad is going in for tomorrow.
i swear if i lose stuco... i dont know what im going to do...
i swear if i lose TIM... i dont know what im going to do...
i swear if my dad lies to one more person or ruins my life even a little bit more... im going to lose it
im hoping im wrong. im praying, im begging, im PLEADING to be wrong. i would LIKE to be wrong, just this once [just kidding, i know im wrong a lot]. but its not that i dont trust tim. i trust tim more than any other person on this entire planet. absolutely anyone. its not that im scared he will suddenly be like whatever erin pffft shes a fake. i know he knows thats not true. but its still so horrifying because of the fact that my dad ALWAYS. WINS. no matter how wise i think the person is, or how much i think that person loves me. my dad has the power and control to COMPLETELY screw up my life. he has turned my own FAMILY against me!! people i was raised with, my grandparents, my cousins. just by telling simple lies. lies that i couldnt defend because after what he did, i was cut off from communication. i wasnt even given a chance to tell them the truth!! iv lost life long friends, people iv known since i was born because of the lies he has and continues to tell. and im not with him, so how can i explain myself? how can i deny it if im never around when he tells them? i try to reach out and call or meet up with them or email and no one ever responds. its like after hes told them, they dont care if its a lie or a truth. like its easier just to believe what hes said.
and he makes me out to be such a horrible person. iv made mistakes. iv made huge mistakes. but those mistakes affected ME more than ANYONE. the stuff he makes up is just ridiculous and the thought of it is repulsive. i would never do that stuff. and the fact that my own aunt and uncle, my own cousins, my own SISTER, my old best friends, who KNEW me. who grew up with me, who know my heart. the fact that these people would believe the crap he is selling breaks. my. heart. it is absolutely the most painful thing i have ever gone through. to lose people over such stupid lies!!! its unfair, and i dont understand how he is rewarded as he completely screws up my life.
im rambling. actually i am beyond rambling right now. i dont know how many times i have repeated the same thing. but i am freaking out and i have no one to turn to. its probably stupid, it might even be pointless. maybe i really will get lucky and he wont even mention my name. but my gut is telling me otherwise. because here i am, living out Gods word, turning into this leader, someone who would die for Christ, for spreading the word of God. why would Satan be okay with that? why WOULDNT satan fight that?
it was funny. during our talk today Tim mentioned that Satan would attack my weakness, and my goal of staying out of serious relationships until after high school will be tempting to break. but in reality, Satan has already attacked my weakness. and it wasnt relationships, or boys, or any other kind of temptations. it was with my own father. THIS is my biggest weakness. if my father feels like doing what he always does, i could be screwed. i have been before. because of stupid lies. he could just pull the father card and say i need to fix things with him before going into an internship or being a leader to students. he did it before, and he won.
im praying that tim is wise enough to know that my dad is a liar. im praying that my dad wont even pull crap, tho i feel like that is a pointless prayer. im just... praying. hard.
oh, and turn of subject, while im rambling on i might as well throw this in. i need to get it off my chest.
north carolina.
im sitting here, and i keep seeing the pictures on my different cousins pages, and then my sisters. and it hurts. oh man, it hurts. im crying like a baby right now and its dumb but it HURTS. these people were my family. and i feel like iv lost them. it was bad enough, HARD enough when my sister left. and now my dear cousins think the same? it hurts. it hurts so much and i cant change iet bc no matter what i say they wont believe it they wont respond and they live in stinking virginia and in north carolina how am i supposed to go see them and tell them its not true? i cant. so here i am, stuck in the lies that my father has told. iv lost friends, iv lost grandparents, iv lost aunts and uncles and cousins and i lost my sister.
so whats next? my 2nd family?
seems like it, considering thats what my dad is going in for tomorrow.
i swear if i lose stuco... i dont know what im going to do...
i swear if i lose TIM... i dont know what im going to do...
i swear if my dad lies to one more person or ruins my life even a little bit more... im going to lose it
Monday, August 11, 2008
JHC 2008
camp was GREAT. I loved it! it was exhausting in every possible way, but it was worth every second. Here's the story, for all of you who have been asking 
So Tuesday morning I arrived at church around 11 and started helping at one of the registration tables. The funniest part of registration was probably right after Trevor bought me an energy drink, and Mitch came up thinking he would be funny and shake it all up, and it exploded every where, even with the cap on. Absolutely hysterical. We loaded up, and I was on one of the coach buses, and we headed out for our 8 hour bus ride to Lake City, Michigan. While on the bus, I met all of my students.
Becca, Bethany, Stephanie, Courtney, Megan, Lauren, Tyiesha, Ceri, Emilee, Andrea, and Jaid. Most of them were going into 8th grade, but we had 2 girls going into 6th, one into 7th, and one into 9th. All the girls, our other small group leader Shkendie and I all stayed in one big cabin with 7 different bunk beds. It was huge! The room was shaped like an L, with a bathroom hooked on. 2 toilets, 3 showers, 3 sinks. You would think that would be enough, right? Not. Shkendie and I got up 2 hours before breakfast in the morning just so we could take a 15-20 minute shower. And as soon as the girls were up, our bathroom time was over. Besides the fact it got so humid in the bathroom that as soon as you did your hair, it would curl or frizz all over again. Irritating, so I barely did my hair all week.
When we got there, all 150 odd students got split into 4 teams. Blue, green, yellow, and red. My team was yellow. We had junior high camp olympics, and of course my team, Black Plague Yellow Fever, won. The name was impossible to decide on, so we ended up combining our 2 different ideas. Our motto? If the 1st dont kill you the 2nd one will. Nice, i know.
We would get up, go to breakfast at 9, then a morning session around 10, the students would have quiet times as the leaders met to plan our D-groups [discussion groups] which we would have from 11-12, and then lunch, then free time until 6. Dinner at 6, session at 7, small group until about 9:30, then a late night activity.
Our free time consisted of either The Blob, high ropes course, tubing, a zip line, mountain biking, rock climbing, free swim, volleyball, frisbee golf, ping pong, pool, shuffle board, and the rope swing. We were definitely kept extremely busy.
The first day Emilee, Lauren, and Andrea talked me into going mountain biking with them, which was crazy in itself. i love biking, so i thought it would be easy, fun. ya right. im scared of heigts, and the hills you had to fly up and down were not fun for me. Besides the fact that kids were wiping out in front of you right and left, so it wasnt like an easy glide up and down the hall. you were constantly stopping, so by the time you got to the hill you didnt have enough momentum to get yourself up. we most of us were walking up these ridiculously high hills. our message that day was all about moving to Jesus. Tim gave the message and did an excellent job. One of his main points was about how everyone knows about how Christ died on the cross for us, and we all still talk about it like it's nothing. And it's very true, even I do it, though I don't mean to. So I'm working on that.
the 2nd day I was talked into tubing, which was fun. I went with Becca, and we were flying around those things like crazy. at one point my tube flew up and landed half on hers. good thing we were wearing helmets! Tim also gave the message that night, and he talked about moving to Jesus in community.
the 3rd day I was talked into rock climbing. more like forced to rock climb, or i would be badgered into doing the zipline, which was pretty much my biggest fear. I hardly even got half up the wall before i realized how high up i was and freaked. and, of course, Tim was manning the wall, and wouldnt let me down right away. nice guy, right? gotta love him... that day I also watched all but 3 of my girls and Shkendie do the ropes course. It was the closest thing I have ever had to a heart attack. After just 3 days I had really grown to care about my girls and watching them all dozens of feet about the ground climbing around on skinny wires and having to jump from a post up high definitely got my heart racing. The funniest part of that was when tyiesha jumped and i freaked and pretty much stepped forward to "catch her" [right like i could do that anyway] and didnt see the log bench right in front of my shin until i slammed into it. yep, pretty painful. Brad spoke that night, all about moving to Jesus in community through the holy spirit. It was a really good message about students needing to accept God's gift and how the Holy Spirit will enter us when we do. A lot of kids did exactly that that night. It was very cool.
the 4th day was definitely the most.. challenging. By then all of my girls had been trying to talk me into going on the zip line, but one girl the most in particular, and that was Becca. in case you dont know, a zip line is when you climb up this tall post-like building, and at the top you strap into a harness and hook onto this cable, and go flying down it over water to the beach some odd feet below. I'm horrified of heights, so of course I had no plan at all to do the zip line in the first place. Becca had talked Tim into it, but as soon as he backed out she turned on me. And me, being a good small group leader, agreed to the fate of my death. I was absolutely horrified. Once I was at the top strapped on it took about 15 minutes to talk me into finally stepping off the platform. I havent been that scared because of heights in my entire life. I screamed the whole way down. But hey, I did it. And in the end I was still proud of myself, but still completely scared out of my mind. that night Brad talked about moving to jesus in community through the Holy Spirit with boldness. It was all about standing up for your faith and witnessing to unbelievers, and situations like that.
The last night was definitely a message to me. Although CIY earlier this summer had the same theme, it's always good to hear God saying to get up and MOVE. And I have been, but I could definitely use even more boldness. I'm really excited for this school year to start so everyone can get to me for the 100% real Erin. I've never been fake, but I didn't come out and really show who I am and exactly what I'm living for. And that's for the Lord and the Lord only. I can see the huge change in myself, and hopefully other people will too. I'm ready to lose friends because of it, it wouldn't surprise me. But it will be worth it in the end if I am able to save even one person, because that one person will help me and every other Christ follower change the world. And oh man does this world need changing.
So Tuesday morning I arrived at church around 11 and started helping at one of the registration tables. The funniest part of registration was probably right after Trevor bought me an energy drink, and Mitch came up thinking he would be funny and shake it all up, and it exploded every where, even with the cap on. Absolutely hysterical. We loaded up, and I was on one of the coach buses, and we headed out for our 8 hour bus ride to Lake City, Michigan. While on the bus, I met all of my students.
Becca, Bethany, Stephanie, Courtney, Megan, Lauren, Tyiesha, Ceri, Emilee, Andrea, and Jaid. Most of them were going into 8th grade, but we had 2 girls going into 6th, one into 7th, and one into 9th. All the girls, our other small group leader Shkendie and I all stayed in one big cabin with 7 different bunk beds. It was huge! The room was shaped like an L, with a bathroom hooked on. 2 toilets, 3 showers, 3 sinks. You would think that would be enough, right? Not. Shkendie and I got up 2 hours before breakfast in the morning just so we could take a 15-20 minute shower. And as soon as the girls were up, our bathroom time was over. Besides the fact it got so humid in the bathroom that as soon as you did your hair, it would curl or frizz all over again. Irritating, so I barely did my hair all week.
When we got there, all 150 odd students got split into 4 teams. Blue, green, yellow, and red. My team was yellow. We had junior high camp olympics, and of course my team, Black Plague Yellow Fever, won. The name was impossible to decide on, so we ended up combining our 2 different ideas. Our motto? If the 1st dont kill you the 2nd one will. Nice, i know.
We would get up, go to breakfast at 9, then a morning session around 10, the students would have quiet times as the leaders met to plan our D-groups [discussion groups] which we would have from 11-12, and then lunch, then free time until 6. Dinner at 6, session at 7, small group until about 9:30, then a late night activity.
Our free time consisted of either The Blob, high ropes course, tubing, a zip line, mountain biking, rock climbing, free swim, volleyball, frisbee golf, ping pong, pool, shuffle board, and the rope swing. We were definitely kept extremely busy.
The first day Emilee, Lauren, and Andrea talked me into going mountain biking with them, which was crazy in itself. i love biking, so i thought it would be easy, fun. ya right. im scared of heigts, and the hills you had to fly up and down were not fun for me. Besides the fact that kids were wiping out in front of you right and left, so it wasnt like an easy glide up and down the hall. you were constantly stopping, so by the time you got to the hill you didnt have enough momentum to get yourself up. we most of us were walking up these ridiculously high hills. our message that day was all about moving to Jesus. Tim gave the message and did an excellent job. One of his main points was about how everyone knows about how Christ died on the cross for us, and we all still talk about it like it's nothing. And it's very true, even I do it, though I don't mean to. So I'm working on that.
the 2nd day I was talked into tubing, which was fun. I went with Becca, and we were flying around those things like crazy. at one point my tube flew up and landed half on hers. good thing we were wearing helmets! Tim also gave the message that night, and he talked about moving to Jesus in community.
the 3rd day I was talked into rock climbing. more like forced to rock climb, or i would be badgered into doing the zipline, which was pretty much my biggest fear. I hardly even got half up the wall before i realized how high up i was and freaked. and, of course, Tim was manning the wall, and wouldnt let me down right away. nice guy, right? gotta love him... that day I also watched all but 3 of my girls and Shkendie do the ropes course. It was the closest thing I have ever had to a heart attack. After just 3 days I had really grown to care about my girls and watching them all dozens of feet about the ground climbing around on skinny wires and having to jump from a post up high definitely got my heart racing. The funniest part of that was when tyiesha jumped and i freaked and pretty much stepped forward to "catch her" [right like i could do that anyway] and didnt see the log bench right in front of my shin until i slammed into it. yep, pretty painful. Brad spoke that night, all about moving to Jesus in community through the holy spirit. It was a really good message about students needing to accept God's gift and how the Holy Spirit will enter us when we do. A lot of kids did exactly that that night. It was very cool.
the 4th day was definitely the most.. challenging. By then all of my girls had been trying to talk me into going on the zip line, but one girl the most in particular, and that was Becca. in case you dont know, a zip line is when you climb up this tall post-like building, and at the top you strap into a harness and hook onto this cable, and go flying down it over water to the beach some odd feet below. I'm horrified of heights, so of course I had no plan at all to do the zip line in the first place. Becca had talked Tim into it, but as soon as he backed out she turned on me. And me, being a good small group leader, agreed to the fate of my death. I was absolutely horrified. Once I was at the top strapped on it took about 15 minutes to talk me into finally stepping off the platform. I havent been that scared because of heights in my entire life. I screamed the whole way down. But hey, I did it. And in the end I was still proud of myself, but still completely scared out of my mind. that night Brad talked about moving to jesus in community through the Holy Spirit with boldness. It was all about standing up for your faith and witnessing to unbelievers, and situations like that.
The last night was definitely a message to me. Although CIY earlier this summer had the same theme, it's always good to hear God saying to get up and MOVE. And I have been, but I could definitely use even more boldness. I'm really excited for this school year to start so everyone can get to me for the 100% real Erin. I've never been fake, but I didn't come out and really show who I am and exactly what I'm living for. And that's for the Lord and the Lord only. I can see the huge change in myself, and hopefully other people will too. I'm ready to lose friends because of it, it wouldn't surprise me. But it will be worth it in the end if I am able to save even one person, because that one person will help me and every other Christ follower change the world. And oh man does this world need changing.
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