Judas

The only one who took you in
The only one who held your hand
Defended you against the others
Had your back on everything
Never let you down
You turned around betrayed your only brother

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?

I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget meCouldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me

I will never be like you
I'll never do the things you do
Selfish and lonely, what's your problem
Letting go of you and this
Is harder than I thought but I will not be poisoned by your actions

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?

I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget me
Couldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
Down, you let me down




Its kind of funny. almost like im going through the stages of grief. denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance. its ridiculous. i thought you only went through the stages when it was something really huge, like death. i guess it just depends on whats huge to YOU.

at first i made excuses for him. not only to my mom, or my other friends. but to myself. i didnt want to destroy his oh so perfect image. its exactly what i did with jared. for years. i think thats the only reason i caught myself; i related him to jared. and as soon as that happened, the alarms went crazy. if my mind related him to jared... i needed to get out and STAY out. then i got angry. how could he hurt me? how could he leave when i gave EVERYTHING for him? i was there for him 24/7, i was the most loyal friend he had EVER had. i took way too much crap. gave up way too much. and then i bargained it. well, maybe if i just get over it and not say anything, we can still be friends. ill just pretend he did nothing so i can still have him in my life. then depression. iv been crying myself to sleep for the past few nights because of him. it just hurt. deep down. so now do i get to accept it and move on? i feel like im still in the depression stage. is that usually the longest? i remember with jared, even after the depression, i kept going backwards. instead of accepting it, i would get angry again. i would even revert back to denial. i was all over the place. only recently did i really accept that. so is that how its gonna be now? i mean this is a total different situation. for one im not in love with him. and technicalyl we werent friends for as long as jared and i were. our relationship was totally different. but he was one of my closest friends, so i guess that stands for something.

i feel so stupid even talking about it. i feel like i should just wipe my shoulders off and keep on truckin it. its dumb that im letting it get to me so much. im trying not to. but its not really something i can help. i think after last night ill be fine. i cried pretty hard, but i prayed even harder. i know God let this happen for a reason. He wouldnt let some jerk walk in my life and then back out for nothing. i know theres a reason. i just wish i could FIND it.



stupid blog. all i do is ramble.
i guess im glad nobody reads it. i would probably lose all my friends.


:]