the last 24 hours have been... a lot. great... yet horrible... i didnt know a few hours could hold that many ups and downs. i went through like a months worth of emotions in one night and morning. crazy.
i was so excited to have mike home. SO excited. i missed him so much, and i couldnt wait to talk to him. he calls, and right from the start, he was straight up RUDE to me. rude. and hes never rude. so that immediately set off the warning lights. and then he gots a call on the other line, and switches over, and i sit on hold for freaking 20 minutes before i was like screw this. i waited another 20 minutes or so and called him back, and he was all like "oh im so sorry, this friend called, and we hvnt talked in forever..." really? umm. well. i hadnt talked to him in over 12 days. so doesnt the fact that we were talking matter? apparently not. he hangs up saying hell call me right back, and calls me back after a few minutes, saying she had to go. i blew it off, forgot about it, and kept talking. he kept telling me stories about his cruise, and then 5 minutes after he told me something, he would admit he made it up. what? really? i didnt get why he felt like he had to keep lying about. i mean he told me the truth anyway, so what was the point in doing it in the first place? that irritated me, the fact that he kept lying. little unimportant lies, yeah, but if your willing to lie about that how do i know your not lying about big important stuff?
2 hours pass, and he gets a call on the other line. and, once again, i wait for a while, and he doesnt switch over. this time im angry. deep down offended and pissed off. i hang up, and wait 30 minutes, still without a call back. of course my mind is scrambling to come up with some excuse for my precious mike, so his oh so awesome image doesnt get wounded. im thinking, well, maybe there was an emergency. i wait a little longer, and then my mind has talked me into believing something bad has happened, and i get worried, and i call him back. no answer. no answer. no answer. im finally so angry i could scream, i turn off my phone, and go to bed.
this morning i woke up super early, picked up sarah, and went to shorewood to see courtney get baptized.
baptism. i LOVE baptism. i love baptism like some people love weddings. i love seeing them, being there, even hearing about them gets me all worked up. the whole idea of it is so exciting. everytime i see it i remember how i felt when i was baptized, and all those amazing memories come flooding back. i get chills every time i see people get baptized. most of the time, i cry. happy tears of course. because it just touches my heart. it is so exciting for me to see people want to give their lives completely to the Lord, and do it in such a public way. and especially when those people are people i love and care about. today i got to see Courtney [one of my camp girls] get baptized by Stephanie [her best friend and another camp girl], and emilee got baptized as well. it was super cool. and i had chills for like 30 minutes afterwards. i really felt God there and it was super powerful and i was so, so happy for my girls. its such a huge step and im so excited they wanted to take that step in their faith. so that was my awesome morning.
i then went back to my campus, talked to tim and shannon and sarah. still no call from mike. got to talk to a lot of people, see my friends, good, as always. left, went to lunch with sarah, caught up so more. still no call from mike.
after i dropped off sarah, i was riding along when my cell rang. i answered, not knowing the number. and, of course, its my ex boyfriend tim. crap. seriously, every time i think hes stopped wasting his time trying to win me over, he comes trotting back in. so im like great. awesome. life is good. i hate guys.
i get back home and still no call from mike. and now here i am, blogging. tim leisten [the ex] and i talked for about 10 minutes. and i was like uugh. please. stop. just stop. if u cant just be my friend just stop trying to be anything.
i just dont get... life. i mean wait. i do. thers just stuff that drives me nuts. like mike, for example.
as mitch and mitch only knows... iv been worried. freaking out, more of. because i know mike is going to leave again, eventually. its just... how things are, i guess. we didnt talk for 3 years. he came back. but i dont think it was really because he missed ME. he just needed someone LIKE me. hes always talking about how he has no one else to talk to and no one understands like i do and no one is there for him like i am... so am i being used? either way, we started talking non stop and i got attached again. i love mike. i did then and i do now. so of course iwas ecstatic when he came back. i didnt care why or for how long. i was just glad he did. we seperated, me going to camp and him on his cruise, and i missed him like crazy the whole time. but then... he got home. and it wasnt the kind of homecoming i wanted. it was the opposite. and everything suddenly hit me.
i was talking to mitch about this friday night, too. i really need to distance myself, so im not so attached. and i was like no way! i love talking to mike for hours and hours on end, every single day. but its so unhealthy. and after last night... i dont want to talk to him at all. im hurt. im offended im angry. i mean really, am i being used? am i just in his life cause he needs someone to pour all his junk on? am i not okay with that? i want to be there for him because i love him. but in the end, relationships cant be a 1 way street. whether they are friendships, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. it has to be a 2 way street. and i thought it was. he says he loves me. he says he cares and that he missed me. but... how do i know hes just trying to keep me around? i dont want to stick around. im not ok with getting emotionally involved in him only to have him feel all dandy and find a replacement and walk away from me. and after last night... i feel like maybe he even did that while we were apart. because if he needed me, he would have known to call by now. because at this point, he is so off my buddy list its not even funny [how i thought that in my mind reminded me of raad...hahahaha]
it was weird. last night, when it first happened, i felt disappointed. as the night stretched on it almost became numb to me. like it all clicked into place. he doesnt want ME. he wants SOMEBODY. somebody to be there for HIM. help HIM. listen to HIM. he doesnt care about me or love me. he cares about the person and loves the person who is always just an ear. he doesnt need ME, and i definitely dont need him. and so when he was so rude to me, it didnt even hurt. it did when it first happened, but after just a little while, it didnt. because i realized i didnt even care.
sad, how that all works out. someone who i thought was one of my best friends, suddenly totally taken off the charts.
its good to have real friends like megan and mitch and sarah and tim raad. people who show that they love ME and care about ME. people who go out of their way to be there for ME. people who i can be there for and love and care about and take care of, who would do the same when i need it. real friends who help me realize who the fake ones are, so i can get them out before it gets too painful...
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