i can not handle all of this right now. it took every ounce of my energy not to break down and cry my face off at celebration tonight. im hoping im just paranoid. maybe hes grown up... maybe he wont even mention me. maybe it really is about my brothers baptism. but maybe not. maybe he finally found a way to sneak around me and talk to the one person who means the most. the one person who pretty much has complete control over what i get to do in this church. the one person i look up to the most, who is my hero, my role model. the thought that my dad even has the CHANCE to ruin anything i have right now is horrifying. because frankly thats all he wants to do. im so tired of it. everytime i think hes finally backed off even a bit he storms in even harder. and does even more damage. every time. the fact that he wins, tho, is the part that tears me up the most. i mean why? why can someone moved by satan alone win so much? how is that right? arent we supposed to win? i mean i know that as Christ followers were going to go through a lot but... cant we win at least every once in a while? i cant deal with this. the pain. the betrayal, the backstabbing, the disloyalty. the fact that he doesnt like me. hes supposed to love me, and he cant even LIKE me. what have i ever done to earn that? what did i do? i act like i dont care. whatever, i dont like him either. but hes my FATHER. my FATHER! the only one ill ever really have. and he doesnt like me. he tries right and left to take things away from me that not only i want and love but that i NEED.
im hoping im wrong. im praying, im begging, im PLEADING to be wrong. i would LIKE to be wrong, just this once [just kidding, i know im wrong a lot]. but its not that i dont trust tim. i trust tim more than any other person on this entire planet. absolutely anyone. its not that im scared he will suddenly be like whatever erin pffft shes a fake. i know he knows thats not true. but its still so horrifying because of the fact that my dad ALWAYS. WINS. no matter how wise i think the person is, or how much i think that person loves me. my dad has the power and control to COMPLETELY screw up my life. he has turned my own FAMILY against me!! people i was raised with, my grandparents, my cousins. just by telling simple lies. lies that i couldnt defend because after what he did, i was cut off from communication. i wasnt even given a chance to tell them the truth!! iv lost life long friends, people iv known since i was born because of the lies he has and continues to tell. and im not with him, so how can i explain myself? how can i deny it if im never around when he tells them? i try to reach out and call or meet up with them or email and no one ever responds. its like after hes told them, they dont care if its a lie or a truth. like its easier just to believe what hes said.
and he makes me out to be such a horrible person. iv made mistakes. iv made huge mistakes. but those mistakes affected ME more than ANYONE. the stuff he makes up is just ridiculous and the thought of it is repulsive. i would never do that stuff. and the fact that my own aunt and uncle, my own cousins, my own SISTER, my old best friends, who KNEW me. who grew up with me, who know my heart. the fact that these people would believe the crap he is selling breaks. my. heart. it is absolutely the most painful thing i have ever gone through. to lose people over such stupid lies!!! its unfair, and i dont understand how he is rewarded as he completely screws up my life.
im rambling. actually i am beyond rambling right now. i dont know how many times i have repeated the same thing. but i am freaking out and i have no one to turn to. its probably stupid, it might even be pointless. maybe i really will get lucky and he wont even mention my name. but my gut is telling me otherwise. because here i am, living out Gods word, turning into this leader, someone who would die for Christ, for spreading the word of God. why would Satan be okay with that? why WOULDNT satan fight that?
it was funny. during our talk today Tim mentioned that Satan would attack my weakness, and my goal of staying out of serious relationships until after high school will be tempting to break. but in reality, Satan has already attacked my weakness. and it wasnt relationships, or boys, or any other kind of temptations. it was with my own father. THIS is my biggest weakness. if my father feels like doing what he always does, i could be screwed. i have been before. because of stupid lies. he could just pull the father card and say i need to fix things with him before going into an internship or being a leader to students. he did it before, and he won.
im praying that tim is wise enough to know that my dad is a liar. im praying that my dad wont even pull crap, tho i feel like that is a pointless prayer. im just... praying. hard.
oh, and turn of subject, while im rambling on i might as well throw this in. i need to get it off my chest.
north carolina.
im sitting here, and i keep seeing the pictures on my different cousins pages, and then my sisters. and it hurts. oh man, it hurts. im crying like a baby right now and its dumb but it HURTS. these people were my family. and i feel like iv lost them. it was bad enough, HARD enough when my sister left. and now my dear cousins think the same? it hurts. it hurts so much and i cant change iet bc no matter what i say they wont believe it they wont respond and they live in stinking virginia and in north carolina how am i supposed to go see them and tell them its not true? i cant. so here i am, stuck in the lies that my father has told. iv lost friends, iv lost grandparents, iv lost aunts and uncles and cousins and i lost my sister.
so whats next? my 2nd family?
seems like it, considering thats what my dad is going in for tomorrow.
i swear if i lose stuco... i dont know what im going to do...
i swear if i lose TIM... i dont know what im going to do...
i swear if my dad lies to one more person or ruins my life even a little bit more... im going to lose it
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