I was talking to Tim and he said something that really stuck about the whole J and L situation.
"If you are getting close enough that it would bother her, then it's too close."
AAAH, SO TRUE!!! what a perfect way to put it. if i am letting him past my boundaries to a point where it would make his current best friend worried, i have gone way too far. so thats my goal. to keep him at arms length [but in the emotional sense].
funny. because as much as it seems like i think about him a lot, he is rarely on my mind. when i think about certain things that he is linked to, yes he pops in. but in general, i barely ever do. which is awesome.
his ex sits next to me in lunch. today she brought him up with something we both noticed [he puts ice in his milk] and i could tell she was still super bitter. i was able to be like oh ya that and not a negative emotion past through me. tho one of our friends freaked and tried to change the subject, i was like what, wahts wrong? i was informed later it was bc of the other ex's reaction, and they wer worried i was just hiding it well.
dude, i didnt evn hav to put effort into not feeling pain. it didnt touch me. bc i dont care. i dont want him. i dont want 2 b with him. i dont want OR need him in my life.
how amazing is that? there was a point where i never thought i would be able to say that. man have i grown up, haha.
i must say im proud of myself. i was so careful with boundaries that even as i feel that i am losing mitchel bc of his mother, im not going through excruciating pain like always. oh tim would be proud :]
also when tim pointed out the whole intense thing, especially recently, i took some huge steps back and was like WHOA. everyone FREEZE. everyone is now held back a lot farther than they were. why let them stay where they are just to potentially get too close and hurt myself or make some stupid mistake? and i feel really good about it. its like an orbit kind of thing, with all different rings. [it was, but im changing it.]
the middle [first] ring is my best friend megan friel. lisa weber will always be one of my best friends, too, so shes on there. the next ring are my biggest role models and leaders and people i look up to; tim, rissa, and shawn hunt. floss isnt far behind, wev had some good conversations, even with him only being here a few months.
the next ring are the other people i talk to and hang out with a lot. matt, mitch, rachael harv, sarah swed, kaitlyn, kylee
the NEXT ring are people i LIKE to hang out and talk to, but arent as good friends with. ethan, billy, puchi, mac, leann, jenna, gaby, garret, alex, katlynn, nerinin, nicky, etc. [none of these are in any specific order]
i feel the ring idea is a bad idea. i mean, in general, its a good idea. BUT. why let certain people be more important than others? no, thats not how i want to phrase it. i guess im saying that i shouldnt let other people get too close, even if their the top ring.
no thats not right either.
whatever, ill sleep on it, phrase it right.
everyone should be in one safe bubble. at a safe distance, but not so far i cant reach them.
thats kind of what i mean. i just want to be careful. and now that my eyes have been opened it feels really EASY to be careful. because i know whats the WISE thing to do [ya stuco! i learn stuff! lol]
i love growing up dude. i cant wait to be out of high school and be done completely being a dumb teenager so i can REALLY grow up :]
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