the only one who took you in
the only who held your hand, defended you against the others...
so, last night. i havent really let myself think about it, so i guess now is my chance to think it all through. i just went back and read through our whole online conversation. though it was nothing compared to the conversation we had after that on the phone.
i dont get it. i dont get why some of this stuff happens.
part of me is shrinking back from replaying it all. i love my life. and iv done a great job avoiding or getting rid of all negative parts of it. or fixing it really fast, so its only like a slight burn when the pain hits. and i kind of did that with mike, but it wasnt as easy.
when everything happened with jared, i was in the most excruciating pain i had ever been in. and it lasted for months. i honestly thought i would never feel pain as deep and scarring as that ever again.
i was such an idiot.
it was proven last night that that statement is very untrue. oh, ill feel it again. and ill feel it a lot. and it will get worse, considering the situations.
last night i got a hot flash of what i went through with jared. the pain absolutely felt like it was eating me from the inside out. the second book in the twilight series, New Moon, has a huge section where it is kind of expressing Bella's grief in whatever ways it could. It talked a lot about how Bella would wrap her arms around herself, almost as if she was holding herself together so she wouldnt fall apart. I always felt that it was an over dramatization, but then it happened to me. i found myself curled up in a ball, crying hot tears and choking out sobs, praying that my heart would in some way, some day, heal. that happened mostly after jared and i completely stopped talking. i felt so alone, so betrayed, so ridiculously empty. i cried myself to sleep every night for MONTHS. thankfully God stepped in and helped my heal and move on, and here I am a year later, easily able to talk about it, without a speck of pain touching me.
but then mike.
part of me thinks maybe i shouldnt have let him back in, and this could have been avoided. but i know everything happens for a reason, so i just need to wait it out. but so far i havent seen the reason. actually. it just dawned on me.
during the 3 years that mike and i stopped talking, between 8th grade and now, i felt like i had screwed up. i took 100% blame for him leaving, and i missed him like crazy. i was okay, and it wasnt like i was dying without him. but it pained me to see him super close to other people. when he came back, i was so, so excited. like omg, mike missed me, and he loves me, and he cares, and he came back. i devoted the last 2 months to being there for him absolutely every second he needed me. i lost so much sleep, and then started taking his troubles on me. when we got in that fight last night, i saw a side of mike i had never seen before. his REAL side. and it made me realize that I hadnt been the one who screwed up. i was the best friend i could be, loyal to the end, would have given up everything in a split second. he was the one making the mistakes.
as much as it hurts to say this, mike was using me. it wasnt me he needed or loved. i mean ya, i was a great friend, but thats all he wanted. it didnt matter that it was ME being the great friend. he just needed someone to be a great friend. even last night. we got in that huge, screaming fight. we said awful things back and forth for an hour online, and then an hour on the phone [which i shouldnt have answered], he started trying to ask my advice.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! He sat there, knowing he was totally breaking my heart. he KNEW it. we were on the phone, and its not like he couldnt hear me crying or my voice shaking. it was obvious. he had wounded me so deeply, bc i had believed he was one of my best friends. towards the end of the conversation, it suddenly switched. nothing he was saying made any sense as to why him and i werent talking. i was like mike, i dont get it. i dont understand. what does that have to do with you leaving? and he would be like well... what would you do with this? and that? this person is hurting me... im so lost, maybe ill quit this, maybe ill leave that... i was absolutely shocked. i was pretty much consumed by hysterical laughter at that point, and he obviously thought i was going crazy. but by the time i was able to speak i was screaming at him, hard core. how could he DARE to sit here and use me for advice while i cried because of the pain he was causing me.
his excuse? "you always said you would be there for me, no matter what. after i left in 8th grade i came back and you were there for me, so why not now?"
that time it took a lot longer to control my laughing spasms. i mean honestly? wow. you use me. i point it out. you make me cry. you know it. and your STILL gonna use me??
i pretty much laid down the law right then. no more, i was done. i wasnt going to let him back in for the 3rd time only to let him leave with another chunk of my heart. he got pissed, embarrassed, offended... frankly i dont care how he felt. i kept laughing at him to the point where he got frustrated, said some more hateful things, and we said goodbye.
just like those many months with jared, i went to sleep last night trying to hold myself together. definitely the hardest iv cried in quite a while.
i totally got side tracked. my epiphany. so i just realized why this happened.
when he left, i was hurt, and i missed him [when he left the first time]
and now, i dont have to be upset anymore.
i wont feel guitly, gosh, i wont even MISS him.
and you know why?
because i know who he really is now. i always thought i knew, but i was always wrong. now i know, and i dont have to hurt over it anymore.
so in a small way, that pain was Gods blessing so i wouldnt have to feel that pain for the rest of my life.
i always knew there was a point to my blogging. yes i ramble. and talk to myself like a complete idiot. and replay the stories and memories from in my head so i can read them over and try to better understand. but because of my blogging, i just realized why this all happened. which is just one more way to help me get over it faster.
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