Have you ever felt like you are fighting for a life that you don't have? Fighting to be the exact person you want to be, have all the qualities you want to have... I feel like I am fighting this fight on a daily basis.
Shauna Nieguist has a chapter called "Shalom" in her book Cold Tangerines, and it says what I am thinking extremely well, so I'm just going to write that.
"There is a way of living, a way of harmonizing and hitting a balance point, a converging of a thousand balance points and voices, layering together, twisting together, and there are moments when it all clicks into place just for a split second - God and marriage and forgiveness and something deep inside that feels like peace - and that's the place I'm trying to get to."
Equilibrium. I would love for my life to feel like it has some sort of equilibrium. Frantic roller coaster is not really my thing when it comes to relational problems. I don't like having them. I don't like feeling that I have let someone down, or that I have wronged someone or hurt their feelings. In the same sense, I don't like BEING wronged, or hurt, or let down.
There has to be some sort of balance between being walked on and walking on others. There has to be a balance between fixing things and letting it go on terrible for as long as you please. There has to be a balance.
When do you say no? When do you say enough is enough? When do you say things can't be fixed? When do you let conflict reside? When do you say enough damage has been done? When do you just walk away?
When do you have to decide that uprooting a major part of your life is what NEEDS to happen, and in the long run will be better? Do we HAVE to make those sacrifices? Do we HAVE to make those changes? What's okay to stay the same and what has to change? Where is the line? Where is the balance?
Why are we asked to be the bigger person, and take the higher road? Sometimes I really just don't want to. Sometimes I want to say how hurt I am, how mad I am, how betrayed and targeted I feel. Is THAT ever okay, instead of just taking it?
Where is the line?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Peace
The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace (Psalm 29:11)
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 24:14)
Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace (Psalm 37:37)
I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints - but let them not return to folly (Psalm 85:8)
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble (Psalm 119:165)
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal (Isaiah 26:3-4)
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10)
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you (Isaiah 55:12)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27)
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33)
For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33)
Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you (2 Thessalonians 3:16)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7)
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it (Psalm 24:14)
Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace (Psalm 37:37)
I will listen to what God the Lord will say; He promises peace to His people, His saints - but let them not return to folly (Psalm 85:8)
Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble (Psalm 119:165)
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal (Isaiah 26:3-4)
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you (Isaiah 54:10)
You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you (Isaiah 55:12)
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30)
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14:27)
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33)
For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace (1 Corinthians 14:33)
Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you (2 Thessalonians 3:16)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:6-7)
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13)
Family
Making wise decisions is probably one of my least favorite things to do. Not because they are good, or right, or because I will probably benefit from them. I hate making wise decisions because they are usually very HARD to make. Wise decisions rarely mean happy decisions. They are decisions I HAVE to make BECAUSE they are the wise thing to do.
I really hate crying. And I don't usually cry in front of other people. AT ALL. I went through a patch the last month or so that I was getting emotional in front of people way more often than I wanted to. My best friend had moved back to Michigan, relationships were still in a sour state, the stress of school was setting in, and the next thing I knew I was getting teary-eyed in front of people.
As much as crying in front of people says that I am struggling, that is not what tells me it is time for change. When I start crying after leaving situations time and time again, and when thinking about a certain thing makes me sob every time it comes to mind, that is when I know there is a real problem. I really am not much of a crier. I find it embarrassing and weak, and I don't like to do it.
I don't always understand how I can be so completely and utterly weak yet strong and brave all at the same time. I have gone through a lot and as much as it has gone away, it still exists. There is a lot of pain, a lot of wishing, a lot of heart break. Yet through the destruction and the fear somehow I am okay. I always have something to turn to, someone to care about me. I am not alone, and I never will be. I know my purpose, I know my mission, I know my desires, I know who I am. I will lose people, relationships will change, people will walk away and I won't be good enough for others. But I can still walk forward, head up, moving forward in life, believing in myself and what I am doing.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever settle down. If I will ever stop moving, ever stop changing, ever stop running. I have quick feet, I make quick decisions, and I want to do it all. I wonder if I will ever have a place that is home not just physically but home to my heart. I wonder if I will ever have a family I can be close to and call my own, people that love me so crazy much that they would do anything for me. That's really all I want in life. Just a family.
I really hate crying. And I don't usually cry in front of other people. AT ALL. I went through a patch the last month or so that I was getting emotional in front of people way more often than I wanted to. My best friend had moved back to Michigan, relationships were still in a sour state, the stress of school was setting in, and the next thing I knew I was getting teary-eyed in front of people.
As much as crying in front of people says that I am struggling, that is not what tells me it is time for change. When I start crying after leaving situations time and time again, and when thinking about a certain thing makes me sob every time it comes to mind, that is when I know there is a real problem. I really am not much of a crier. I find it embarrassing and weak, and I don't like to do it.
I don't always understand how I can be so completely and utterly weak yet strong and brave all at the same time. I have gone through a lot and as much as it has gone away, it still exists. There is a lot of pain, a lot of wishing, a lot of heart break. Yet through the destruction and the fear somehow I am okay. I always have something to turn to, someone to care about me. I am not alone, and I never will be. I know my purpose, I know my mission, I know my desires, I know who I am. I will lose people, relationships will change, people will walk away and I won't be good enough for others. But I can still walk forward, head up, moving forward in life, believing in myself and what I am doing.
I am beginning to wonder if I will ever settle down. If I will ever stop moving, ever stop changing, ever stop running. I have quick feet, I make quick decisions, and I want to do it all. I wonder if I will ever have a place that is home not just physically but home to my heart. I wonder if I will ever have a family I can be close to and call my own, people that love me so crazy much that they would do anything for me. That's really all I want in life. Just a family.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Conditional
I have a feeling that the more I read Cold Tangerines, the more I will be blogging.
I was able to hear Shauna Nieguist speak on Friday at our Chicks and Chocolate event. I was so intrigued by everything she had to say. I felt like this was a cool older sister talking - finally a speaker that spoke my same language. It was pretty dead on, too. Topic after topic pulled my heart strings, and she was so casual and herself that I couldn't help feeling comfortable, too. She is an incredible speaker and refreshingly genuine and sincere. I'm pretty sure all of us walked out thinking she was our new best friend.
I'm only on page 50 of the book and there is quote after quote I have been jotting down. I keep trying to read but I can't get too far before something hits me so hard I have to stop and text someone it made me think of, or even come to this and really spill out what I'm thinking.
"Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control and manage it and manufacture it, its something else, but if its really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."
How many of my friendships are so full and sincere that I would fight for them? That I would give anything to make sure those people stay close in my life? How many friendships are there that I would be okay with leaving, or that are slipping away now and I'm not doing anything about? How many friendships are there that are gone, or have become insincere that I haven't confronted? I have multiple answers for every one of those questions.
Friendship is not an easy task. I feel like they are harder now than ever before. A large portion of my friends are in college. So many of them have no idea who they are - they are changing, experimenting, trying to figure it out. And for some reason, I find this so incredibly frustrating. I see someone acting a way they normally don't and I get all fired up, because they can't just be themselves and be who they are. And then I realize they aren't really sure who they are. I realize they are still figuring it out, still going through the steps. They don't know if they're going to be stylish or nerdy or cool or clutzy. They don't know who they want to be yet and not only is this okay, this is great. My friends are going through exactly what they NEED to be going through, exactly what I'VE gone through. Yet my patience and my grace is lacking for them. I get mad because I feel like they are being fake to ME, and I get hurt and upset that they would do that.
It is hard to find a balance. I want my friends to be who they are, figure it out and not change after that. Just BE. Instead of loving unconditionally I am loving CONDITIONALLY - I will love and accept you if you are the person I have always known you to be. When you act different, I will get pissed off and not approve, and most likely, you will be well aware.
I'm tired of it being about me. I'm ready for it to be about people. About love, about what they need.
I was able to hear Shauna Nieguist speak on Friday at our Chicks and Chocolate event. I was so intrigued by everything she had to say. I felt like this was a cool older sister talking - finally a speaker that spoke my same language. It was pretty dead on, too. Topic after topic pulled my heart strings, and she was so casual and herself that I couldn't help feeling comfortable, too. She is an incredible speaker and refreshingly genuine and sincere. I'm pretty sure all of us walked out thinking she was our new best friend.
I'm only on page 50 of the book and there is quote after quote I have been jotting down. I keep trying to read but I can't get too far before something hits me so hard I have to stop and text someone it made me think of, or even come to this and really spill out what I'm thinking.
"Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control and manage it and manufacture it, its something else, but if its really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."
How many of my friendships are so full and sincere that I would fight for them? That I would give anything to make sure those people stay close in my life? How many friendships are there that I would be okay with leaving, or that are slipping away now and I'm not doing anything about? How many friendships are there that are gone, or have become insincere that I haven't confronted? I have multiple answers for every one of those questions.
Friendship is not an easy task. I feel like they are harder now than ever before. A large portion of my friends are in college. So many of them have no idea who they are - they are changing, experimenting, trying to figure it out. And for some reason, I find this so incredibly frustrating. I see someone acting a way they normally don't and I get all fired up, because they can't just be themselves and be who they are. And then I realize they aren't really sure who they are. I realize they are still figuring it out, still going through the steps. They don't know if they're going to be stylish or nerdy or cool or clutzy. They don't know who they want to be yet and not only is this okay, this is great. My friends are going through exactly what they NEED to be going through, exactly what I'VE gone through. Yet my patience and my grace is lacking for them. I get mad because I feel like they are being fake to ME, and I get hurt and upset that they would do that.
It is hard to find a balance. I want my friends to be who they are, figure it out and not change after that. Just BE. Instead of loving unconditionally I am loving CONDITIONALLY - I will love and accept you if you are the person I have always known you to be. When you act different, I will get pissed off and not approve, and most likely, you will be well aware.
I'm tired of it being about me. I'm ready for it to be about people. About love, about what they need.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Wake me up when September ends
"I can't handle anymore things that are not quite right in my life, because I feel like that's all I've got. I feel like every single part of my life has bumps and bruises and broken pieces. I want to be all shiny and new, all put together, and I just can't get there . The things I try to forget don't go away, and the mistakes I've made don't go away, and I'm a lot like my old house, cracked and mismatched and patched over."
I am realizing lately I have had a lot of extremely emotional days. Little things make me cry, kind words make me insecure, and laughter seems to have escaped me.
I think about my dear friends moving to Haiti and I am so overwhelmed with pride for them, joy, encouragement, and hope for Haiti. And then my heart hurts thinking of them so far away, and having to go on a trip to Haiti without them [though more likely than not I would see them there!] The Savini's have become such a comfort to me, and that shocks me. I am not one to open up, especially not one to let someone be significant to me. But Jen and Chris are very significant to me. I look up to them, and I love them, and I know they care about me, too. I am incredibly blessed to know them, and be on this journey with them and have them be a part of mine.
It has been interesting for me as the date for them leaving was made official, and has quickly been coming towards us. I am not sure right now what my road looks like, what my path is going to be. I don't know if I am going to move to Haiti or never return. I don't know what God's plan is, and frankly I don't even know what I would like it to be. One minute I feel so moved to start saving and planning and sell all of my belongings and just go. The next moment I am so paralyzed with fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of not getting enough financial support, fear that I am making the wrong decision, and fear of what a hard, difficult choice that would truly be.
Relationships are such a major part of life for me. They hold so much weight in who I am. I let my past regrets and mistakes define my relationships now. Sometimes it is a good thing - I know when to have boundaries and when to let my walls down, what bad habits I have formed and when to watch out for them. But they affect me a lot more mentally than I should let them. It's like Shauna Niequist says in her book Cold Tangerines, which is the quote above. I want to be all shiny and new, all put together, and I just can't get there.
I expect to be able to get it right. I have figured out my problem, I know what needs to change, now it should be perfect. Now my relationships shouldn't have conflicts. Now I shouldn't get hurt, now I shouldn't get angry. Now I shouldn't get jealous, or mad, or insecure. Yet somehow, all of these things keep happening. I have friends that let me down. I disappoint people who mean the world to me. We fight, we get frustrated, we get annoyed.
What Shauna continues with in her book is what really catches me.
"On my worst days, I start to believe that what God wants is perfection. That God is a new-house God. That everything has to work just right, with no cracks in the plaster and no loose tiles. That I need to be completely fixed up. I always think that God's kind of people are squeeky-clean people whose garages don't leak, but really a lot of the people God uses to do amazing things are people who don't necessarily have it all together."
I know I'm getting there. And I need to remember that. I'll never have it perfect or get it completely right. But as long as I keep trying, as long as I am striving to be who God wants me to be, to fix what I can and learn from what I can't - as long as I am taking steps and believing God is here with me and loving me all the way - I will be just fine.
I am realizing lately I have had a lot of extremely emotional days. Little things make me cry, kind words make me insecure, and laughter seems to have escaped me.
I think about my dear friends moving to Haiti and I am so overwhelmed with pride for them, joy, encouragement, and hope for Haiti. And then my heart hurts thinking of them so far away, and having to go on a trip to Haiti without them [though more likely than not I would see them there!] The Savini's have become such a comfort to me, and that shocks me. I am not one to open up, especially not one to let someone be significant to me. But Jen and Chris are very significant to me. I look up to them, and I love them, and I know they care about me, too. I am incredibly blessed to know them, and be on this journey with them and have them be a part of mine.
It has been interesting for me as the date for them leaving was made official, and has quickly been coming towards us. I am not sure right now what my road looks like, what my path is going to be. I don't know if I am going to move to Haiti or never return. I don't know what God's plan is, and frankly I don't even know what I would like it to be. One minute I feel so moved to start saving and planning and sell all of my belongings and just go. The next moment I am so paralyzed with fear. Fear of what people will think, fear of not getting enough financial support, fear that I am making the wrong decision, and fear of what a hard, difficult choice that would truly be.
Relationships are such a major part of life for me. They hold so much weight in who I am. I let my past regrets and mistakes define my relationships now. Sometimes it is a good thing - I know when to have boundaries and when to let my walls down, what bad habits I have formed and when to watch out for them. But they affect me a lot more mentally than I should let them. It's like Shauna Niequist says in her book Cold Tangerines, which is the quote above. I want to be all shiny and new, all put together, and I just can't get there.
I expect to be able to get it right. I have figured out my problem, I know what needs to change, now it should be perfect. Now my relationships shouldn't have conflicts. Now I shouldn't get hurt, now I shouldn't get angry. Now I shouldn't get jealous, or mad, or insecure. Yet somehow, all of these things keep happening. I have friends that let me down. I disappoint people who mean the world to me. We fight, we get frustrated, we get annoyed.
What Shauna continues with in her book is what really catches me.
"On my worst days, I start to believe that what God wants is perfection. That God is a new-house God. That everything has to work just right, with no cracks in the plaster and no loose tiles. That I need to be completely fixed up. I always think that God's kind of people are squeeky-clean people whose garages don't leak, but really a lot of the people God uses to do amazing things are people who don't necessarily have it all together."
I know I'm getting there. And I need to remember that. I'll never have it perfect or get it completely right. But as long as I keep trying, as long as I am striving to be who God wants me to be, to fix what I can and learn from what I can't - as long as I am taking steps and believing God is here with me and loving me all the way - I will be just fine.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Fire
Can't believe I went 3 months without blogging at all. I'm excited to have internet so this can become a regular habit again.
I feel weird blogging without any specific purpose, but I so badly needed to just write again. I miss it. Just being able to pour your thoughts out to whomever feels like reading, and the feeling of relief that comes afterward. I love to talk - everyone who knows me knows that. But writing? I would much prefer to write. I feel so much more honest, and sincere; I can express who I am through written words better than I can through the awkward things that come out of my mouth. It is just one of those creative processes I actually enjoy and benefit from.
Charissa was always one that loved writing and reading. I think it was her first blog that really inspired me to make my own. She is such an english lover; she reads more books in a month than I usually do in a year. She is often the one who suggests a book that I end up reading and absolutely loving. The current one from Charissa is "Gifted to Lead" by Nancy Beach. It is all about women in leadership, and how to succeed. This book is fantastic. I am really beginning my journey in ministry, and it is CRAZY. I am realizing things and learning things that I never have before. Things like boundaries with the younger boys I am now LEADING, and no longer a peer of. Things like how important vulnerability, honesty, humor, compassion, patience, understanding, and confidence are. Things like the absolute necessity of accountability partners, mentors, reading your Bible, and constant prayer. I am learning that I will ALWAYS be learning, and that everyday will be a new lesson. Sometimes easy, often hard, always with good intentions.
I love that God has given me such fire and passion. I love life so much - what a drastic change from my past. I constantly thank God for that change - He swept in and cleared my regrets, gave me a purpose, and changed me forever. I love youth - I feel their pain more than they know, and I care about them and helping them through it. Before I had good influences and people who really cared about me and my life, I started going down a rough path, and it took me a lot to get out of that. And I never would have been able to get out of it WITHOUT those mentors and people who loved me, who encouraged me and showed me God's love and how to have a relationship with Him. It is the same with the orphans I encounter - I want to invest in them and love them like people have done for me. If all I wanted to do with the rest of my life was pay forward what has been given to me when I was undeserving, I would be a busy woman until the day I die.
I just want to be used. I want to continue to burn for Christ, and for His love, and just pour that out onto other people. My prayer and my goal is that I will continue to erase my own selfish desires and broken, negative habits, and just live my life completely for Him.
I'm not perfect, but I love my God like crazy. It's great to know He accepts me this way, and adores me more than I could ever possibly imagine.
I feel weird blogging without any specific purpose, but I so badly needed to just write again. I miss it. Just being able to pour your thoughts out to whomever feels like reading, and the feeling of relief that comes afterward. I love to talk - everyone who knows me knows that. But writing? I would much prefer to write. I feel so much more honest, and sincere; I can express who I am through written words better than I can through the awkward things that come out of my mouth. It is just one of those creative processes I actually enjoy and benefit from.
Charissa was always one that loved writing and reading. I think it was her first blog that really inspired me to make my own. She is such an english lover; she reads more books in a month than I usually do in a year. She is often the one who suggests a book that I end up reading and absolutely loving. The current one from Charissa is "Gifted to Lead" by Nancy Beach. It is all about women in leadership, and how to succeed. This book is fantastic. I am really beginning my journey in ministry, and it is CRAZY. I am realizing things and learning things that I never have before. Things like boundaries with the younger boys I am now LEADING, and no longer a peer of. Things like how important vulnerability, honesty, humor, compassion, patience, understanding, and confidence are. Things like the absolute necessity of accountability partners, mentors, reading your Bible, and constant prayer. I am learning that I will ALWAYS be learning, and that everyday will be a new lesson. Sometimes easy, often hard, always with good intentions.
I love that God has given me such fire and passion. I love life so much - what a drastic change from my past. I constantly thank God for that change - He swept in and cleared my regrets, gave me a purpose, and changed me forever. I love youth - I feel their pain more than they know, and I care about them and helping them through it. Before I had good influences and people who really cared about me and my life, I started going down a rough path, and it took me a lot to get out of that. And I never would have been able to get out of it WITHOUT those mentors and people who loved me, who encouraged me and showed me God's love and how to have a relationship with Him. It is the same with the orphans I encounter - I want to invest in them and love them like people have done for me. If all I wanted to do with the rest of my life was pay forward what has been given to me when I was undeserving, I would be a busy woman until the day I die.
I just want to be used. I want to continue to burn for Christ, and for His love, and just pour that out onto other people. My prayer and my goal is that I will continue to erase my own selfish desires and broken, negative habits, and just live my life completely for Him.
I'm not perfect, but I love my God like crazy. It's great to know He accepts me this way, and adores me more than I could ever possibly imagine.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Forgiveness
More and more lately, I am challenged to be completely filled with God. I pray for love that will pour out of who I am, peace that will constantly calm my heart, and a joy that has a smile permanently on my face.
One of my greatest struggles is my anger. I get hurt and I get bitter. If a friend and I go our seperate ways, seeing facebook posts or them with other people can make me want to explode.
I'm tired of my anger having that much control over me, and over forgiveness. I'm really done with that, and ready to change. Move forward with my life! One of the greatest lessons I need to learn.
Matthew 28:21-22
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
One of my greatest struggles is my anger. I get hurt and I get bitter. If a friend and I go our seperate ways, seeing facebook posts or them with other people can make me want to explode.
I'm tired of my anger having that much control over me, and over forgiveness. I'm really done with that, and ready to change. Move forward with my life! One of the greatest lessons I need to learn.
Matthew 28:21-22
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Return to Me
It’s hard enough to know
That something’s made us not the same
Did I give all I could give
Or spend all I could spend in vain
We were holding on the line
Waiting for the sun to rise
But we could not believe
The sunlight never crossed our eyes
I’m giving you my heart to break again
Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in
Return to me
We were holding on the line
Waiting for the sun to rise
But we could not believe
The sunlight never crossed our eyes
I’m giving you my heart to break again
Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in
Return to me
Every heart goes down and every fire goes out
When we don’t hurt anymore
I know it’s all my fault that you’re behind this wall
But I’ll be here when you break it.
When you let it down.
Return to me
I’m giving you my heart to break again
That something’s made us not the same
Did I give all I could give
Or spend all I could spend in vain
We were holding on the line
Waiting for the sun to rise
But we could not believe
The sunlight never crossed our eyes
I’m giving you my heart to break again
Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in
Return to me
We were holding on the line
Waiting for the sun to rise
But we could not believe
The sunlight never crossed our eyes
I’m giving you my heart to break again
Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in
Return to me
Every heart goes down and every fire goes out
When we don’t hurt anymore
I know it’s all my fault that you’re behind this wall
But I’ll be here when you break it.
When you let it down.
Return to me
I’m giving you my heart to break again
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I Need Words
Lord I'm tired, so tired from walking. And Lord, I'm so alone. Lord, the dark is creepin in, creepin up to swallow me. I think I'll stop, rest here awhile. This is all that I can say right now, this is all that I can give. This is all that I can say right now, and this is all that I can give. That's my everything.
Did you see me crying? Oh and did you hear me call your name? Wasn't it you I gave my heart to? Wish you'd remember where you set it down. And this is all, this is all that I can say right now. I know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. That's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, right now, I know it's not much. Well this is all that I can give, and that's my everything.
Didn't know that you were standing here. Didn't know that that was you holding me. I didn't notice you were crying, too. I didn't know that that was you washing my feet. And this is all, this is all that I can say right now. Oh I know it's not much. This is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, right now, I know it's not much. But this is all that I can give. Yeah that's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, oh and I know it's not much. This is all that I can give, and that's my everything, my everything. Everything.
Did you see me crying? Oh and did you hear me call your name? Wasn't it you I gave my heart to? Wish you'd remember where you set it down. And this is all, this is all that I can say right now. I know it's not much, but this is all that I can give. That's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, right now, I know it's not much. Well this is all that I can give, and that's my everything.
Didn't know that you were standing here. Didn't know that that was you holding me. I didn't notice you were crying, too. I didn't know that that was you washing my feet. And this is all, this is all that I can say right now. Oh I know it's not much. This is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, right now, I know it's not much. But this is all that I can give. Yeah that's my everything. This is all that I can say right now, oh and I know it's not much. This is all that I can give, and that's my everything, my everything. Everything.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Chosen
I haven't been doing a great job of reading my Bible the past few weeks, since my accountability partner and I decided to no longer be accountability partners. Right after we had decided that I went through a few rough patches, and my desire to talk to God or hear from God definitely increased. I've felt challenged over and over since I stopped reading to start again, and this week I finally caved. I was surprised at how relieved I was to read it again. I started in Proverbs, read through a few chapters, and read a few Psalms.
I am finding that my desire to grow is stronger now than it probably ever has been. I am leading groups to Haiti and leading teams at StuCo, but most importantly, I have influence on a lot of teenage girls. Between girls I would call sisters and girls I had led in small group at some point in time, I am shocked to find out how many of them still really look up to me.
I remember in junior high how easily it was for me to consider someone one of my role models. I wanted someone to look up to so badly. Sometimes I chose great influences, sometimes I chose really bad ones. Even still now, it is easy for me to meet someone and grow to respect and really admire them. I remember how important it was to my life growing up, and how important it is to my life now. And then I just feel blown away. Who am I to be influencing other people? How was I given the honor of being a role model?
This is a great, and humbling reminder that God chooses us. We can't buy these kind of honors, or even earn them. God CHOOSES us.
More often than not I don't feel like I deserve these girls' admiration. But this is where God has placed me, and I want to live up to that. Not so I can get a pat on the back or be the hero to many teens acros the nation. But simply because I love God. And this is how God is asking me to help Him. He doesn't NEED my help. He's LETTING me.
What a huge honor and huge responsibility, to be leading teenagers in their lives and their walks with Christ.
I am finding that my desire to grow is stronger now than it probably ever has been. I am leading groups to Haiti and leading teams at StuCo, but most importantly, I have influence on a lot of teenage girls. Between girls I would call sisters and girls I had led in small group at some point in time, I am shocked to find out how many of them still really look up to me.
I remember in junior high how easily it was for me to consider someone one of my role models. I wanted someone to look up to so badly. Sometimes I chose great influences, sometimes I chose really bad ones. Even still now, it is easy for me to meet someone and grow to respect and really admire them. I remember how important it was to my life growing up, and how important it is to my life now. And then I just feel blown away. Who am I to be influencing other people? How was I given the honor of being a role model?
This is a great, and humbling reminder that God chooses us. We can't buy these kind of honors, or even earn them. God CHOOSES us.
More often than not I don't feel like I deserve these girls' admiration. But this is where God has placed me, and I want to live up to that. Not so I can get a pat on the back or be the hero to many teens acros the nation. But simply because I love God. And this is how God is asking me to help Him. He doesn't NEED my help. He's LETTING me.
What a huge honor and huge responsibility, to be leading teenagers in their lives and their walks with Christ.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Reciprocal
I haven't usually been one to ask myself what I gain from what I do in my life. I usually just do it. Sometimes that's good, sometimes that's bad. Sometimes it means I'm being selfless and caring for others. Sometimes it's because I want to do something that I know probably would turn out bady for me or is an unwise decision, but I want to do it anyway. I rarely think about what I could learn from the situation or what could come out of it until it has already happened and I learned [often the hard way] what the outcome would be.
I think I've finally gotten to the point of my life where it is important to me to think before I act. And not meaning I won't take risks or step out in blind faith, because I hope to continue to do that. But when making decisions, however big or small, they need to be thoroughly thought through. I am in a lot of situations in my life currently where it is not something that is healthy for me, or that I am learning from. I am in a lot of one way relationships, which is even more frustrating to me. I believe in the concept of reciprocal relationships. Not because you owe it to the person or even because they deserve it, but because that's how you have a healthy relationship. Give AND take. I also believe in relational communication. You TALK when you are frustrated or upset, or even slightly irritated. Somethings need to be let go, yes. But when you aren't letting it go, and you KNOW it, you need to talk.
I think one of the most frustrating things for me is when you go to someone who has hurt you, and instead of hearing why you are hurt and working together to fix it, they go on attack. They say mean things that they know will hurt you just because they want to spite you, and they are on the defense. They accuse you of everything you have EVER done wrong, just so they dont have to feel bad. Now, I know that sometimes, their accusations are dead on. You havent been listening well, or sensitive to THEIR feelings. But when I come to you first, and you havent told me any of these things, I expect you to listen to what I'm saying and respect my feelings. I will absolutely listen to your feelings and respect them, and we can work together to fix those as well. But just because you feel like I've hurt you, too, doesnt mean you disregard the feelings I came to you with. We are EQUAL. My feelings matter. If I come to you with something that is going wrong, obviously something needs to get fixed. I do not expect it to be a "get on the defense and attack Erin" conversation, either. Multiple people can be in the wrong. But one person's wrong does not cancel out the other. They BOTH need to be worked through.
I'm tired of being the first to communicate so suddenly im insensitive, or I'm the bad guy. How are you supposed to have a relationship if it is not open and equal?
I think I've finally gotten to the point of my life where it is important to me to think before I act. And not meaning I won't take risks or step out in blind faith, because I hope to continue to do that. But when making decisions, however big or small, they need to be thoroughly thought through. I am in a lot of situations in my life currently where it is not something that is healthy for me, or that I am learning from. I am in a lot of one way relationships, which is even more frustrating to me. I believe in the concept of reciprocal relationships. Not because you owe it to the person or even because they deserve it, but because that's how you have a healthy relationship. Give AND take. I also believe in relational communication. You TALK when you are frustrated or upset, or even slightly irritated. Somethings need to be let go, yes. But when you aren't letting it go, and you KNOW it, you need to talk.
I think one of the most frustrating things for me is when you go to someone who has hurt you, and instead of hearing why you are hurt and working together to fix it, they go on attack. They say mean things that they know will hurt you just because they want to spite you, and they are on the defense. They accuse you of everything you have EVER done wrong, just so they dont have to feel bad. Now, I know that sometimes, their accusations are dead on. You havent been listening well, or sensitive to THEIR feelings. But when I come to you first, and you havent told me any of these things, I expect you to listen to what I'm saying and respect my feelings. I will absolutely listen to your feelings and respect them, and we can work together to fix those as well. But just because you feel like I've hurt you, too, doesnt mean you disregard the feelings I came to you with. We are EQUAL. My feelings matter. If I come to you with something that is going wrong, obviously something needs to get fixed. I do not expect it to be a "get on the defense and attack Erin" conversation, either. Multiple people can be in the wrong. But one person's wrong does not cancel out the other. They BOTH need to be worked through.
I'm tired of being the first to communicate so suddenly im insensitive, or I'm the bad guy. How are you supposed to have a relationship if it is not open and equal?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Twenty-something
I feel like I am stuck in this awful in between part of my life. I felt so confident in the family God had given me, in the friends God had given me, in my purpose and my career choice. I feel like someone punched the window of my life and it has shattered into a million pieces, and I am throwing myself around trying to pick it all up and get the shards to all fit back together. But it feels like now that the glass has been shattered, it's not the same shape, and never can be. It might not be a huge difference, but every little knick or shred that's missing has completely changed how it works together.
I have been so confident in where I should be headed and that I'm doing the right thing. Now I know where what I should be doing but I'm not sure if I'm doing it. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Everywhere I turn, my friends are starting real careers with real salaries. Right and left my friends are getting engaged, some even getting married. I have friends that have died, friends that are seriously sick, friends that are getting their own places. How old am I?? I'm constantly shocked at how quickly my life is moving. I am just turning 20 and all of this is already happening? I was quick to become indepedent and force myself into adulthood, and now I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place or know what I'm getting into.
I recently had quite the relational disconnect from God, and it left me feeling pretty down. It's rare I go even half a day without talking to Him in some way, or just listening to what He is sayin. This past month I went a good week and a half without saying a word, unless I was yelling about how I didn't understand, or didn't think what was happening was fair. I felt like the naughty child when I had to get down on my knees and humble myself enough to admit I was wrong, and apologize for taking it out on the person who deserved it least of all. And like every other time, my Father just wrapped me right back up, knowing all along I would come back and He was just patiently waiting. I felt relieved, and disappointed in myself for getting so mad at Him in the first place. And now that I finally have taken my misguided anger out of the picture, I'm really having to LOOK at the picture and figure life out.
As confused as I am, as lost as I am, as defeated as I feel, I am blessed. My Father loves me and you know what, that really is all that matters. He is here for me every single step of the way, tiny or gigantic, no matter what. And He is all I need!
I'm sure I'll never figure it out. Now I just need to become content in knowing that.
I have been so confident in where I should be headed and that I'm doing the right thing. Now I know where what I should be doing but I'm not sure if I'm doing it. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing anything. Everywhere I turn, my friends are starting real careers with real salaries. Right and left my friends are getting engaged, some even getting married. I have friends that have died, friends that are seriously sick, friends that are getting their own places. How old am I?? I'm constantly shocked at how quickly my life is moving. I am just turning 20 and all of this is already happening? I was quick to become indepedent and force myself into adulthood, and now I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place or know what I'm getting into.
I recently had quite the relational disconnect from God, and it left me feeling pretty down. It's rare I go even half a day without talking to Him in some way, or just listening to what He is sayin. This past month I went a good week and a half without saying a word, unless I was yelling about how I didn't understand, or didn't think what was happening was fair. I felt like the naughty child when I had to get down on my knees and humble myself enough to admit I was wrong, and apologize for taking it out on the person who deserved it least of all. And like every other time, my Father just wrapped me right back up, knowing all along I would come back and He was just patiently waiting. I felt relieved, and disappointed in myself for getting so mad at Him in the first place. And now that I finally have taken my misguided anger out of the picture, I'm really having to LOOK at the picture and figure life out.
As confused as I am, as lost as I am, as defeated as I feel, I am blessed. My Father loves me and you know what, that really is all that matters. He is here for me every single step of the way, tiny or gigantic, no matter what. And He is all I need!
I'm sure I'll never figure it out. Now I just need to become content in knowing that.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Moving on
I’ve always been a big fan of reminiscing. I love getting together with people, especially ones I haven’t seen in a while, and just thinking back on our lives and just laughing at ourselves, remembering the smiles, the tears, the dumb conflict. I think it’s healthy to look back after a while and talk over it. Almost like letting it go, verbally making it obvious that we are better off now, any bad things have been forgiven, and the good stuff stored deep in our memories.
Getting together with the group of friends I did last night was interesting. The only people of real significance in that group to me were lisa and jared. Talk about memories. Lisa was my best friend from 6th grade to junior year. 5 years. We learned how to kiss at the same time, first dated at the same time, had the same friends, had the same classes, went to funerals together, went to weddings together. We were the typical inseparable duo. Jared and I met before freshman year. Which is so weird to me. When I think about Jared and I, it feels like it was years and years. But we were only friends for 2 years. We hit it off INSTANTLY, which im sure is part of the confusion. We were instantly best friends; I told him everything, he told me everything, we talked every day, every moment we could. It’s silly for me to recap our entire friendship, nor do I want to. But I made the mistake of making Jared my everything. He was all I focused on, all I cared about, all I wanted to be with.
Obviously I am struggling today to get Jared off of my mind. A lot of the reminiscing we did last night was incredibly painful, dagger after dagger to the heart. He joked about times he freaked out because he thought I was hurt. The times he cried because he didn’t know how to help me, and it’s all he wanted to do. The times we would go on walks that lasted for hours, just so we could hold hands and talk without our parents bugging us. Our late nights, the times we kissed, when we planned our lives out. Last night I laughed and smiled, and brought up memories of my own, but it felt like my insides were collapsing. All this time I had tried to persuade myself I wasn’t special, I wasn’t significant. And that was actually what helped me move on; I was just one of the dozens. And it was like my boat was hitting an iceberg, hearing that he did in fact love me, and did in fact care. It has been 4 years of me trying to persuade myself otherwise. And I did, actually, pretty successfully. To the point where I did in fact move on.
I don’t think last night changed my feelings toward jared. I have no desire to be with him anymore. I know that I love him, and I always will, but not the same way. I’m still not even sure if I even want to be his friend.
It’s funny, really. I keep thinking about him, but there’s one specific feeling that keeps coming back to me.
I remember when Jared and I first broke up, and he was in the hospital. Everywhere I went made me cry. Everything I did made me cry. Everything I listened to made me cry. After a while I just had no hope. Anything I had done for the past 2 years had been with him, anywhere I had gone he had been with me. I felt that no matter what, I wouldn’t be able to move on, wouldn’t be able to forget him, because the entire WORLD for me WAS him. Its funny remember feeling like that, because I feel it like it was recent, yet obviously that isn’t still how I feel. I don’t actually know when that feeling went away; I’m sure it was gradual. And SLOW. But now, I go where we went and I don’t think of him. I do things we did and I don’t think of him. I mean, given, there are times he comes to mind. But he isn’t all this town is to me anymore. That went away. But that feeling of hopelessness is what stayed with me. I remember that pain like it was yesterday. It’s like God is making sure THAT is the feeling I remember, so I don’t make the mistake of thinking it is ever okay to let that happen again. With him or even someone else.
I’m done with letting Jared think that I have to EARN him, or that I don’t deserve him. Because you know what? Jared doesn’t deserve ME. He doesn’t deserve to have me as his girlfriend, or to be loved by me, or even deserve to be my friend. Jared thinks he is the STUFF, and that he can use women and treat them however he pleases. I don’t care how much he used to love me or care about me. He is not the type of person I desire to have in my life, to be around me, or to influence me. He doesn’t deserve to spend time with me, or get to make me smile or hear me laugh, or comfort me when im upset. Jared doesn’t deserve to know what’s going on in my life, or what I want to do when I finish college. You know what Jared deserves? Jared deserves to be crossed out of the picture, pushed out of the box. Jared deserves to be erased from my memory, erased from my heart. Jared deserves to be forgotten. I know that I’ll never be able to get rid of all of it, but I know im finally on the right track. I’m not nervous I’ll run into Jared, or nervous I’ll look bad or won’t make him think about what he’s missing. Because you know what? this was HIS loss. I can find someone to care about me and love me. I HAVE those people in my life. But until Jared changes, he isn’t going to find someone like me again. Someone that will challenge him to change, who will love him and be there for him unconditionally, who isn’t just in it for some physical fun because he’s a got a hot body and a charming personality. When Jared and I see each other in public I’m going to walk proud, because he LOST me, HE doesn’t have another chance, and I’VE moved on.
Take that.
Getting together with the group of friends I did last night was interesting. The only people of real significance in that group to me were lisa and jared. Talk about memories. Lisa was my best friend from 6th grade to junior year. 5 years. We learned how to kiss at the same time, first dated at the same time, had the same friends, had the same classes, went to funerals together, went to weddings together. We were the typical inseparable duo. Jared and I met before freshman year. Which is so weird to me. When I think about Jared and I, it feels like it was years and years. But we were only friends for 2 years. We hit it off INSTANTLY, which im sure is part of the confusion. We were instantly best friends; I told him everything, he told me everything, we talked every day, every moment we could. It’s silly for me to recap our entire friendship, nor do I want to. But I made the mistake of making Jared my everything. He was all I focused on, all I cared about, all I wanted to be with.
Obviously I am struggling today to get Jared off of my mind. A lot of the reminiscing we did last night was incredibly painful, dagger after dagger to the heart. He joked about times he freaked out because he thought I was hurt. The times he cried because he didn’t know how to help me, and it’s all he wanted to do. The times we would go on walks that lasted for hours, just so we could hold hands and talk without our parents bugging us. Our late nights, the times we kissed, when we planned our lives out. Last night I laughed and smiled, and brought up memories of my own, but it felt like my insides were collapsing. All this time I had tried to persuade myself I wasn’t special, I wasn’t significant. And that was actually what helped me move on; I was just one of the dozens. And it was like my boat was hitting an iceberg, hearing that he did in fact love me, and did in fact care. It has been 4 years of me trying to persuade myself otherwise. And I did, actually, pretty successfully. To the point where I did in fact move on.
I don’t think last night changed my feelings toward jared. I have no desire to be with him anymore. I know that I love him, and I always will, but not the same way. I’m still not even sure if I even want to be his friend.
It’s funny, really. I keep thinking about him, but there’s one specific feeling that keeps coming back to me.
I remember when Jared and I first broke up, and he was in the hospital. Everywhere I went made me cry. Everything I did made me cry. Everything I listened to made me cry. After a while I just had no hope. Anything I had done for the past 2 years had been with him, anywhere I had gone he had been with me. I felt that no matter what, I wouldn’t be able to move on, wouldn’t be able to forget him, because the entire WORLD for me WAS him. Its funny remember feeling like that, because I feel it like it was recent, yet obviously that isn’t still how I feel. I don’t actually know when that feeling went away; I’m sure it was gradual. And SLOW. But now, I go where we went and I don’t think of him. I do things we did and I don’t think of him. I mean, given, there are times he comes to mind. But he isn’t all this town is to me anymore. That went away. But that feeling of hopelessness is what stayed with me. I remember that pain like it was yesterday. It’s like God is making sure THAT is the feeling I remember, so I don’t make the mistake of thinking it is ever okay to let that happen again. With him or even someone else.
I’m done with letting Jared think that I have to EARN him, or that I don’t deserve him. Because you know what? Jared doesn’t deserve ME. He doesn’t deserve to have me as his girlfriend, or to be loved by me, or even deserve to be my friend. Jared thinks he is the STUFF, and that he can use women and treat them however he pleases. I don’t care how much he used to love me or care about me. He is not the type of person I desire to have in my life, to be around me, or to influence me. He doesn’t deserve to spend time with me, or get to make me smile or hear me laugh, or comfort me when im upset. Jared doesn’t deserve to know what’s going on in my life, or what I want to do when I finish college. You know what Jared deserves? Jared deserves to be crossed out of the picture, pushed out of the box. Jared deserves to be erased from my memory, erased from my heart. Jared deserves to be forgotten. I know that I’ll never be able to get rid of all of it, but I know im finally on the right track. I’m not nervous I’ll run into Jared, or nervous I’ll look bad or won’t make him think about what he’s missing. Because you know what? this was HIS loss. I can find someone to care about me and love me. I HAVE those people in my life. But until Jared changes, he isn’t going to find someone like me again. Someone that will challenge him to change, who will love him and be there for him unconditionally, who isn’t just in it for some physical fun because he’s a got a hot body and a charming personality. When Jared and I see each other in public I’m going to walk proud, because he LOST me, HE doesn’t have another chance, and I’VE moved on.
Take that.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Abundance
my Father in heaven is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Which is funny to say, since I wouldn't have happened if it weren't for Him.
I've been so swept away by the love of Jesus, it's hard to put into words. He is all I am about, all I am living for. I would have no purpose, no drive if it weren't for Him.
As the months have gone on I have felt so incredibly close to God, more so every single day. There were multiple points this weekend I felt God wrap His arms around me, and I felt more safe and comfortable than I ever have.
Forever Reign by Hillsong is a song we focused on this weekend. I had heard the song before, but hearing it at Blast definitely helped it stand out to me even more. Every line in that song is amazing, so instead of just writing what I like, I'll just post them all. I've never sang a song that felt more like I was speaking directly to my Father.
We have an awesome God. We are lucky to be able to run to His arms, to feel His embrace, to feel His love, His peace, His joy. I really don't know how in the world I would get through even a day of this life without Him.
You are good, You are good
when there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
on display for all to see
You are light, You are light
when the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace
when my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
ever in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life
in You death has lost its sting
You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
in Your presence I'm made whole
You are God You are God
of all else I'm letting go
Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms
the riches of Your love will always be enough
nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the world, forever reign
my heart will sing no other name, Jesus, Jesus
I've been so swept away by the love of Jesus, it's hard to put into words. He is all I am about, all I am living for. I would have no purpose, no drive if it weren't for Him.
As the months have gone on I have felt so incredibly close to God, more so every single day. There were multiple points this weekend I felt God wrap His arms around me, and I felt more safe and comfortable than I ever have.
Forever Reign by Hillsong is a song we focused on this weekend. I had heard the song before, but hearing it at Blast definitely helped it stand out to me even more. Every line in that song is amazing, so instead of just writing what I like, I'll just post them all. I've never sang a song that felt more like I was speaking directly to my Father.
We have an awesome God. We are lucky to be able to run to His arms, to feel His embrace, to feel His love, His peace, His joy. I really don't know how in the world I would get through even a day of this life without Him.
You are good, You are good
when there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
on display for all to see
You are light, You are light
when the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace
when my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
ever in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life
in You death has lost its sting
You are more, You are more
than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
all creation will proclaim
You are here You are here
in Your presence I'm made whole
You are God You are God
of all else I'm letting go
Oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms
the riches of Your love will always be enough
nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the world, forever reign
my heart will sing no other name, Jesus, Jesus
Friday, February 11, 2011
Run to You
As soon as I begin to lose focus, God pulls me back.
One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn/am learning is that it is not about the people here. It is not about what they think or how they feel about me, or pleasing them or making them proud. God wants me to be the person HE wants me to be. I'm living to make HIM proud, and to please HIM. I try to hard to gain earthly approval I'm just never going to get. Not because I'm not good enough but because I'm not MEANT to get it.
I belong to my Heavenly Father and only my Heavenly Father. He loves me so incredibly much, and more than anyone else ever would or ever could. I need to be joyful in His love and His comfort, and not so discontent when I am not getting it from other people. He is all I need, all I want.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane.
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.
oh how He loves us, oh how He loves...
One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn/am learning is that it is not about the people here. It is not about what they think or how they feel about me, or pleasing them or making them proud. God wants me to be the person HE wants me to be. I'm living to make HIM proud, and to please HIM. I try to hard to gain earthly approval I'm just never going to get. Not because I'm not good enough but because I'm not MEANT to get it.
I belong to my Heavenly Father and only my Heavenly Father. He loves me so incredibly much, and more than anyone else ever would or ever could. I need to be joyful in His love and His comfort, and not so discontent when I am not getting it from other people. He is all I need, all I want.
He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane.
I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
All of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.
oh how He loves us, oh how He loves...
Thursday, February 3, 2011
After You
meanwhile back at my heart, I'm desperate for all that You are
undo me and take me apart
meanwhile back at my soul, mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start
Every day I feel like I am one step closer to getting my life straightened out. I know I'll never figure it all out, and I won't always be happy or pleased with what's going on. But I can be peaceful. And I really feel like I'm getting there.
I'm not sure where I want to be when I'm older, or what job I want to have. I don't know what country I want to live in, or who I want to be in relationship with. I don't know anything about my future. I used to be such a control freak. There is no way I would have been okay with this just a few months ago. But I feel like I'm okay without knowing. I'm quite the planner, and I don't expect that to go away. But I won't be planning things like my future or what I'm going to do with my life. I think I've really given that up at this point.
I find myself searching for more and more ways to feel close to God. My relationship with Him has become more and more significant to my life, and now I find myself constantly in conversation with Him, thinking about Him, thanking Him. My dream is for him to become THE most significant relationship in my life, and I really feel like He's there now.
Let the songs I sing bring joy to You
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune
Father, let my heart be after You
undo me and take me apart
meanwhile back at my soul, mend me, please make me whole
You know just where to start
Every day I feel like I am one step closer to getting my life straightened out. I know I'll never figure it all out, and I won't always be happy or pleased with what's going on. But I can be peaceful. And I really feel like I'm getting there.
I'm not sure where I want to be when I'm older, or what job I want to have. I don't know what country I want to live in, or who I want to be in relationship with. I don't know anything about my future. I used to be such a control freak. There is no way I would have been okay with this just a few months ago. But I feel like I'm okay without knowing. I'm quite the planner, and I don't expect that to go away. But I won't be planning things like my future or what I'm going to do with my life. I think I've really given that up at this point.
I find myself searching for more and more ways to feel close to God. My relationship with Him has become more and more significant to my life, and now I find myself constantly in conversation with Him, thinking about Him, thanking Him. My dream is for him to become THE most significant relationship in my life, and I really feel like He's there now.
Let the songs I sing bring joy to You
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be Your favorite tune
Father, let my heart be after You
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Ping Pong
When the ping pong table talk started, I was concerned. It seems that our house has enough competition, and it would be just one more thing that would cause easy fights. I knew it would be fun but I was worried about sore losers or arrogant winners, and was really curious as to what would happen.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
One of the things we always talked about as a benefit of me living with the Raads was the example they were setting for me. I was getting to learn how a family functions in a healthy way. Every home has its own flaws, its strengths and weaknesses. I have gotten to see examples of lenience, instruction, direction, mercy, discipline, grace, forgiveness, and most of all, and most importantly, love. The love of a protective father and a compassionate mother, the love of a sister for her little brother, and a little boy for his mom. But not only have I been blessed with the example of a loving family between the kids and the parents, but between the parents themselves.
For some reason more recently I've really been able to see Tim and Brandie for the couple that they are. I always dreamed of falling in love and marrying my high school sweetheart, and they've been living that for 17 years now.
Watching Tim and Brandie play ping pong made my heart swell. I could imagine them as kids my age playing for hours, just spending time together and enjoying it. It was like they dropped 20 years in my mind, and I could see the love that they have for each other, then and still now.
I have been so blessed to become part of this family that is such a great example for me, but even more importantly I have been blessed to have an example of a successful and loving relationship. Living in a world full of broken homes and broken hearts, I find it too easy to lose faith in relationships and people. Not only have they helped me learn how to function in relationships in a much healthier manner, but they've given me hope for my own life.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
One of the things we always talked about as a benefit of me living with the Raads was the example they were setting for me. I was getting to learn how a family functions in a healthy way. Every home has its own flaws, its strengths and weaknesses. I have gotten to see examples of lenience, instruction, direction, mercy, discipline, grace, forgiveness, and most of all, and most importantly, love. The love of a protective father and a compassionate mother, the love of a sister for her little brother, and a little boy for his mom. But not only have I been blessed with the example of a loving family between the kids and the parents, but between the parents themselves.
For some reason more recently I've really been able to see Tim and Brandie for the couple that they are. I always dreamed of falling in love and marrying my high school sweetheart, and they've been living that for 17 years now.
Watching Tim and Brandie play ping pong made my heart swell. I could imagine them as kids my age playing for hours, just spending time together and enjoying it. It was like they dropped 20 years in my mind, and I could see the love that they have for each other, then and still now.
I have been so blessed to become part of this family that is such a great example for me, but even more importantly I have been blessed to have an example of a successful and loving relationship. Living in a world full of broken homes and broken hearts, I find it too easy to lose faith in relationships and people. Not only have they helped me learn how to function in relationships in a much healthier manner, but they've given me hope for my own life.
Monday, January 24, 2011
The heart behind Haiti
Why Haiti?
Why give up your comfortable life to do something as dangerous as serve there?
Why not the neighborhoods right around you?
Why give up your comfortable life to do something as dangerous as serve there?
Why not the neighborhoods right around you?
I have always had a passion for places OTHER than the United States. International missions was something I was 100% sure I would be involved with at some point in my life. Does this mean I don't serve the people right here in my own community? Absolutely not. I am passionate for hurting people in poverty, and I know they exist right here, as close as East Aurora, right up the street from where I live. I pray for these places, I serve in these places, and I care for them as well. But no matter how much I care for this community, my compassion for Haiti will far exceed it. As much as I am physically living here in Aurora, my heart is in Haiti. Haiti is my community, and as much my family as Aurora is. Someday I hope for that to become my physical community as well.
God has placed a calling on my life stronger than anything else I have ever felt. I think about Haiti every single day, and I wake up waiting to see how God is going to bring me even closer to that country, physically as well as emotionally. God has made it abundantly clear that Haiti is also my home, and that He wants me to serve and love those people with the strength He gives me. This isn't just a decision I am making, but a decision God has made for my life. I am just choosing to surrender to Him, and to follow.
I went to Haiti for the first time last July, and before I even went I knew it would be a first step to a much longer journey. As soon as I was back in America, I was wishing I could go back to Haiti. And finally, the date has come! I will be going to Haiti with The Global Orphan Project July 28th through either August 1st or August 3rd [we are still waiting to see if we will get the extension].
My dream is that people won't just pray for my trip or support us financially, but will join us on this mission. This could mean very different things for people. It could mean physically joining us on the trip, and going with us to Haiti this July. If that is the case, PLEASE contact me as soon as possible, and we can start talking through what that would look like. For most people, it will simply be allowing your heart to feel what we feel. Pray not only for the trip, but for the country. And not because you were asked to, but because you are allowing God to break your heart the way Haiti breaks His. When you pray for us and support our trip financially, you are becoming part of this mission with us. I don't want you to have a short interaction with me and have that be the end of it; I want you to be a part of this! I want to share with you the process, the stories, the joy and the tears. This kind of experiences changes lives. Not just the ones who went on the trip, but anyone who participated.
Please be praying about how God is trying to speak to you. Whether it be joining us on our trip, supporting us financially, or praying for the trip, I would love for you to be part of this mission with me.
If you would like to support the trip financially, please make the check out to The Global Orphan Project, and mail them to me [1845 Indian Hill Lane, Aurora IL 60503].
If you would like to become part of our prayer team and go through this process with us, please send an email to theHaitiJourney@yahoo.com, and you will be added to the regular email list.
You can also follow the journey on facebook [facebook.com/TheHaitiJourney] and twitter [http://twitter.com/#!/thehaitijourney].
Surrender
Haiti is slowly consuming more and more of my life, and that couldn't make me happier.
Last Thursday was my first official Haiti meeting with a few people who are considering going with me. I got pretty freaked out before I left. As confident as I am that I'm doing what God wants, it still scares me. The fact that each trip is taking me one step closer to my ultimate goal of moving to Haiti is horrifying.
On the way to the meeting I turned off my radio and just talked out loud with God. After only a few seconds I was sobbing, completely overwhelmed by His love and His blessings. I found myself just saying thank you over and over and over again.
It's a cool moment when you realize that God has blessed you with a vision and a purpose. It's also really cool when you finally let go of control. I have finally just surrendered my future to God, and it was the best feeling in the world. Who better to plan out my life than the one who knows it all?
I wanted to get the word "surrender" tattooed on my wrist for quite a while. I wanted a physical, in my face reminder that this is not my life, but God's, and I am to surrender everything to Him. I don't need a tattoo to remind me of that. Every second of my life is a reminder that I need to surrender my control, my plans, my feelings to Him. How different [and terrible] my life would be if I didn't decide to do that.
This weekend there were a lot of comments about starting your day and DECIDING to do something, like be a mother, or a wife. I need to wake up every morning and decide to surrender that day to my Father, to let Him control what happens, control my actions, simply control my life. I couldn't make a better decision for myself.
Last Thursday was my first official Haiti meeting with a few people who are considering going with me. I got pretty freaked out before I left. As confident as I am that I'm doing what God wants, it still scares me. The fact that each trip is taking me one step closer to my ultimate goal of moving to Haiti is horrifying.
On the way to the meeting I turned off my radio and just talked out loud with God. After only a few seconds I was sobbing, completely overwhelmed by His love and His blessings. I found myself just saying thank you over and over and over again.
It's a cool moment when you realize that God has blessed you with a vision and a purpose. It's also really cool when you finally let go of control. I have finally just surrendered my future to God, and it was the best feeling in the world. Who better to plan out my life than the one who knows it all?
I wanted to get the word "surrender" tattooed on my wrist for quite a while. I wanted a physical, in my face reminder that this is not my life, but God's, and I am to surrender everything to Him. I don't need a tattoo to remind me of that. Every second of my life is a reminder that I need to surrender my control, my plans, my feelings to Him. How different [and terrible] my life would be if I didn't decide to do that.
This weekend there were a lot of comments about starting your day and DECIDING to do something, like be a mother, or a wife. I need to wake up every morning and decide to surrender that day to my Father, to let Him control what happens, control my actions, simply control my life. I couldn't make a better decision for myself.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
First
I got to meet with one of the best influences in my life tonight, and just sit and talk through my life. Not only does talking through things help you see things more clearly, but it is always helpful to have someone with more experience and wisdom be able to help you process and work through things.
She read me something that someone else actually wrote to her, but that she felt was true to me as well. And man, did it hit home. The one thing that struck me the most is the following quote:
"You are God's CHILD first, and His servant second."
wow. WOW. I feel like it was God speaking right to me when I heard that. No matter what, He loves me. Doesn't matter how many hours I put into church or leading or small groups. Yes, that is all good, and beneficial, and relational. But doing those things doesn't make God love me MORE.
Great realization tonight. Now for the next steps.
She read me something that someone else actually wrote to her, but that she felt was true to me as well. And man, did it hit home. The one thing that struck me the most is the following quote:
"You are God's CHILD first, and His servant second."
wow. WOW. I feel like it was God speaking right to me when I heard that. No matter what, He loves me. Doesn't matter how many hours I put into church or leading or small groups. Yes, that is all good, and beneficial, and relational. But doing those things doesn't make God love me MORE.
Great realization tonight. Now for the next steps.
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