2008

I've been waiting for this day the entire year, but now that it's here it feels like it came really fast. I've learned so much, changed so much, made so many new friends, pretty much live for a totally different reason than I did at the start.

I'm so excited to start this new year. I can start off the year like I ended my summer. My new years resolution is to, step by step, have characteristics as Jesus did while he was here with us on earth.

A few of the lessons learned this year?

1. Boundaries are ESSENTIAL to healthy relationships
2. Sometimes you just have to do what you don't want to, because there aren't any other options. And instead of pouting about it, you need to find a lesson in it
3. There is a reason behind every single thing that happens. Find it
4. Our purpose in life is to spread God's word
5. Sometimes, all you can do is be Jesus to those who don't know him yet
6. There is no reason to fear. If you have a fear, overcome it. It will only hold you back
7. Don't let others make decisions for you. You need to make your own. Not only because you are the only one who really knows yourself, but it is also a good growing experience. You'll be making decisions your ENTIRE LIFE. get used to it now
8. Just because you are going away for college, or moving out of the state doesn't mean you should cut the people you love off now so it's less painful.
   
9. Take advantage of the time you have with the people you love. You never know how much time you have left
10. Just because someone is depressed, hurts themselves, or even takes their lives, it doesn't mean it's your fault. Sometimes, you just can't help people. Never take the blame for someone else's decision

I am so excited for 2009. I can definitely say it will be the greatest year of my life so far :]

Springhill, or no Springhill?

I would go for training June 4th through June 14th, and the first day of camp is June 14th. Last day is August 14th. 12 weeks, could earn almost 1,500 dollars. but gone. all summer. in Michigan, doing what I love. but pretty much leaving for college 3 months early.

so can I do that? leave my friends, my loved ones 3 months before I planned to? make good money I can save for visiting?
or should I stick around, get a job I won't enjoy as much and won't make as much money with, nad live at home longer?


i hate decisions

it's useful to have friends and siblings already in college :]

I just needed to put this list somewhere I could find it later on. so here we go, my trustee blog. gotta love it

• comfy chairs
• body size mirror
• hangers
• shoe organizer
• mattress pad [the things that go under the sheet, make it more comfortable]
• sheets
• pillows
• my big thick blanket
• extra blankets
• posters
• some type of decoration for the room... kayla suggests christmas lights
  
• big stuffed animal [BIG big]
• water bottles [the GOOD ones, re-usable ones]
• travel coffee cups
• books [ideas?]
  
• movies [ideas?]
  
• portable music player
• laptop
• backpack
• bike
• swimsuit
• running shoes
• shampoo/conditioner/shower gel/shower poof, as my sister calls
• bathrobe
• towels
• coffee maker
• mugs
• coffee
• throat coat tea
• vitamins
• that one flu resistant thing
• tissues
• hairbrush
• straightener
• curling iron
• hair dryer
• lotion
• make up
• hair stuff [bungies, bobby pins, hair spray, leave in conditioner]
• slippers
• LOTS of hoodies/sweaters/etc
• lots of WARM, FUZZY socks
• contact case, contact solution
• glasses, case
• laundry detergent
• coins [start a piggy bank]
• pajamas
• sweat pants [lazy clothes]
• tons of pens, pencils, high lighters
• post it notes, little notepads
• camera
• calendar
• bible/journal/devotional
• HEALTHY munchies
  

CHRISTmas

I was reading my friend Deanna's blog, and she had some really thoughtful stuff in it. This is one of my favorite parts;

Christmas is the most miraculous event in the Bible. The possibility of Jesus fufilling 1/3 of the prophecies (most notably the ones of his birth) are the same as taking a quarter and painting it black. Then filling Texas up with quarters to about 3 inches and sticking the black quarter somewhere in the middle. Then blindfolding a person and them choosing the one black quarter. When you think about it that way Christ's birth truly was the most miraculous in history.

Now Christ's birth was not only miraculous, but also humble. Think about it. Donald Trump paid millions for a craddle for his child, but God laid his only son in a manger. God could have woven his son's sheets out of silk, gold, or even clouds. He could have made the craddel out of gold and lined it with precious jewels, but instead he laid his precious head on hay. God gave the most perfect gift to the world and wrapped it in what seemed like day old newspaper or even a plastic bag. His son was a gift not only to man, but to all mankind, including the sub-human level shepards, the ones he blessed with a chorus of angels and the ability to wittness first hand the king of kings


I think that is such a great point. It also shows how much God DOESN'T care about looks and appearances. He loved His son as he was, a glorious miracle blessed to all of man kind. He didn't need to make sure he was the hottest babe with the clearest big blue eyes wrapped in the finest material you could ever find. He didn't care about having the hottest mom carrying His son, or what the kid would come out like. He cared about Mary's heart, and her devotion and loyalty. He cared about who Jesus would become, not what he was wrapped in when he first came to the earth. I think it is such an amazing thing, that we have such an awesome god that only cares about our INSIDES. It doesn't matter if we have the nicest clothes from the fanciest places, or if we do our hair with the newest trend. He just wants us to be ourselves and love Him with all of our hearts.

Fascinating. Our God is an awesome God.

this is family?

It breaks my heart that this is what I have to call family. this is what I'm stuck with, these are the only people I can truly count on being "there" my entire life. they're also the people I wish I could put on the back burner, not have to deal with.

It hurts more than anything that it's my family that's tearing me apart. arent they the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally? arent they the ones who are supposed to back you up, no matter what?

i love how my family holds baggage. you can make one mistake. it could be huge, it could be small, but i can promise itll be remembered. not only remembered, but used against you. it could be something YEARS ago, when you were a completely different person, yet somehow they will figure out how it applies.

I always said I loved the holidays. Now I'm rethinking that. I mean, it's the one time of year where no matter what you WILL see your family members. where you have to spend ridiculous amounts of time with them.

I wish I could lock myself in a room during the holidays. i hate this crap


I can honestly say I would rather not have this family at all than have what I have now. It's destroying me. It's the one thing that needs to change, the last major thing. and I can't change it, because I can't get RID of it. no matter how much I "just take it" or let myself get walked over, nothing improves. the only thing thats happening is that i am getting hurt over and over again by the people who are supposed to care about me.


so there's my negative. and I'm gonna do what Brandie and Tim and charissa and everyone tell me to do... positives.

I leave in ... 243 days for college.
if I get this camp counselor job, I could leave in... 146 days.
thats only about 5 months for camp, about 8 months for college.
I can do this. I've done this for 17 and a half years, I can do it for another half a year. easy.

I also am extremely blessed with other "family", like the Raads, and all my best friends. you guys are my real family, and i love you so much. i couldnt make it through without you. my family doesnt love me, no. as a matter of fact, they dont even really LIKE me. but God has helped fill that empty hole with amazing people who could step in and fill the gap. so thanks to all of you for doing that.

I can't think of any other positives. I just gotta keep my head up so I can see the near future, or Ill lose all hope.

at the most, 8 months. I AM strong enough to do this. I CAN do this. no matter what they say.
and I CAN be a leader. and a darn good one. none of them will make me believe otherwise.


oh ya, one more positive
seeing this has helped me decide what ill do with MY family, when I get one
first off, I will marry a true believer. i wont let anyone else pressure me into marrying him, itll be my choice, and God's plan. I will not have so many kids that I can't afford to give them what they NEED. I won't say words like stupid or shut up. ever. I will love these kids unconditionally, SHOW them Christ, so they can go out and do the same. I will not be hateful, I will not raise my voice. I will not let these kids turn out nasty bc of anything going on in my life. While they are in my home, in my control, I WILL be Jesus to them. I won't do what my mother did, or what my father did. or even what my older brothers ended up doing. my children WILL NOT have to go through what I did. I would rather never marry or have children than make anybody go through this.

one of my biggest inspirations - Lena

[sunday, december 21st. 1:42 am]
i had a big epiphany. and it started with this quote by mother theresa.

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse
you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are
successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be
forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and
transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and
transparent anyway. What you spend years building
may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People
who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have
and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway.

Basically, my thoughts are this: why do we spend so much time building walls? people always say that you can't appreciate the sun without experiencing the rain. so why do we run from rain? "because it hurts; it makes things messy." but how beautiful is that? when you go through the hardest times in life, you end up growing the most, improving yourself, learning more about yourself. thats awesome to me. here's another quote:

if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is
a measure of a successful life, then some would say they
are failures. the important thing is not to be bitter over life's
disappointments, learn to let go of the past, and recognize
that everyday wont be sunny. when you find yourself lost in
the darkness of despair, remember its only in the black of
night you can see the stars and those stars will lead you back
home. maybe you wont get everything you wish for, maybe you
will get more than you ever could have imagined. who knows
where life will take you. the road is long and in the end the
journey is the destination.

so, take control. realize where you came from, and know where you're going. make your life your own. embrace life for all God meant it to be. frustrating, upsetting, disappointing, exciting, aspiring, loving. maybe the problems you're trying to run from are supposed to be in your life. maybe you'll learn something amazing by going through them. you'll meet new people, learn new things, how unfortunate would it be for you to miss all that, just because you were scared of a little pain?

from now on, i'm going to love recklessly, live my life without holding back. because from now on, i'm not going to care. God didn't make us all just to be born, breathe, and die. he made us to do beautiful and amazing things. so i'm going to be "strong and courageous" and with his guidance, i'll do beautiful and amazing things. i'm not scared anymore. this is my life, and i'm living it.

yet another observation

an old friend of mine came back to visit today at school. wev had our ups and downs, but it was definitely good seeing him again. in a way, hes kind of been my older brother for like 6 years. so yeah. good to see him.

but anyway. it was WEIRD.
what really got me thinkin about it was when my friend mike was like "oh ya i saw him in the choir room! wat was his grand entrance?" [if you knew the kid who visited, you would know why mike asked that] and i was like "well... he didnt have. he was... chill, just kind of there" [saying it out loud shocked mike and i both into silence]

its weird how time changes people. this kid was the weirdest, most outgoing ridiculous person i knew. i loved him to death, he was amazing. when he came back today, it was like 20 yrs was added on his age [like yeah, he actually matured] and it was jst like WHOA. i could come back and visit next year, or people could visit me, and they could be completely different. or i could be completely different. and it was just... shocking. i didnt really know what to say to that.

its one of those tings you know are going to happen, but dont see it until it directly affects you.

weird

just an observation

I have been extremely negative in my blogs. but thats not my entire life. so i should probably be writing not all bad, so the people i know read this dont start tweaking. although one already has. ha. sorry ben.

so life. lets see.
well, for one, these nasty headaches suck. i cant even imagine what brandie goes through. they make me want to go to sleep and not get up until they are completely gone.

sorry thats not positive.

stuco. gaaah. i love stuco. the message last week was amazing
THATS WHAT ILL TALK ABOUT
[you see, thats why i talk so much. bc if yo talk enough, at some point, inspiration will hit you. no words are useless :D ok thats a lie but... oh well]

so at stuco this week. i was sitting there with megs and totally bawling my head off bc of realizations and some other stuff im not going to talk about on here. and i really felt God telling me to go talk to Melissa. and being the bad person i am, i refused. i had plenty of excuses, of course. other people might need her. she might think im stupid. i dont want to trouble them anymore. i dont want leaders knowing that im this upset [bc they obviously couldnt SEE me, right? ha]. well I kept feeling Him push and push and i refused and refused. and suddenly melissa walked up, put her arms around megs and I, and told us she felt God was really telling her to come pray with us. oh my gosh. i sobbed like no other. it made me feel so LOVED and CARED for. the fact that God was like ok, i know you cant come to me right now, so ill come to you. I could feel His arms wrap around me, and practically hear him whispering I love you in my ear.

amazing moment.
probably one of the best iv ever had


thank you to amazing leaders at CCC and StuCo and even my school and other churches that are available for Gods use. you have no idea the positive impact you are having on some people

i can never think of good subject lines. ever.

so im trying to make the best out of whats going on. something that would be really great, though, would be knowing why im grounded. but every time i ask my mom, she changes her reason
uuuurgh

but anyway...

i love justice. i do. i love working there. BUT. there are a lot of downsides. you dont have a set schedule. unless its the holiday season, hours are crap. and because im still a student i almost always have to close, and closing SUCKS. my favorite manager left. and as soon as the holidays are over, the manager who came back will be firing half the girls on staff. and since she doesnt know me, that will probably include me.

good news?

since it doesnt look like my mom is going to be letting me move out, i decided to do childcare at home. pays 8 bucks an hour, about 3 hours a day, 5 days a week. 15 hours a week is about how many hours im going to be getting a MONTH at justice [@&#*$%*@] thats about 120 a week, 240 a paycheck. thats way better than what im getting now, so im quitting justice. i was hesitant to do this bc i want to move out and dont want this holding me back. but if i move out, its just one way of showing my mom ill be sticking around. but it doesnt look like shes going to let me move out, so whatever...

Bs funeral was pretty. but hard to see... oh well. i miss her. im not happy about the fact that shes gone. who would be? whatever. it was good to go to church again, see everybody. always cheers me up. it was smart to go there after the funeral, i needed the comfort.


alsdfjalsdf. life. its crazy.
i cant wait for college.
165 days now? until i move out, that is. maybe 167. i cant remember.
whatever, close enough :]

Returning to the writing world...

I've been too caught up in everything going on to blog, and at first i didnt care, but i realize now its been like not journaling for weeks, and its really starting to take a toll. not only have i been grounded from the world, but i feel uncomfortable bc iv been dumping so much junk on brandie and tim and matt, so iv been keeping my mouth shut [well, slightly, at least]. so now i have all this built up emotion i havent even been able to get out in a JOURNAL. definitely not healthy. so here we go

of course i decide to start blogging again the day i realize iv been acting like a moron. tonight the msg was about hope. obviously, since i teach small group, i didnt hear the msg, but i was in the service when they played the last song, which was "song of hope". a lot of the lyrics are pretty much about hitting rock bottom and how things cant get worse, but not losing hope or faith in God. and i realize that iv totally been failing as a Christ follower the past 2 weeks. iv been miserable. and totally falling apart. and instead of clinging to God and my faith and having hope that he will pull me thru, i let the sorrow totally consume me. and now that iv kind of surfaced, i realize how dumb its been to kind of.. let myself drown.

im done feeling stupid and crying and feeling hopeless. im done. no, things at home are not going to change right now. no, there nothing i can do about it. yes, i can find the positives in all situations. yes, right now, this is where god wants me to be. and yes, thats for a reason.

stupid stupid stupid. im done. im done being such an idiot. i miss who i was 2 weeks ago. i always said i refused to let my mom change who i am. yet, iv let her do it. why?? because i was an idiot. and im done. im done letting her break my heart, put me in the worst mood ever. i shouldnt let anyone ever have that power. so im taking it back.

i have a purpose. i have so much going for me. i can still reach my goals even when she is trying to hold me back.

ahh ha!!! i feel so much better now. so much better

is it possible to remove tear ducts?

its funny. some days i long just to be able to lose it. sob like crazy, cry until i run dry. and then... theres the days it happens. and i wish i could build a dam, or clog it, or something.

i dont know what to do. i cant change this. i seriously think it cant get worse and then it does. i miss being optimistic. more than anything. i wish feeling HOPE.

empowered

i never thought i could love again
i never thought id let somebody else in





goodbye. thank you for screwing up my life
im ready to really let you go
i dont need you
this is a fact
i also dont need to keep letting you get to me
its not gonna help me
and your not worth my time



GOODBYE
GOODBYE. GOODBYE. GOODBYE.


i honestly feel better already
AH HA!
i can do this
i. can. do. this.


peace out, loser

dream so i dont forget it

with a bunch of other people
captured somewhere, we couldnt leave or do what we wanted or we would be physically punished
there was a guy who was in charge of everything
there was one point where we had to rip off the ears of the person by us, and we had to team up with someone of a different race. we were all black and white. and the person closest to me was chas howard, so i was supposed to rip his ears off. we all headed outside to do it, but i hid. from that point on, i kept my hair over my ears so he didnt know i still had mine


freakiest dream ever. i already forgot most of it, but my heart is STILL pounding, and i woke up over 30 minutes ago.

definitely one of the scariest dreams iv had. i could actually feel every emotion i had in the dream, and the other people's emotions in the dreams around me.

matt

i miss you matt. idk what it is lately, but i cant stop thinking about the fact that your gone.

meg talked about you in a video at church a few weeks ago. just hearing your name makes me cry. i miss you like crazy.
yesterday i went with her to get her tattoo. your dates on it. i told her it would mean a lot to you, bc i know it does. when i got home i cried for hours.


i cant believe your gone. sometimes i get so mad at myself for not realizing you werent happy. maybe i could have done something. maybe someone could. anyone. why didnt you just tell us? why couldnt we help you? why did you just have to leave? you werent supposed to die yet. we all loved you. so many people loved you. your friends, family. people who had just met you. your so amazing. i just dont understand how you could do this.

i always felt so guilty. like i failed you. but you failed me. you failed all of us. you just left, you didnt even warn us. we all loved you so much. why wasnt it enough? why werent we good enough?

i miss you. i dont care about any of that. i dont. i miss you so much matty. i need you. you always brightened up my days, no matter what. why did you have to leave?

one more day. i would ask for just one more day. just to hug you and tell you how much i love you and everyone else and how much you mean to me, and how you improved my life by leaps and bounds. just one more day. gosh i would be happy with just an hour. i just miss you so much. i need you. i need you here. i cant remember your laugh anymore. i cant remember it and i need it and i need you and i hate this. i hate this. i hate that you left. i almost wish i could hate you for it. maybe this would be easier. so much easier.


death sucks. i hate it. i HATE it. why do people have to get taken away? why the BEST people? lisas grandma, matt, christian, david, aaron. its not fair.

i also hate missing people. i hate having to go through your day like normal when theyr not there anymore. its NOT normal, its not the same. and it wont ever be again. it cant be. and i hate having to pretend like it is. its stupid and its fake and i want to go back to how it was.

damn it matt. damn it.
i cant bear this. i miss you so much. so frickin much

not what i expected

im a hot, crying, sticky mess.



I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I haven't felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
Are lyin' on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me



that stupid song.
was the song i listened to constantly when jared and i first broke up
uuugh
i cant believe im blogging about this. over a year and a half later, close to 2 years.
why cant i just forget about him?


stupid stupid stupid.
i dont regret it. i cant. its pointless anyway, i cant change it
i just feel like... something is hanging, like the door is cracked
and i have to shut the door before i can move on to the next one

what do you do if your not sure how to shut the door?

flyleaf

Telling about Layla's story spoken
'Bout how all her bones are broken
Hammers fall on all the pieces
Two months in the cover creases

Fully alive
More than most
Ready to smile and love life
Fully alive though she knows
How to believe in futures

All my complaints shrink to nothing
I'm ashamed of all my somethings
She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered





these lyrics have just got me thinking a lot lately...

no one cares to talk about it, talk about it

paramore. i love that band. paramore and flyleaf. 2 bands i could listen to non stop for DAYS and wouldnt get sick of them. And david crowder band. Music. I love music.

You know, its funny. Last night, my mom told me to go to bed early cause I have been having wicked migraines, so I was in my room by 9 pm last night. I laid on my bed and was like ohh, I want to read my bible. Right now im reading through the entire bible again, trying to really get stuff to stick, and kind of relearning a lot of the stuff I was taught when I was younger. I don’t want to miss anything. So I started reading and before I knew it over an hour and a half had passed. And it kind of makes me think. I hear people [mostly teenagers] constantly say they couldn’t live without music. They are constantly listening to it, love listening to it, etc. and that’s pretty much how I am with the bible. Im addicted. I love reading it, it totally consumes me and all of my attention, and I could read it nonstop for hours.

Music is a lot of peoples anti-drug. The bible is mine. I wasn’t always like that. As kids my mom always taught us to read our bibles, and I always did, but through junior high and freshman year I definitely went through a point where the bible was the most boring thing EVER. Its cool for me to see how much God has grown in me, and see how much I truly love listening to what he has to say. Definitely makes me feel a little better about myself. And it also helps me when im feeling down, and not really confident in myself, to see that, yes, I have grown. No matter how much my mother or old friends say I haven’t, I know I have. And that’s proof right there.



so this morning i did even MORE research on spring arbor, considering they're the only school so far iv gotten accepted into [hopefully north park and hope will send me a letter soon!!!] and its making me realize how close this change actually is. i mean, im going to be leaving for college next august. and its already november. 9 months. i only have 9 months. And I feel like I have so much still to do in this small amount of time.

I honestly thought this year was going to CRAWL. I was already looking forward to graduating last spring, and time was barely moving. And now that im actually facing graduation, I feel like its speeding right at me. the fact that im already a fourth through this year blows my mind. I feel like we started school last week! I still haven’t got over my summer high; how can I already be a quarter way through the school year?? Its crazy. Part of me is calmly moving forward as my future flies at my face, but part of me is desperately grasping everything I have, trying to get a hold on everything that is in my life right now.

Im not totally positive why im so freaked about losing everything. I mean, its not like CCC is going to burn up and disappear while im away. I could come back and visit as much as I want [depending on where I go, that is]. No matter what, after I graduate college, I can always come home, back to my church and continue attending. Its not like oh, you graduated, your done with stuco, your done with this church. I KNOW its not like that. Yet part of me is TOTALLY against going far enough to not be able to attend services on a regular basis.

I guess that kind of has to do with spiritual growth, and spiritual independence. I know that if I went without my church my relationship with Christ would not disintegrate. But maybe its just time to test that, see if I can keep improving and stay strong in my walk with God. I guess I know I can. I do, I know that I could survive without my church. But I don’t want to even have to TRY that. I would much rather have my church than go without it. Its my home, the people are my family. its my safe place. And im not ready to lose my safe place.

You know, speaking of music [way earlier, at least], its really hitting home lately. Iv always been a huge music person, but the past year I kind of went through a separation with it [lol, like it’s a person or something]. I kind of lost the passion, didn’t care as much. But very recently, songs with lyrics that totally apply to me have been popping up like crazy and making me think. Weird how that works.

Oh and you know what I noticed last night? Jacob was the first person to ever tithe. Jacob, Isaacs son. I think. Now I can’t remember whose son he was. But it’s the Jacob from genesis. Just funny, I never thought about tithing starting at one point. Its just one of those things I just thought always existed. Although we know communion started with the disciples.. whatever. Just a cool fact :]

One step at a time

hurry up, and wait
so close, but so far away
every thing, that you ever dreamed of
close enough for you to taste
but you just cant touch


its so how i feel right now. its all so here, so close... yet so so far away, like ill never get a hold on it
i feel like that about multiple things. my life being 100% dedicated to Christ. college. relationship with my dad, fixing things with my mom, a CAR. everything.


there are [of course] some positives. like always :]
i got rehired at justice. i worked there for a year, took a 2 month break, and will be starting again on monday. definitely a plus. i loved that job!
i also got my first acceptance letter today to spring arbor university. very exciting! it is in michigan, which feels a little too far from me, but its 1 of my top 3 schools. #3, to be exact. im still waiting to hear back from hope college and north park university, which is my #1 choice. if i get into north park, im going there no matter what. its in downtown chicago, so getting home will not be difficult. which is good.

its funny. when i say home, im not talking about the house i live in. im talking about my church.
i still havent decided if thats good or bad. but thats my family. its who i love to be with, and hopefully i have a future job there. fingers crossed. i know that if i am led to another church its God's plan, but i really feel like CCC is where i belong. maybe not montgomery campus, but A campus. well see, i have a few more years before i have to worry about that.

so next thursday, early in the morning, im heading out to spring arbor for 2 days. they have their senior expedition, where we go thursday, eat dinner and see a concert and stay in the dorms with some college students. the next morning we go to chapel, tour the campus, meet with a professor that teaches our major, and get to ask whatever questions we like. ill be back late friday night. and im super excited! ill be taking the train, and right now it looks like ill be going by myself, unless sarah can join me. of all people shes definitely the one i want to join me. it would be crazy fun!!

finished the apprentice book that carter, eric, and nick wrote. it was definitely helpful for me, because i obviously need to know what leaders look for in an apprentice bc i eventually will be one. interning is kind of the first step to that, apprenticeship follows it. and someday im sure ill be apprenticing people, too. it was helpful. i really love reading books about ministry. im definitely a self learner, like with reading and researching. and of course, going through it is good :]


well, back to the real world.
waiting for my last 2 college letters, so i can make some final decisions.
im way too anxious to wait any longer. i should find out this month, either way.
but the fact i might have to wait 4 more weeks is killin me. i definitely do NOT have the patience for that... oh well.

stupid future

college decisions. are definitely one of the hardest i have EVER made.

i mean, depending on what college i go to depends on the people ill meet. and the education ill get. and how much ill be involved at home and my home church.

i guess what i really wish is that i knew what was going to happen after i graduate. i wish i KNEW i had a set job at CCC and i wouldnt have to stress about it. but nobody gets off THAT easy. its just... the whole not knowing, not being in complete control. extremely stressful. and i dont enjoy that.


its dumb. i can either stay super close and go to waubonsee for 2 years, going farther with the internship/apprenticeship. or i can go to hope, which is my #1 4-year school, but its also in michigan. i could take the train and come back every weekend, or maybe even try to schedule it so i dont have a class on a wednesday. but really, how well is that going to work out?


im not ready to leave my church. im not ready to leave my church family. in any way. stuco, weekend services, volunteering every which way. im not ready to graduate from that. im just not. im more freaked about that than leaving school, school friends, and even my immediate family. i know my immediate family will be here when i get back. i dont really care so much about school and those friends; if they are real friends, we'll keep in touch. i just... dont want to miss opportunities in my church. and that family is my REAL family. theyr what have kept me going, helped me fight through all of this. and i dont want to miss a second. and i feel like not only am i going to miss a second, but 4 years worth. like its just going to completely disappear.

my next step? talking to allison. im sure she could explain how it really is.
hopefully it isnt really like i imagine it would be.

good enough

here i am, attempting to throw together a 3 page biography about a composer i had never heard of before thats due tomorrow night.

what is WRONG with me??

i used to be an over-achiever. i would do work right away, projects weeks ahead of time. and now i wait until the last minute, usually turning in something that isnt even half of what i could really do. so why do i do it? excellent question.

some people worry that i am too focused on other things, like my internship, for example. well, im not giving up my homework/study time to do intern work. yes, i am at church 2 or 3 days a week. but 2 of those 3 days are weekend days, not week days, when i actually have homework.

goodness knows its not boys. i have to say iv done a pretty good job staying far away from that species.


im sitting here working and i hear some girls talking about a project they are working on. the girl is asking her friend if the page is acceptable. she kept asking "does it need details? is it eye catching?" finally the girl ends with "good enough" and went to go grab her project from the printer.

its ridiculous how much iv been saying "good enough". why am i ok with that? why am i ok with just meeting the bare minimum, when i know i can do so much more?

im sick of just being acceptable. im sick of doing things that are just "ok". im ready to step up and have everything i do be spectacular, superior, top notch. im sick of everything just being good enough. i dont want to be known for the student that was good enough, whos work was good enough, whos brain/acting/singing/personality was good enough. frankly i dont care what im known for at all. but the fact is, i was blessed with talents and intelligence. i was blessed with these thigns so i could use them to glorify God. thats what i live for, its who i am. here i am, ok with doing things that are just "good enough". i was created to be so much more than that.

so what do i do to change it? what do i do to improve when im not really sure whats holding me back in the first place?

hmm. i guess first step to that is obsessive amounts of prayer.

now back to my essay.

happy birthday anaka

last night i came home from homecoming and the ONLY thing i wanted was to be able to talk to my sister. i miss her like crazy. i hate that i cant sit up with her until all hours of the night talking about boys and school and dances and the future and every other topic we could ever think of. i miss those crazy nights we got out the karaoke machine and blasted old 80s and sang until our voices were squeaking. i miss our ridiculous photo shoots where we would change into billions of outfits and do our makeup all different ways and take hundreds of pictures. i miss being able to test out hairstyles on her, and getting all fancy for events and dancing like total dorks. i just miss her. i miss her so much. shes my baby sister, she was my best friend. and its not fair. the fact that i did nothing wrong and i lost her like this... it breaks my heart. i want her back. i hate that she wont talk to me, like i wronged her. i hate how shes built it up in her head that im her worst enemy when i love her more than any of her friends or her step family or anyone else.

todays anakes 15 birthday. and i cant even wish her a happy birthday. because she refuses to talk to me. its totally killing me. i remember we used to have so much fun on her birthday. if she had parties, i was always invited. she loved having me there and she thought it was so cool and i got along with her friends and led them in games and took pictures and made her cake and stuff. and my favorite thing in the entire world was buying her presents. i mean she was my baby sister. and my only sister. i remember for her 13 birthday i got her things that all had to do with 13. iv had her 15th birthday gift planned out since she turned 12. i was going to get her 15 items that would help her through high school. but like girly stuff; make up, straightener, purses, etc. i was soooo psyched about that. iv slowly been buying things and adding it to the stash. and here it is, the big 1-5, and i cant see her. i cant even give her her gift bc she doesnt WANT it.


i want my sister back. i hate this. i hate what shes become. i just want her back.

Inspirational quotes/verses that I love

A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes.
- Hugh Downs

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.
- Proverbs 15:1

Amateurs wait for inspiration. The rest of us just get up and go to work.
- Chuck Close

And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

Be kind to one another, because most of us are fighting a hard battle.
- Ian McLaren

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
- John Wooden

Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
- Marilyn Vos Savant

Comedy is tragedy plus time.
- Carol Burnett

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
- Ambrose Redmoon

Do not let what you can't do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden

Do not wait; the time will never be "just right". Start where you stand, and work with whatever tools you may have at your command, and better tools will be found as you go along.
- Napoleon Hill

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Handling criticism: if it's untrue, disregard it. If it's unfair, keep from irritation. If it's ignorant, smile. If it's justified, learn from it.

Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.
- Victor Hugo

He who talks without thinking runs more risks than he who thinks without talking.

Hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone expects of you. Never excuse yourself.
- Henry Ward Beecher



i was thinking and praying hard last night and today. and i feel that even though i am kind of having to shut off from everything, it will be for my benefit. i think its more practice for me to just listen, and not speak. to think more before speaking, if i speak at all. things are frustrating, im hurt, yes. but everything happens for a reason. so i just need to fight through this, and find the lesson god is trying to help me learn. and i do that and keep my mouth shut, il be back at church and stuco next week. which i need desperately, so im kind of going silent the next few days. which im hoping is enough. im hoping my mom doesnt just have one of her rants and grounds me when iv done nothing, but well see.

pray for me

143.5

143.5 days left of high school
143.5






thats exciting :]

erin is gone

i have been completely emptied tonight. i no longer have the strength or the will power to fight my mother. im not winning, things are only getting worse. im pretty much shut off at this point, which has its positives and negatives. positives are, if im shut off, my emotions pretty much are too. which means i wont fight my mom or get angry or make her want to extend my punishment, so i should be back in stuco by next week. negatives are that mine and my moms relationship improving in anyway is pretty much not going to happen. at least until i get... well, for lack of a better term, "turned back on".

i told my mom im done taking on her responsibilities. im done being the mother to my brothers because for one it is too much for me to handle. and its also ruining my relationship with them. and its not worth it. so im done. and i told her i wasnt doing it anymore and she of course denied i ever had to. so i walked out. and im sure shell see the change. im not going to give them ANY kind of instruction. im done. im done parenting for her. homework, chores, bed time, punishments, etc. im done. and shes going to feel this load as soon as shes home for more than an hour or two. maybe she just needs to use her head and realize everything iv been doing for her. im sick of her. im sick of this. im sick of living here.

i have 7 months and 2 weeks until i turn 18. my goal is to have the money to get my own place. if i dont have it then, i will have a car, and if i have to move in with someone else [last resort, my father] until i can get the money to move on my own, i will. im going to try and find a responsible friend who is also going to waubonsee, and maybe we can rent together. but im not going to rent with someone who will not pay and screw ME over. so well see how that goes. i graduate the week after that anyway, so getting to school wont be a problem anymore

7 months and 2 weeks. im dead set on this. 18. freedom. finally. i cant be here anymore. i wont let her ruin me. i absolutely refuse. iv improved so much and gotten so far. im not going to let her put me back where i was. theres no way. iv worked too hard, changed too much. im not going to let her ruin that.

waitin on the world to change...

as im going through this intership one of my main goals is to be a christ follower in all aspects of my life. school, church, youth group, home, etc. you would think it would be easy to do in church and youth group, but its actually some work, and something i am still working on. im trying to be the best person i can be as well as the best example. in stuco, iv already made the changes i felt very strongly about. most of that was the reason i was going to stuco in the first place. for a lot of people its kind of like a social club. it was for me last year. now i go to stuco more as a leader, not so much as a student. but i know i need to pay attention, and be an example for all the other students im with. i no longer go to hang out with friends; i go to hear the message and make stuco a more welcoming place for new and even some old students. if i had continued to go for my own reasons, stuco would continue to be a hang out with my own little "clique", which shrinks the experience i can get from it. changing from the small focus to the big focus has helped me get so much more out of this already-awesome youth group. i feel myself growing as a student and a leader, and definitely in positive ways.

i also wanted to grow within my church more. help more, volunteer more, attend more, etc. i started going to all 3 church services, and i love it. yes, church is what i would say my "real home" is. its been like that for a long time. i know about a year and a half ago when my mom and i fought really bad, instead of walking to a friends i walked however many miles it was to my church, just to sit and pray in the sanctuary. i feel God there more than anywhere, and i feel safe. its like my shelter. i teach the small group saturday night [when we have students] help out sunday mornings and attend the services. most of the time i go to service saturday night because we rarely have students. but i decided taht on sundays during the 11 o clock when all my peers/friends show up i should go to the service, and that should be my priority. those friends dont all know if iv attended the night before, or the service before. so sitting outside during service is setting an example for him that we dont need to hear the message, even though most of the time it is a huge help to me.

in school, its been pretty easy to take on my "christ-like personality". i remember last year if someone heard i was going to be a youth pastor [which rarely happened] they would be like what no way, really?? that upset me. a lot. the fact that they couldnt see me as a pastor or had no idea i was a christ follower at all was NOT cool. its funny how much of a change there was this year. and i noticed it wasnt because of word of mouth. it was my personality that made people realize there was something else. iv been praying for that and hoping i could become that kind of disciple for Christ for a long, long time. I reach out to others; school is no longer about seeing my friends or hanging out with the people iv always hung out with. i dont hang out with any of teh same people. my circle of friends has grown tremendously just from reaching out to people i wouldnt usually talk to. and beacuse of that, people have seen a difference. i refuse to walk into school with anything less than a smile on my face, no matter how upset i am [thanks for that lesson, barsch]. iv been able to witness to people and be a light to people going through tough situations. this is what iv always wanted. sometimes, since backing away from the people who arent the greatest friends, its been hard, and sometimes even lonely. but its soo worth it, i wouldnt have it any other way.

it seems now that the only place im continuing to struggle with being christ like is in my own house. i want to set a good example for my little brothers, and have done a pretty good job doing that for chandler. my mother is always shooting darts about how i dont act like a christ follower and how i shouldnt be in leadership cause im so horrible. that always makes me so angry bc iv seen such a huge and positive change, and have had it pointed out to me many times, and it seems my mother is the only person who cant see it. im not completely sure if maybe its bc she jsut doesnt see it or bc i dont act different at home. i think its part of both. i know my attitude has changed. i know im way more helpful, and most of the time without a word from my mother. i just do it, because i know its right. i think now bc of how much negative has gone away, the few negatives that occur are way more obvious and seem so much worse. but i hate that my mom never recognizes the positive, always ripping on me. its making me more of a negative person. when she yells at me or blows up, i respond the wrong way because im so frusturated that its all i ever get from her.

so whats next? how can i take a next step at home to then be 100% the christ follower i want to be? why is home the place i keep on and keep on making mistakes? its frusturating. im ready to have it stop completely. i refreshed, i changed how i am, my bad habits. so why cant my mom do the same?

College

is too stressful. im thinking im going to just drop out of high school, become a plumber








ok im not that dumb
but sometimes, i wish life was that easy

applied to my top 4 colleges today
hope to hear back within this month
and ill keep you all posted



if i dont get accepted, my life is pretty much pointless and wasted and... nothing
i know, im optomistic :]

What do you do when

your best friend is jealous of the relationship you have with your youth pastor? when you were able to move on from a wound, but she wasnt? what do you do when you want to help your best friend but know that she is just being overly sensitive and taking non-personal things to heart? what do you say when you know the person hasnt put enough effort in, and thats why her relationship isnt as far as your own? what do you do when your best friend is angry and tells you and is frusturated with you, and you look at the situation and know its your best friends fault?



i have no idea what to say right now. im not going to agree and insult him when he hasnt done anything wrong. just because im close with him doesnt mean hes done all the work to get there. iv done a lot of it. it was me stepping up in the first place taht has got us to where we are. so how do i tel her she hasnt worked hard enough for it? its not something you just get handed? how do you nicely tell her hes not the same guy? how do you tell her she needs to mature some more, or move on, maybe put some effort in and shell get it in return?

my best friend is extremely sensitive. she can be downright cruel, and you can say a little insult and be grudged for weeks. no matter what i say, shell take it the wrong way. no matter what i do, shell take it the wrong way. so i dont know what to do. but she expects something.





crap. tim wasnt kidding. EVERYTHING is happening at the SAME FREAKING TIME.
whats next?

i feel so much better just TYPING this

so i started writing my 10 things i needed to tell people [i saw other people doing it, and it was making them feel better, so i figured i would try it] and i realized that posting that for the world to see would be idiotic and imature. not that everyone else doing it was... but i was really letting out personal stuff. and seeing that, i didnt realize i had so MUCH that i needed to get out. and i ended up having quite a lot. so instead of posting that in my PUBLIC [facebook, myspace] blog, i figured i would post it here. i know someday ill want to read it again, look back, maybe to see if i ever had the guts to say it to their faces. i already have a feeling a few of these will be said tho.





10. please stop saying you love me and i mean so much to you. i dont mean anything to you. all i am is an ear for you to brag on, and a shoulder for you to lean on. its irritating. maybe you could find something else to talk about? because talking about her literally everyday text after text, aim convo after aim convo is getting old. extremely fast.

9. your hilarious. i dont tell you enough how awesome you are, and that your one of my heros. i know youv been through so much yet you still believe in God and dedicate your whole life to him. you make me laugh until im crying and sore on a regular basis. it really is your spiritual gift :]

8. i think its funny how when you do things you look at me out of the corner of your eye to see my reaction. i think its funny how when im around you you try to act like you dont notice me or that i dont exist. please. your wasting your energy. but at the same time, i feel bad for you. because once i was able to completely move on, i can see that you havent. you replace the girls/best friends in your life with an exact replica. i used to wonder who i, myself, replaced. now that i see who replaced me, i could really care less.

7. you are such a great guy. i truly believe that if we fight this out long enough well be rewarded in the end. and as tough as this gets, sometimes not being able to talk to you for days, not being able to see you for weeks... i know in the end itll be worth it, especially if we can stick it out and really truly be friends for life. you are so awesome. i love you. i care about you so much. dont ever think thats not true because it is. and dont fight for your "spot". you dont need to. you will always have one, right here in my heart. always.


6. crap. i think, just maybe, my feelings are changing. im taking a step back. i hope you dont take it the wrong way, but having these kinds of emotions for you is just too dangerous. i dont want to risk it. our friendship is worth more than that. your awesome. i dont want to lose you.

5. sometimes i just want to hug you and never let go. but i cant. and im not sure why. i cant really hug you at all, somethings holding me back. and im not sure what. maybe someday ill figure it out... but for now, thank you. theres no words to express how you being there for me and challenging me and loving me has improved who i am. remember how we were talking about the huge change you saw in me at the end of the summer? yeah, thats all thanks to you.

4. i laugh so hard, listening to you talk about your "boyfriend" and your "lead role" and all your "amazing things". seriously, it makes me laugh. because you have all this surface level stuff, and you think your so cool. but in reality, you have nothing. i should probably feel bad about that. i used to. i used to sympathize, try to help you out. your too stubborn tho, you think your too good for anything. i got what i got, and i moved on, there was a reason for it. but remember hunny, that happened to you too. so stop trying to make me feel so horrible about it; im ok now! your the only one still swimming in your sorry sorrow

3. your such a chicken. wev been flirting for what, 4 years? you call all the time, we make plans, do dinner. and your still not man enough to ask me to a dance? come ON. your awesome tho, really. even tho u still hold a grudge against me for slamming your head with a locker. i swear it was an accident. i swear.

2. stay away from him. we both know waht he wants, hes only going to hurt you. nad open up. hiding your feelings, bottling everything up is only going to hurt you in the long run. im here for you. take advantage of that.

1. i was hesitant to say this earlier today. youll know who you are as soon as you read this, though really there's no point because soon ill be saying this to your face. im tired. just... tired. im tired of fighting fighting fighting for you. wev been friends for so long. sooo stinking long. and i love that. we have millions of awesome memories together. millions. you blame our fall out on me. i know its not my fault. i refuse to take all of the blame for it. i absolutely refuse. not because im stubborn or immature, but because i know it is as much your fault as it is mine. im sick of you making me feel like im the bad guy, like i have to do all this work to "earn you" back. i always thought it would be worth it, even tho i wasnt in the wrong like you made me feel like i was. even tho it was me giving giving giving and never getting anything in return. i would be with other people and you would say you needed me and i would be there in a second, without a breath in between. simply because you needed me. your never here for me tho, because you dont care. you dont feel like you need to, you dont feel like its your job. relationships are 2 way streets. im not going to let you take and take and take until im empty. and your already doing that. you act all nice to me but then you put up notes talking about how oh well you screwed up and its nice that we talk but dont want anything more than that cause its all its going to be. well im done. im done being here for you to talk to and having you be like haha tahts all you get. like im oh so graced with your conversation? no. you left me. for a guy. you did. you act like im so horrible when you did the same thing. i guess you could say its karma, huh? itll end up for you just like it did for me. it already is. so bear yourself for it, you know how hard it was for me. itll be interesting to see how you handle it. so im backing up. im not going to cut you off, hate you, be like omg shes such a horrible person. no. because i dont feel like that. i feel like you are an immature girl who cares about nothing but herself and what she wants. and honestly, tahts expected of us teenagers. but now that iv grown up, thats not the type of person i want to be best friends with. we can be on nice terms, we can even talk. but im not here for yo uanymore; you can count that gone. your no longer a main priority; your no longer a priority at all. your just there, in the distance, in the shadow. just like all the other "friends" who were in it for themselves, all the other "friends" i gave up on...

As rissa would say... me mo me mo me

I have been fine living in denial of this, avoiding the worst possible circumstances. Now that it may be life threatening and symptoms are getting worse, im getting irritated. i dont see why i cant just go on like i have been, ignoring and sucking it up. ok i do see why, but i dont want to. i find it really unfair.

as matt is saying, maybe im the virgin erin. sadly that is the more positive of the 2 outcomes i have to chose from.




this sucks.

Pondering

I am trying to decide what, exactly, I want to happen in my internship with Tim. I know for a fact I want to do a lot more. a LOT more. My little leading on Saturday nights and talking to a few parents and getting to know some students feels like nothing. I want to have TONS of stuff to do. I want to be involved to the point where I can't get involved anymore without going crazy. Though there's nothing wrong about being a little crazy ;]

I want to REALLY lead a small group. I've thoroughly enjoyed leading Saturday nights, but rarely having students is a little frustrating. I want to lead a small group that actually has STUDENTS in it. like at camp. that was a good experience for me, and definitely a learning one. and I also learned a lot at KSU. i feel like im ready to actually be able to run a group of students. probably not a huge one [dont want to dive in head first]. But whoever they need a leader for, im in. thats something I will probably do after i graduate from high school right away anyway, so I need some more practice. and its a big part of going into ministry.

i also want to get more in leadership team wise. its like what tim told me today. I am extremely excited to have my own "team" now. Obviously I have to find the people and get stuff organized, but I am so excited for the challenge. Talking people into things and getting people to join stuff with me isnt difficult, so im thinking it will be pretty easy. but keeping a schedule, making sure we always have enough people, and thinking of good ideas for welcome will be a challenge. and im so excited for it! I love helping out, but the easy jobs iv been getting are, well, a little too easy.

i want to be challenged more. i want tim to push me to the point where im actually having to spend time on stuff, maybe even sweat a bit. i LOVE challenges. i LOVE difficult situations, because i know no matter what there is a way. as much as it doesnt seem like it, i love having to FIND the answers. im not one who likes having them given to me. yes, i could use some help or advice, but I would rather work for it. i just want more to do, more things that arent simple or like little nothings that take about a minute. the challenge tim gave me tonight about finding a certain way to welcome for each series is something thats going to take a little more deep thought. and im GLAD. i WANT a challenge. so im extremely excited about this. [thats also why i love my yearbook class so much. tons of deadlines, tons of big projects, having to find people in less than 24 hours, etc. and i TOTALLY thrive that way]

i work best under pressure. i guess im just ready for some pressure. i guess its just the challenge thing. i want to be challenged in projects, doing certain things for students, idk, anything. any kind of challenges would do.

definitely one of the biggest things i wanted was to get a real responsibility. and the welcoming team is exactly that. so goal #1 has officially been achieved; getting the opportunity to get a team together. now i just have to find my team...


oh man, i love stuco. i love tim. i love ministry. i love all of this. my future is so stinking exciting. this year is going to be amazing, i can feel it. im so blessed to have such amazing people to lead me and work with. soo stinking blessed.

Eye opener

I woke up this morning and picked up the newspaper [yes I actually read it!] and the very first thing that caught me eye; "A better world within our reach?"

I went on to read about McCain and the changes he wants and I was quite pleased with a lot of things he said. But the heading is still the thing that stood out the most to me. A better world within our reach? I was thinking about it, and I realize WHY it's a question, but frankly I don't think it should be. It's not a question; it's a fact. A better world IS IN our reach. All we have to do is help some change. I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase "if you want to change the world start with yourself" and really that's what we need to do. We all look forward to a new president that will help improve the world, but what about what we can do? It's not like we're helpless. And there's so much we CAN do. So why don't we?

Last night at church we had church 2.0 and we got to look at goals and campuses and just overall achievements, and it was so inspiring for me. I'm already extremely involved in stuco, but i could do so much more. For example, triple threat. I have wanted to get involved with that since day 1, and for some reason, i just never have. I don't even have an excuse, i just havent done it. well its time to change THAT, for one thing. But theres so much i can do not only within my church but in my school and my community. and I want to do it. I really feel God moving in me to reach out more to people around me, not only the kids that go or i invite to stuco.

time to step up, eh?

what do you do

when you suddenly get depressed, and cant put your finger on exactly why?




hmm. and i thought i was doing so well... ?
im not sure what happened
i didnt lose any faith, i dont think i lost hope
just really suddenly... i dont feel happy all the time. i dont feel like myself.


crap. stupid stupid stupid....

Opportunity

I was extremely excited the second i found out Tim was taking over shorewood as well. All of my camp girls go to that campus, and ill have even more of an excuse to see them now. it also means tim doesnt have to leave us. at ciy, i was scared crapless, for lack of better word, that we were going to lose him. he started acting funny, and i was sure that God had maybe moved him to go somewhere else, and knowing that it would be the right thing to do I assumed Tim would agree and move on. and i didnt want him to. so knowing we get to keep him at our campus AND another campus is getting blessed with him is pretty ridiculously awesome.

note about the God moving thing before I go on... i've learned so much about that. I was so mad when Nick left, and i did forgive him, but not because i finally understood. i forgave him because i knew it was right. but God was the one who told Nick to move up, he didnt just up and leave to hurt all of his students. he was doing what God told him to do. and seeing tim do that with his job, and now justin, too, my eyes have finally been opened. i felt moved by God to go into youth ministry, which is why im where im at now. so what if i had been like "no way, God, because if i do im going to hurt these people because im not going to become a doctor like they always wanted me to". ok no, its not the same situation, but a close enough example. well, i would never do that. i wouldnt say no to God, especially after that where i personally felt him talking to ME. because i love God and hes what i live for, so i automatically was like im on it and dived head first right in. so why do i expect other people to say no to God if even i cant? i truly get it now. i really do. even if tim felt in the middle of this year god was moving him to leave, i would be ok with it. i would miss him terribly, but i wouldnt be angry or bitter. because this is GOD were talking about here, not like, some boss or the government.

but anyway, back on track.

i was excited about this not only for tim, but for me. its my camp girls, and ill have even more of a reason to see them way more often. but seeing this whole transition, i didnt think about how PAINFUL it would be for the girls. i know they all think tim is super cool, and i think tim is freaking fantastic, so i didnt even think about the negative aspect. i got texts from a bunch of my girls this morning, but one in particular. and she was describing how she feels, what shes going through, and it was like a smack in the face; my camp girls who i love are going through the pain that i went through when nick left us. and at first i was like omg no. no no no. but then i realized that i get it now.

im not mad at justin because hes hurting them, bc i know why hes doing it. and given, im quite a few years older and a lot more mature than most of those girls and i cant make them understand it like i do. but i can be there. i can actually help them through this because I went through it myself! and i GET it. i know how it feels i understand the situation. not only is tim getting an awesome opportunity, but with his opportunity im getting one. im getting LOTS. to be a friend and a leader to all my girls who are struggling with this, who need someone who understands and will be there for them. in a way im getting a small shot at being a miniature youth pastor. in a small kind of way. and its SWEET. its exciting. extremely exciting. this is what im passionate about. THIS is why i so badly want to be a youth pastor. i want to help other teens through exactly what i had to go through. through all of it. and this is part of it.

just had to share that. its weird... kind of saying im excited about their pain... thats not what i mean, but it seems like it. its just the opportunities that comes along with life. things get tough, but no matter what, God is behind it.


:]

Oh the wise leaders of my time

I was talking to Tim and he said something that really stuck about the whole J and L situation.

"If you are getting close enough that it would bother her, then it's too close."

AAAH, SO TRUE!!! what a perfect way to put it. if i am letting him past my boundaries to a point where it would make his current best friend worried, i have gone way too far. so thats my goal. to keep him at arms length [but in the emotional sense].
funny. because as much as it seems like i think about him a lot, he is rarely on my mind. when i think about certain things that he is linked to, yes he pops in. but in general, i barely ever do. which is awesome.

his ex sits next to me in lunch. today she brought him up with something we both noticed [he puts ice in his milk] and i could tell she was still super bitter. i was able to be like oh ya that and not a negative emotion past through me. tho one of our friends freaked and tried to change the subject, i was like what, wahts wrong? i was informed later it was bc of the other ex's reaction, and they wer worried i was just hiding it well.

dude, i didnt evn hav to put effort into not feeling pain. it didnt touch me. bc i dont care. i dont want him. i dont want 2 b with him. i dont want OR need him in my life.

how amazing is that? there was a point where i never thought i would be able to say that. man have i grown up, haha.


i must say im proud of myself. i was so careful with boundaries that even as i feel that i am losing mitchel bc of his mother, im not going through excruciating pain like always. oh tim would be proud :]

also when tim pointed out the whole intense thing, especially recently, i took some huge steps back and was like WHOA. everyone FREEZE. everyone is now held back a lot farther than they were. why let them stay where they are just to potentially get too close and hurt myself or make some stupid mistake? and i feel really good about it. its like an orbit kind of thing, with all different rings. [it was, but im changing it.]

the middle [first] ring is my best friend megan friel. lisa weber will always be one of my best friends, too, so shes on there. the next ring are my biggest role models and leaders and people i look up to; tim, rissa, and shawn hunt. floss isnt far behind, wev had some good conversations, even with him only being here a few months.

the next ring are the other people i talk to and hang out with a lot. matt, mitch, rachael harv, sarah swed, kaitlyn, kylee

the NEXT ring are people i LIKE to hang out and talk to, but arent as good friends with. ethan, billy, puchi, mac, leann, jenna, gaby, garret, alex, katlynn, nerinin, nicky, etc. [none of these are in any specific order]


i feel the ring idea is a bad idea. i mean, in general, its a good idea. BUT. why let certain people be more important than others? no, thats not how i want to phrase it. i guess im saying that i shouldnt let other people get too close, even if their the top ring.

no thats not right either.

whatever, ill sleep on it, phrase it right.


everyone should be in one safe bubble. at a safe distance, but not so far i cant reach them.
thats kind of what i mean. i just want to be careful. and now that my eyes have been opened it feels really EASY to be careful. because i know whats the WISE thing to do [ya stuco! i learn stuff! lol]


i love growing up dude. i cant wait to be out of high school and be done completely being a dumb teenager so i can REALLY grow up :]

Just a little spring cleaning

I'm taking a break from the never-ending job of organizing and cleaning my room to my own perfection [oh how I love having OCD] to think a little bit about my past.

I went back and read my blog from last year, and it irritated me beyond belief. I was informed that people were finding that blog instead of my real one [this one] and that bugged me. Because I am completely different, and frankly, I don't like who I was then. Over dramatic [though I do still slip, I must confess], immature, hurting... I just didn't like it, at all. A guy had way too much power over me. Seeing that now is sickening. The fact that I ever LET a guy have that much power is pretty pathetic. Let ANYONE have that power. Nobody but Christ should be able to control me and my moods and me emotions and my actions. No way.

But no worries! I figured out how to delete the blog. It's a nice feeling. I've wanted to get him and everything that happened as out of my life as I could. I had healed, gotten rid of everything he had given me, all reminders. Part of me thought maybe I should keep the journals, maybe I would want to look back at them. But as I think about it, those journals definitely weren't helping me move on.

Ta da! Last one is gone.
Nice feeling.
Just like cleaning out my room.
Which is going very well.

I finally [after a month of being in my own room] brought up my dresser. Yes, I have been going weeks without a dresser. No worries, my floor has done an excellent job.

When I brought up the dresser I was forced to move my book shelf to a different part of my room to fit my dresser. I cleaned off all of my brothers' books [it was their old room] and put them in our library and moved the book shelf. And then I realized I could put MY books on the shelf! [I know, I'm brilliant] I found all my books and stacked it up, covering almost 3 shelves, which is a lot. Now that I have all my books together, I am SO ready to start reading through all of them. Most of them I have gotten all the way through, but there are quite a few I bought or picked out of my mom's library that I have not gotten to. Books about religion, youth ministry, Christianity, helping with the bible, counseling others, and of course the dozens of book by Sarah Dessen, Stephenie Meyer, Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Weiner that I have grown to love on my own.

Something most people don't know about me: I am the biggest book worm known to man kind. People never guess that because I am extremely social and outgoing, but I look to books for everything. Advice, knowledge, an escape, anything. Usually I'm very pleased with what I find. And I am extremely excited to get back to reading as much as I did, now that my social life will die down a bit with school starting.


But for now, back to the room.
Now that I have books and CDs out of the way, on to clothes.
This should be fun.

My Burden

im angry. so im going to focus on my really good morning. and if i dont feel better after talking about that, i will rant about why im angry. anybody who reads this, im sure, is now excited


KSU was awesome. i really liked it, and i got a lot out of it. i didnt really know what i was getting into when i went, so i guess how much i got out of it was surprising. i think thats bad...
anyway

the first class i went to was the teaching small groups 101 class. since i teach a small group, obviously i thought this would be helpful to me as a leader. i had no idea it would help me as a student, too.

while we were sitting there and tim was talking about all the different types of students [chatty kathy, shy sally, insensitive bully, etc] megan and i were jokingly putting down what names we thought that applied to in our personal small group. and then it hit me.

im SICK of ANY of us fitting in those categories. i mean, theres megan and i who are obviously chatty kathy. we have our insensitive people, our tangent starters, and our shy sallys too. and that irritates me. i mean, we are there to learn. to actually get somewhere. when i first got into stuco, my small group was the place i dumped my SOUL. seriously. that first group we had knows more about me than anybody else. as we get closer, you would expect us to be able to tell even more, talk even deeper. but its exactly the opposite. the closer we got, the more immature we got. our group turned into a huge joke. i mean, thats good, in some ways. my best friends are in that group, and we laugh so hard we cry pretty much every wednesday night. but its like tim said today. theres relational, and theres spiritual. and because of our immaturity, we never talk spiritual in group. ok, not never. but rarely. if i ever want to talk spiritual, i talk to megan or charissa OUTSIDE of small group. or mitch and tim. but isnt that what small group is supposed to be for?

i cant blame our small group on any specific person, because as megan and i talked about we all have our part in it. but megan and i are ready to grow up. so is everyone else? i feel really... guilty. i mean i look back and we were acting as bad as my junior high small group, if not WORSE. thats pathetic. and i have no respect for a single one of us acting like that. and i feel horrible to CHARISSA. shes tried so so hard. and has done an amazing job. and shes sticking out a whole nother year just for me and megan. so were gonna make it worth her stay. i just really hope the other girls are willing to step up and grow up too, or theres going to be some conflict.



while tim and i were talking yesterday, i realized a lot. not only that hes right, i have matured a LOT, but also, he was right about my relationships. when he was first talking about it, of course my stubborn butt was pushing back, wanting to deny everything he was saying. after thinking about it last night, i realized he was exactly right. he explained that he felt i got too intense with certain people in particular, and would focus my whole being on that one person, so if something went wrong, it would emotionally destroy me. and hes totally right. iv been way better about that since jared, but iv still done it. mike, for example. really, i cant think of anyone else. but im sure there are some.

i connect quickly with people, so people very quickly take on my "best friend" role. when in reality, they are just someone i connect with, and are a good friend, maybe someone i can trust. but best friend? ya right. it takes months for people to take that role, if not years. that has been megans job for over 2 years now. and lisa for 7 years before that. i mean, hello?!! YEARS, for both of them. other people have come along and wev been super close, but that doesnt replace these people. you can have awesome, AWESOME friends that last 3 months. you can have awesome friends that last 3 weeks. but it takes TIME for someone to become your BEST friend. and the fact i get so intense and am like omggg bffl is just stupid and immature. and dangerous. i am risking serious emotional pain to put so much trust in people that are, well, strangers, in a way.

of course, i was speaking to someone about that today and she was like well, what about mitch? and i do believe that mitch, in a way, is an exception to that. in a way. being still the first few months of our friendship and after talking to tim, i still want to be super cautious. but mitch and i started on a very cautious level anyway, because of the fact that we are both leaders at stuco. we walked right into this determined not to date or like each other, and always be careful with boundaries. and oh man, not to brag, but we RULE at that. i have never had a friend i was so close to that it was so easy to have good boundaries with. usually boundaries are out the window, and i dive head in and suddenly this kid i met 4 months ago is the guy i would take a bullet for. hold up. slow down. and this time, i actually listened. to God, to Tim, and even to mitch and myself. and its WORKED. so... effortlessly. well, not effortlessly. its taken some work, obviously, thats a given. but not much. and im really proud of that. im proud of myself. for FINALLY [for ONCE] setting good, safe, healthy boundries. and sticking to them. for over 3 months. for listening to tim and shawn, the people i went to for advice if i ever felt even the teeniest bit unstable. and for listening to God. by taking this friendship step by step, and seriously, i couldnt be happier. mitch is an awesome guy. definitely one of the best [spiritually, personality wise, etc] guys i have ever, EVER had as a friend. actually, hes not one of the best. he has beat out every other guy friend without even trying. a lot of it is probably because we started our relationship completely focused on Christ, and hes a believer, and thats a huge deal. and because of how... GRATEFUL i am to have him in my life, its been so easy for me to be careful with boundaries and not get too intense and screw it up for myself.

now, i just have to learn to be able to do this with all of my relationships

as tim pointed out, i have a lot of positive characteristics of a minister. but my huge flaw is this. if i focus so hard on certain people relationally, i will never be a good youth pastor. so obviously, i need to work on that. starting now.

sitting in KSU today, watching all of our leaders shake their butts and look like total dorks on stage... my heart SWELLED for each and every one of them. i LOVE stuco, and kids city, and adult small groups, and worship leaders, and just CCC as a whole. since i started coming over 2 years ago this church has totally captured my heart. and in some way, maybe i can stretch my intense look at relationships to include everyone within CCC. well not everyone, obviously that is a big number of people, a lot of them being people i dont know. but to stretch my.. limits. bubble. whatever you want to call it. i kind of relate it to bella from twilight [of course, lol] and how, in breaking dawn, her power is a shield. and with her mind she can "stretch" her "shield" [kind of her invisible bubble] out to more than just herself, or one other person. but it takes a lot of effort to stretch her shield. and i kind of feel thats what it is with me. i have this bubble, this SHIELD, and its easy for me to wrap it around myself, wrap it around one other person, and focus directly on that. but what God really wants me to do is to stretch my shield and reach out to others. many, many others. maybe not many others RIGHT NOW, but in the future. near future. yes itll take a lot of effort, a lot of strength, a lot of hard work. but i feel like thats what i should do. thats what i NEED to do.

if i could stretch my "shield" out to more people, i could positively affect way more people than i am now. i have like my, oh, 6 closest friends. stretching my shield wouldnt only positively affect the new people i can stretch to. it would positively affect me and the 6 closest friends i am already impacting. because the impact i already have will have healthier boundaries, i will be more careful with boundaries for myself, and i will stretch the love and compassion i have burning from Christ inside of me out to other people who need it as much as I have the past few years. just the thought of that is... exciting. its like a whole new torch is lit inside of me, a whole new goal, a whole new challenge, a whole new mission.

almost like this is my burden. to reach all those people out there who have been in my shoes. or in worse. or in way worse. or maybe, in even comfier shoes. anybody who needs an ear, a heart, a hand. to kind of be "Jesus" for junior high and high school students that need it.

hey. thats really cool. i just figured out my burden. seriously, blogging has been such a hit lately!



and oooh, politics.
Morgan sure taught me a lot tonight
Nice to have older, wiser, college friends. haha. always can lend a helping hand :]
I feel like my IQ just went up a thousand points. seriously.



oh and last comment.
shawn williams talked about how his burden is to help students have a servant heart. and i realized that is also one of my goals, to have a heart completely devoted to serving. most of my heart is already there. my life is extremely committed to Christ Himself, and within church, i want to serve as much as i possibly can. i just have to polish up my home servant heart, and im all set. and im happy about that. another sign i have picked up that shows how much i have matured. i love being able to see that MYSELF, ha.

Comforter, Healer, My Reedemer

the only one who took you in
the only who held your hand, defended you against the others...


so, last night. i havent really let myself think about it, so i guess now is my chance to think it all through. i just went back and read through our whole online conversation. though it was nothing compared to the conversation we had after that on the phone.

i dont get it. i dont get why some of this stuff happens.

part of me is shrinking back from replaying it all. i love my life. and iv done a great job avoiding or getting rid of all negative parts of it. or fixing it really fast, so its only like a slight burn when the pain hits. and i kind of did that with mike, but it wasnt as easy.


when everything happened with jared, i was in the most excruciating pain i had ever been in. and it lasted for months. i honestly thought i would never feel pain as deep and scarring as that ever again.
i was such an idiot.
it was proven last night that that statement is very untrue. oh, ill feel it again. and ill feel it a lot. and it will get worse, considering the situations.

last night i got a hot flash of what i went through with jared. the pain absolutely felt like it was eating me from the inside out. the second book in the twilight series, New Moon, has a huge section where it is kind of expressing Bella's grief in whatever ways it could. It talked a lot about how Bella would wrap her arms around herself, almost as if she was holding herself together so she wouldnt fall apart. I always felt that it was an over dramatization, but then it happened to me. i found myself curled up in a ball, crying hot tears and choking out sobs, praying that my heart would in some way, some day, heal. that happened mostly after jared and i completely stopped talking. i felt so alone, so betrayed, so ridiculously empty. i cried myself to sleep every night for MONTHS. thankfully God stepped in and helped my heal and move on, and here I am a year later, easily able to talk about it, without a speck of pain touching me.

but then mike.

part of me thinks maybe i shouldnt have let him back in, and this could have been avoided. but i know everything happens for a reason, so i just need to wait it out. but so far i havent seen the reason. actually. it just dawned on me.

during the 3 years that mike and i stopped talking, between 8th grade and now, i felt like i had screwed up. i took 100% blame for him leaving, and i missed him like crazy. i was okay, and it wasnt like i was dying without him. but it pained me to see him super close to other people. when he came back, i was so, so excited. like omg, mike missed me, and he loves me, and he cares, and he came back. i devoted the last 2 months to being there for him absolutely every second he needed me. i lost so much sleep, and then started taking his troubles on me. when we got in that fight last night, i saw a side of mike i had never seen before. his REAL side. and it made me realize that I hadnt been the one who screwed up. i was the best friend i could be, loyal to the end, would have given up everything in a split second. he was the one making the mistakes.

as much as it hurts to say this, mike was using me. it wasnt me he needed or loved. i mean ya, i was a great friend, but thats all he wanted. it didnt matter that it was ME being the great friend. he just needed someone to be a great friend. even last night. we got in that huge, screaming fight. we said awful things back and forth for an hour online, and then an hour on the phone [which i shouldnt have answered], he started trying to ask my advice.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!! He sat there, knowing he was totally breaking my heart. he KNEW it. we were on the phone, and its not like he couldnt hear me crying or my voice shaking. it was obvious. he had wounded me so deeply, bc i had believed he was one of my best friends. towards the end of the conversation, it suddenly switched. nothing he was saying made any sense as to why him and i werent talking. i was like mike, i dont get it. i dont understand. what does that have to do with you leaving? and he would be like well... what would you do with this? and that? this person is hurting me... im so lost, maybe ill quit this, maybe ill leave that... i was absolutely shocked. i was pretty much consumed by hysterical laughter at that point, and he obviously thought i was going crazy. but by the time i was able to speak i was screaming at him, hard core. how could he DARE to sit here and use me for advice while i cried because of the pain he was causing me.

his excuse? "you always said you would be there for me, no matter what. after i left in 8th grade i came back and you were there for me, so why not now?"

that time it took a lot longer to control my laughing spasms. i mean honestly? wow. you use me. i point it out. you make me cry. you know it. and your STILL gonna use me??

i pretty much laid down the law right then. no more, i was done. i wasnt going to let him back in for the 3rd time only to let him leave with another chunk of my heart. he got pissed, embarrassed, offended... frankly i dont care how he felt. i kept laughing at him to the point where he got frustrated, said some more hateful things, and we said goodbye.

just like those many months with jared, i went to sleep last night trying to hold myself together. definitely the hardest iv cried in quite a while.

i totally got side tracked. my epiphany. so i just realized why this happened.
when he left, i was hurt, and i missed him [when he left the first time]
and now, i dont have to be upset anymore.
i wont feel guitly, gosh, i wont even MISS him.
and you know why?
because i know who he really is now. i always thought i knew, but i was always wrong. now i know, and i dont have to hurt over it anymore.

so in a small way, that pain was Gods blessing so i wouldnt have to feel that pain for the rest of my life.


i always knew there was a point to my blogging. yes i ramble. and talk to myself like a complete idiot. and replay the stories and memories from in my head so i can read them over and try to better understand. but because of my blogging, i just realized why this all happened. which is just one more way to help me get over it faster.

college college college

this is the best way I have to keep track off all my college research. so here it goes :]


All the schools that offer a degree in theology, and a major in youth ministry:


Trinity Christian College - about an hour away
tuition for one year - 10,000. plus room and board, about 15,000 yearly


Olivet Nazarene University - about an hour away
cost for one year - 30,000 [ouch, but good scholarships offered]


North Park University - about an hour, could take the train
cost for one year - 25,000


Moody Bible Institute - about an hour, could take the train
cost for one year - 25,000


Lincoln Christian College - about 2 1/2 hours
cost for one year - about 18,000


At this point, my top choices: Olivet and Trinity. Good schools, and not too far. LCC is my 3rd choice. Trinity and Lincoln aren't too pricey, but Olivet does offer a lot of scholarships that I could earn. With Jordan having gone to Olivet and loving it, it definitely seems more... attractive, in a sense. And I've heard nothing but good things about Trinity and Lincoln as well.

Now, it's just time to apply. and hopefully get some darn good scholarships.

Judas

The only one who took you in
The only one who held your hand
Defended you against the others
Had your back on everything
Never let you down
You turned around betrayed your only brother

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?

I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget meCouldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me

I will never be like you
I'll never do the things you do
Selfish and lonely, what's your problem
Letting go of you and this
Is harder than I thought but I will not be poisoned by your actions

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?

I didn't know, I didn't know
I couldn't see, I couldn't see
Never thought you'd forget me
Couldn't believe, couldn't believe
How you deceived, you deceived
I never thought you'd do that to me

Forgetting me, you took things in your hands and left me out
After we'd been through so much, how could you let me down?
Down, you let me down




Its kind of funny. almost like im going through the stages of grief. denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance. its ridiculous. i thought you only went through the stages when it was something really huge, like death. i guess it just depends on whats huge to YOU.

at first i made excuses for him. not only to my mom, or my other friends. but to myself. i didnt want to destroy his oh so perfect image. its exactly what i did with jared. for years. i think thats the only reason i caught myself; i related him to jared. and as soon as that happened, the alarms went crazy. if my mind related him to jared... i needed to get out and STAY out. then i got angry. how could he hurt me? how could he leave when i gave EVERYTHING for him? i was there for him 24/7, i was the most loyal friend he had EVER had. i took way too much crap. gave up way too much. and then i bargained it. well, maybe if i just get over it and not say anything, we can still be friends. ill just pretend he did nothing so i can still have him in my life. then depression. iv been crying myself to sleep for the past few nights because of him. it just hurt. deep down. so now do i get to accept it and move on? i feel like im still in the depression stage. is that usually the longest? i remember with jared, even after the depression, i kept going backwards. instead of accepting it, i would get angry again. i would even revert back to denial. i was all over the place. only recently did i really accept that. so is that how its gonna be now? i mean this is a total different situation. for one im not in love with him. and technicalyl we werent friends for as long as jared and i were. our relationship was totally different. but he was one of my closest friends, so i guess that stands for something.

i feel so stupid even talking about it. i feel like i should just wipe my shoulders off and keep on truckin it. its dumb that im letting it get to me so much. im trying not to. but its not really something i can help. i think after last night ill be fine. i cried pretty hard, but i prayed even harder. i know God let this happen for a reason. He wouldnt let some jerk walk in my life and then back out for nothing. i know theres a reason. i just wish i could FIND it.



stupid blog. all i do is ramble.
i guess im glad nobody reads it. i would probably lose all my friends.


:]

And I have realized...

the last 24 hours have been... a lot. great... yet horrible... i didnt know a few hours could hold that many ups and downs. i went through like a months worth of emotions in one night and morning. crazy.

i was so excited to have mike home. SO excited. i missed him so much, and i couldnt wait to talk to him. he calls, and right from the start, he was straight up RUDE to me. rude. and hes never rude. so that immediately set off the warning lights. and then he gots a call on the other line, and switches over, and i sit on hold for freaking 20 minutes before i was like screw this. i waited another 20 minutes or so and called him back, and he was all like "oh im so sorry, this friend called, and we hvnt talked in forever..." really? umm. well. i hadnt talked to him in over 12 days. so doesnt the fact that we were talking matter? apparently not. he hangs up saying hell call me right back, and calls me back after a few minutes, saying she had to go. i blew it off, forgot about it, and kept talking. he kept telling me stories about his cruise, and then 5 minutes after he told me something, he would admit he made it up. what? really? i didnt get why he felt like he had to keep lying about. i mean he told me the truth anyway, so what was the point in doing it in the first place? that irritated me, the fact that he kept lying. little unimportant lies, yeah, but if your willing to lie about that how do i know your not lying about big important stuff?

2 hours pass, and he gets a call on the other line. and, once again, i wait for a while, and he doesnt switch over. this time im angry. deep down offended and pissed off. i hang up, and wait 30 minutes, still without a call back. of course my mind is scrambling to come up with some excuse for my precious mike, so his oh so awesome image doesnt get wounded. im thinking, well, maybe there was an emergency. i wait a little longer, and then my mind has talked me into believing something bad has happened, and i get worried, and i call him back. no answer. no answer. no answer. im finally so angry i could scream, i turn off my phone, and go to bed.


this morning i woke up super early, picked up sarah, and went to shorewood to see courtney get baptized.

baptism. i LOVE baptism. i love baptism like some people love weddings. i love seeing them, being there, even hearing about them gets me all worked up. the whole idea of it is so exciting. everytime i see it i remember how i felt when i was baptized, and all those amazing memories come flooding back. i get chills every time i see people get baptized. most of the time, i cry. happy tears of course. because it just touches my heart. it is so exciting for me to see people want to give their lives completely to the Lord, and do it in such a public way. and especially when those people are people i love and care about. today i got to see Courtney [one of my camp girls] get baptized by Stephanie [her best friend and another camp girl], and emilee got baptized as well. it was super cool. and i had chills for like 30 minutes afterwards. i really felt God there and it was super powerful and i was so, so happy for my girls. its such a huge step and im so excited they wanted to take that step in their faith. so that was my awesome morning.

i then went back to my campus, talked to tim and shannon and sarah. still no call from mike. got to talk to a lot of people, see my friends, good, as always. left, went to lunch with sarah, caught up so more. still no call from mike.

after i dropped off sarah, i was riding along when my cell rang. i answered, not knowing the number. and, of course, its my ex boyfriend tim. crap. seriously, every time i think hes stopped wasting his time trying to win me over, he comes trotting back in. so im like great. awesome. life is good. i hate guys.

i get back home and still no call from mike. and now here i am, blogging. tim leisten [the ex] and i talked for about 10 minutes. and i was like uugh. please. stop. just stop. if u cant just be my friend just stop trying to be anything.


i just dont get... life. i mean wait. i do. thers just stuff that drives me nuts. like mike, for example.
as mitch and mitch only knows... iv been worried. freaking out, more of. because i know mike is going to leave again, eventually. its just... how things are, i guess. we didnt talk for 3 years. he came back. but i dont think it was really because he missed ME. he just needed someone LIKE me. hes always talking about how he has no one else to talk to and no one understands like i do and no one is there for him like i am... so am i being used? either way, we started talking non stop and i got attached again. i love mike. i did then and i do now. so of course iwas ecstatic when he came back. i didnt care why or for how long. i was just glad he did. we seperated, me going to camp and him on his cruise, and i missed him like crazy the whole time. but then... he got home. and it wasnt the kind of homecoming i wanted. it was the opposite. and everything suddenly hit me.

i was talking to mitch about this friday night, too. i really need to distance myself, so im not so attached. and i was like no way! i love talking to mike for hours and hours on end, every single day. but its so unhealthy. and after last night... i dont want to talk to him at all. im hurt. im offended im angry. i mean really, am i being used? am i just in his life cause he needs someone to pour all his junk on? am i not okay with that? i want to be there for him because i love him. but in the end, relationships cant be a 1 way street. whether they are friendships, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, whatever. it has to be a 2 way street. and i thought it was. he says he loves me. he says he cares and that he missed me. but... how do i know hes just trying to keep me around? i dont want to stick around. im not ok with getting emotionally involved in him only to have him feel all dandy and find a replacement and walk away from me. and after last night... i feel like maybe he even did that while we were apart. because if he needed me, he would have known to call by now. because at this point, he is so off my buddy list its not even funny [how i thought that in my mind reminded me of raad...hahahaha]

it was weird. last night, when it first happened, i felt disappointed. as the night stretched on it almost became numb to me. like it all clicked into place. he doesnt want ME. he wants SOMEBODY. somebody to be there for HIM. help HIM. listen to HIM. he doesnt care about me or love me. he cares about the person and loves the person who is always just an ear. he doesnt need ME, and i definitely dont need him. and so when he was so rude to me, it didnt even hurt. it did when it first happened, but after just a little while, it didnt. because i realized i didnt even care.

sad, how that all works out. someone who i thought was one of my best friends, suddenly totally taken off the charts.

its good to have real friends like megan and mitch and sarah and tim raad. people who show that they love ME and care about ME. people who go out of their way to be there for ME. people who i can be there for and love and care about and take care of, who would do the same when i need it. real friends who help me realize who the fake ones are, so i can get them out before it gets too painful...