This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon,
it rolls in from the sea

My voice; a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light,
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love

They say that things just cannot grow
beneath the winter snow,
or so I have been told.

They say were buried far,
just like a distant star
I simply cannot hold.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms.

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum

I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

This is my winter song.
December never felt so wrong,
cause youre not where you belong;
inside my arms.

This is my winter song to you.
The storm is coming soon
it rolls in from the sea.

My love a beacon in the night.
My words will be your light
to carry you to me.

Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?
Is love alive?

Sunrise

It's hard to begin to act and think differently when it is something you have done your entire life. For me, I had to DO things to make people accept me and for people to love me. I was always a DOING person, always trying to please everyone else. If someone didn't talk to me as much or treated me differently it was because there was a relational problem. Back then, there was no communication when something was wrong. We would just stop talking to each other, act passive aggressive until something would explode.

Sometimes it is really hard to tell if what is going on is conflict, or just life. I don't know if people aren't communicating, or if there is simply nothing to communicate.


I want my life to be different. I'm not okay with this. I don't know if the circumstances are going to change so it is up to me. Now I just have to figure out HOW to make it different.

I could definitely use a positive change. A sunrise on an otherwise gloomy morning. Could use that pretty badly right now

Jar of Hearts

I can't believe I went almost 2 months without writing at all. I'm hoping if I begin blogging my thoughts again, the nightmares will begin to fade and I'll be able to sleep.

I'm not even sure where to start. I feel like I have such a ridiculous amount of words built up inside, and if I start to let it drip its gonna flood.

I feel like lately I am getting so many lessons on relationships. and I'm not sure any of them are good ones. I'm not perfect at them, at all. Actually, I'm pretty darn bad at them. But I'm trying so hard, I really am. Right now I'm just struggling to see WHY I'm trying so hard.

I think my biggest motivation is fixing my relationships and my problems so that I can be a good youth pastor. I don't want teenagers to have to go through what I did alone. I'm so afraid I'll try and do ministry and something about ME is going to get in the way of helping someone else. It hurts my heart just to THINK about that situation. I just want to help people. Maybe because I know I need the help so badly, and it makes me want to help others even more.

When I feel worn out, I just turn to other people who are struggling and focus on them. I'm worried I'm continually shoving myself aside, over and over. The healthier erin is screaming and fighting, and the old erin just shoves her back and keeps going.

Why is it that when people finally acknowledge my feelings I blow it off so they stop? Stupid. And I complain about people not listening to me or understanding. I won't LET them.

I'm sick of messing up. I'm sick of feeling like I am doing something wrong all the time. I just need to be loved right now. I just don't know what to do right now.



Did I make a mistake?

Dodgeball

I feel like the stereotypical nerd in elementary school during recess. I am standing, minding my own business, and suddenly a ball flies and hits me square in the face, and I fall to me knees. I jump back up, shake it off, smile like everything's fine, and next thing I know another ball hits me, "wham!" and I'm down on the ground again. I get up, this time a little more hesitant, but yet again, "whomp!" and I'm in the dirt. I always felt bad for that kid in the movies, or TV shows. He had so many enemies, and they all beat up on him. I never realized I would be in a similar circumstance, but instead, my friends are the ones chucking the dodge balls.

How many hits can someone take? I feel like I take a handful, and I am feeling overwhelmed. I forgive, I move on, I decide that it's not worth holding a grudge or even keeping any of the hurt feelings. I start over, feeling like I am refreshed and able to take on the world. A handful of hits later, I am in a worse place than I was the last time. Each time I stand back up and brush myself off, I've left a little bit of patience on the ground, a little bit of my confidence. Every time I get myself back up, I find it harder to stay up, and even harder to stand up yet another time.

I'm at a loss for words. I just feel completely... worn out. I have found myself at this point repeatedly over the semester. People take and take and take and I just don't feel like I have anything left of me to have taken. I just want to cry. I just want to yell at everyone who keeps hurting me, but I don't even know if I have the energy for that.

I just want people to care. I'm a human being. Yeah, I probably have way too many emotions and feelings. Yeah, sometimes I blow things out of proportion. Yeah, sometimes I take things too personally. But all I want is to be cared about. Is that really too much to ask?

If I could not fail

I took the IMPACT challenge of doing a dare every day for the next 50 days. Yesterday, we prayed for 15 minutes about God opening our hearts and minds and helping us grow. Today, we were asked this:

What dream would you run after if you knew failure was not an option?

I am going to attempt to blog for as many as these dares as possible. I think it is good for me to constantly be writing, I want to blog more, and I feel like these will bring on a lot of intriguing topics.

So for this one. It is taking a lot of thinking. The first thing that comes to mind is hurting girls. But what should I do for them? What would be right? How would I know I'm not crossing lines, or making the wrong decision? I guess asking these questions is defeating the purpose of the dare, so I guess I'll just jump in.

I would want a group that girls can come to. I would love to run a youth girls center, where girls can come for things all the way from temporary counseling to long term housing. I want it to be a place where we equip girls with skills they can use; leadership, self defense, and an education. I want it to be a place where we help girls learn the values of themselves, and help them make wise decisions. It will be a place for healing, for girls who made the wrong decisions. Girls with broken families, girls with addictions that hurt themselves. Girls who have decided their life is no longer worth it. I would love to have a center that speaks against lies like this one, and help girls get back on their feet after continually being knocked down.

I have absolutely no idea what this would really look like. And I have no idea if I will ever do it. But it is something I would love to see happen.

Another dream I would do if it could not fail? Open an orphanage in a country where kids are living on the streets.

Beautiful

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything?

We only breathe for so long. So why do things that don't make us happy? Why deal with people who hurt us?

I've been told "it's not you" a million times. Oh, it's not me? Then why is it happening so much, by so many? Why do people's actions always say the opposite of what their speaking? You say I'm worth it and treat me like I'm trash. You say I'm like family and treat me like your enemy. How is it not me? Am I earning this? Did I do something? Am I stupid? Am I just so completely relationally screwed up that I can't figure it out?

I'm tired of being a flaw. I'm tired of being a mistake. I would love to just be something beautiful.

I think the worst feeling is continually being slapped in the face by people who say they love you. If you love me, wouldn't you want to support me? If you love me, wouldn't you want me around? If you love me, wouldn't I be a joy, and not a burden?

Whitewash

Before now, if you had asked me what my dream was, I would have asked you how many hours you had to spare. Today in church, we were told we can do it, we can make that dream come true. And I could not make one of my past dreams come to mind in the way they used to.

What does it mean when your passions fade? Or when you don't feel like there's this dozens of little goals you have that are driving you forward in your life?

I am not apathetic, nor do I not give a crud about God or His purpose for my life. I still feel like I have purpose. But it's different. Now, I feel like it's the purpose that God gives me for my life, what He brings into my life, what circumstances He puts me into. I no longer feel like it's me striving to achieve my dreams.

Is this bad? It feels pretty bad. The realization left me feeling pretty empty. How can a passionate person just lose their passion?

I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to get heated quickly, or fired up. That doesn't mean I no longer want to care about what I've always cared about.


I'm not really sure what's happening to me. I feel like someone has splashed a bucket of water on me, and my colors are slowly washing away. What an awful feeling.

Move along

I always have the ridiculous expectation and naive belief that every single one of my friendships are going to last for the rest of my life. I felt like that about my friends growing up, my friends in junior high, my friends in high school, and even my friends now, in college. I am the kind of person that will be loyal to you until the day I die. A friendship isn't just a nice label, to me it's a promise. A promise you will be there for the person as much as you can be. A promise you will try to make the person laugh, make the person smile. A promise to want happiness for the other person. A promise to communicate when things are going rough, and to apologize when you've hurt the other. A friendship is a promise to care, to defend you. Friendship to me isn't just something stupid. My friends are my family. My friends mean the world to me. Many times in my life I have had friends there for me when I didn't have family to turn to. I believe that loyalty is one of the most important parts of friendship, and that is something that is built into who I am.

I don't want to say [or admit, rather] that some of these expectations are too much. These are values I hold myself to, and I would hope people who call me their friend feel the same way. I don't expect the relationship to be perfect. I don't expect a perfectly smooth road, without bumps or detours along the way. I don't expect it to be painless, or easy. I know friendships take work. But I feel like they're worth it.

I guess the problem is that I hold this expectation to all of my friends. But not every friend is on the same level. I have my closest friends, my best friends. These are the friends I tell everything to, that know my past, that hold me accountable, that I talk to every single day and think about and pray for constantly. I have good friends, that I spend a little less time with, still tell a lot to, but maybe not my deepest stuff. I have friends that I just like to spend time with because they make me happy, or make me laugh. I have friends that are friends with my friends or my group, and we smile and talk and have a good time when we are together. And then I have friends that I hug and check in with every once in a while, and say a prayer for when they cross my mind. Friends aren't just all on the same field, it is very different.

The problem is, sometimes I expect a large number of my friends to be GOOD friends. I expect them to tell me lots, be there for me, understand, and last but certainly not least, stick around. Every time I have had a friendship fade away or just completely fail, I marked it as a huge mistake on me, and I struggle to let it go. I couldn't count on my fingers AND my toes how many people I miss and wish I had done things differently with. And how fair is that to me? Yes, I've made mistakes. But so have they. And you know what, maybe it didn't have to be a mistake. Maybe that just wasn't a friendship that was supposed to last.

It is so hard to say "maybe God didn't mean for that friendship to be forever." It is so hard to say that maybe a friend wasn't supposed to be my friend until we die. It is next to impossible for me to let people go. Maybe because they mean the world to me. Maybe because I have poured so much of myself into them. Maybe because I am scared if I let them go, others will leave. Scared that I will end up all alone with NO friends. But the fact is that people are going to come and go. And that is just something I have to accept. And not the kind of accept that means I'll just get over it and move on. The kind of accept that means I'll be able to look at the relationship and still smile. The kind of accept that means I am grateful for the friendship, whether it lasted as long as I expected it to or not.

Why NOT?

We are reading through the book "Where is God When it Hurts?" in my CORE200 class. I enjoyed the first 2 chapters, and I am looking forward to the last 18. We discussed it in class today, and heard a lot of things. For example, what is suffering, what is the purpose? I do believe that God uses suffering and pain to help us grow, and to teach us things. Not that He is the one who INFLICTS the pain, but He can always use it. We see suffering and pain as a disadvantage. God sees suffering and pain as opportunity.

Our prof told a story about a dean at the university who had cancer. As he was dying, people kept asking him, "do you ever ask God why?" This wise man's response was, "no, I find myself asking why NOT." I love that. Why not me? Why should someone else have to go through it? Why wouldn't I have to?

There is always someone richer than us, someone with more grief than us, worse off than us. We shouldn't compare ourselves to others, no, but we should be aware of situations around us. How blind and naive people so frequently become, believing they have the lowest of all situations, that nobody has it worse than we do. How wrong we are.

My prayer today, and for everyday in the future, is that my eyes will be opened wider, and that I will see that I suffer for Christ, and for growth. Praying that I will not be so close minded as to think that I have it worse than everybody, or ANYBODY else.

When I look at you

I hate when I have so much to say, and no words to use.

I don't appreciate life like I should. I get angry too easily, frustrated too easily, I want to give up too easily. I am blessed to even have these days. Why can't I live like that? Why is it so easy to be hurt, to be mad? Why isn't it easy to love unconditionally, always be forgiving, and keep a smile on my face?

I miss Amber Jean. It's been a little over a year and a half now. I still just can't understand why SHE had to die, of all people. That thought hurts more than anything. She appreciated life. She was happy. She loved, she forgave. Why was she the one who had to die, when she was the last one who deserved it?

I so often feel like the waves are crashing right on top of me. I've been running for years, pushing against it. I ran from family, from friends, from enemies, from situations, from hurt, from love, from protection, from help. I have been fighting everyone and everything for so long. I've been stubborn, hard headed, obnoxious, selfish, and independent, and not in the good way. I told myself that I could do everything by myself. After people hurt me, I said I was through, I didn't need anybody, I could do it on my own. But after years and years of pushing against the world with my own little hands... I realize I am completely wrong. I have never felt so worn out in my life. I feel like I could just collapse right now, let someone else do the pushing for me, do even the breathing for me. For once, I am actually willing to extend MY hand and ask for help.



when my world is falling apart
when theres no light to break up the dark
thats when I look at you
when the waves are flooding the shore
and I cant find my way home anymore
that's when I look at you

Drop out

College is such a great yet awful thing. I am so blessed to have the finances, the opportunity to go to school and learn. And I do love to learn. But I am so torn. Between being so far away, the hard and constant work, the unchanging life, and a community that knows nothing of diversity, I am just not lovin this. I love the people, the learning, the education. But I'm sick of people gasping at more than 3 black people gathered together, or when I talk to someone that isnt in my inner circle. This is not who I am. I love diversity, more than anything. I love people of all different colors, ages, cultures, countries, etc. I love people in general. And I just don't feel like I have the opportunity to live that out here.


On top of that? I am so tired of feeling like a disappointment. To others, to myself. I am ready to be somewhere I feel happy, and I feel like I am thriving.

It is shockingly hard to be content in a place you don't want to be.

College for dummies

I have days where I open up my book and read 20 pages, and close the book without knowing what in the heck I just read. I have days where I sit in class and listen to students debate for half an hour, and leave having no idea what they were talking about. I have days where I feel like college is way too difficult, classes too hard, essays too long, books hard to interpret. I have days where I just went to pack up my room, get in my car, and go home. I have days where I am willing to turn in my life to Meijer and be a cashier for 60 years just so I don't have to do this.

It is so hard to keep yourself from lowering your standards when you find yourself up until 4 in the morning multiple nights a week reading things you dont understand and writing papers that sound nothing like you. And often just to get a paper back and have 5 points taken off here, 3 points taken off there, 4 on that mistake. I feel like I pour my freakin soul into my work, only to get told its not good enough, only average.

Who in the world invented college? I love to learn, but I really don't like to feel like an idiot.

You're beautiful

Funny how life works. Get closer to God, lose people that I love. [Not because of getting closer to God.] I am lucky that my relationship with my heavenly Father was strengthened before the loss because I'm not sure how I would have held up. This is hard enough.

I'm trying to see everything as a lesson or a way that God is helping me grow. I feel like it is helping me get through things in a healthier way than I would have otherwise. But sometimes I just sit and cry and wonder why in the world it has to happen like it is.

sometimes, I think that the hard times are over. since I'm going to school to be a ministry major and use all my PAST hurts to help those who are struggling, I just figure it must go up from here. now is the time for HEALING and growth, and being able to move past all of it. sadly, i get a rude awakening on a horribly regular basis. life is not going to get easier. I pray and hope I will get better at handling the things thrown at me, but even if I do, things won't STOP getting thrown at me. I will always have burdens, always have walls to climb over, obstacles set in my path. but I am not doing this alone. I am blessed with a Savior who walks through my daily life with me, holding my hand and whispering in my ear that He loves me. I may not be able to do this, but with Him on my side, I can absolutely do anything.

relationships just aren't easy. it takes a constant renewal of my strength to wake up every day and interact with people again. I've been so hurt, so betrayed. sometimes I really have to wonder if this is worth it. every single person i have known has hurt me. people i trusted so incredibly much. people i opened up my heart to, people i let in to my deepest inner self. I'm so tired of trusting that people are going to be different just to get my heart ripped out.


I can't wait to be done with this earth. with its pains, its difficulties. I cant wait for the days I can just be with my Lord, and just feel His constant love in every way. I am so grateful to have my heavenly Father. what would I do without Him, honestly?



now You are sitting on Your heavenly thrown, soon You will be coming home... You're beautiful <3

Sophomore Year

How crazy to be back here at Spring Arbor. Definitely not what I saw coming. It is weird being away from home when I wasn't expecting to be. But I'm not even sure if I'm sad or not. I have days where I get really homesick, but it never lasts very long. I wish I could talk to people from home more, but I'm slowly getting used to having to miss it. I love being with my friends again here. But at the same time, that doesnt feel right either. I don't feel like I belong here, not 100%. Same at home. Last year I didn't feel like I was right at school or at home. This year I feel ... 75% right at both places. But not completely.

I am so sick of feeling like I am the one chasing everybody else. My friends here, my friends at home, family, etc. For once, I would LOVE to be the one being chased. I want my friends to reach out to ME to make plans. I would love people at home to text ME first.

People say how much they love me and how they love being my friend and having me in their life... yet... nobody will reach out first. It's like I made it this ridiculous expectation that I would do the majority or at least start the work in my relationships. and now it's been months or years and now they all think I'll be the one to do the work, and they don't do it first.

I guess I'm just getting frustrated and I am not feeling very worthwhile or important. Not a fun feeling.

Dad?

I have decided that there is no better time than now to get back into blogging. I am struggling to ever verbalize my feelings, so I'm going to start writing them out again. Usually does wonders.

I am not sure why everything this summer has made me think so much about the fact that I am a daughter. I think it has mostly made me think of how much I want a DADDY.

Sometime in the last year, I was talking to someone about my junior high choir director and how much he meant to me, and the person I was talking to made a comment about how I've had a lot of father figures in my life. At first, I felt guilty. I was embaressed and ashamed by this comment, and felt that multiple father figures shouldn't have been the case. I later realized that this situation was in no way a fault of mine.

It is hard to know what we should and should not expect out of people. My real father? I can't say I expect much. If he expects me to act like a daughter, I expect him to act like a father. Check up on me, care if I'm alive, maybe even help with some expenses. I have suffered through many weekends and mid-week visits, and never were those for my benefit. I believed in return I deserved to at least be loved, and when I didn't feel that, I gave nothing.

The father figure I have now suggested I read a book that I am assuming he felt would help me respect him more, and know HOW to respect him. But it is doing more than just that.

Unconditional love is something I desire from those that I love. But do I give it? On the opposite hand of that is unconditional respect. The phrase makes me sigh out of frustration, just imagining all the effort that would have to go into that. But when I think about it, it is absolutely something I need to work on. The people that I love, shouldn't I always respect them? I may not always love something someone does or says, but do I still love the person? Absolutely. In the same way, I may not always respect something someone does or says, but do I still respect the person? I absolutely should.

I am struggling with loving people unconditionally. Loving people who get on my nerves, or that I disagree with, or really just don't like. Jesus loves them past their flaws. Jesus loves ME past my flaws. Why should I not do the same? And with loving people unconditionally, I should be respecting them unconditionally. Every person deserves love. And along with that, every person deserves respect.

Of course my writing rambles seem to have gone off topic, but they are closely linked. I have always wanted my dad to love me for me. But the fact is, I really never respected him. I want the one I call dad NOW to love me, but I have gone down the path of treating him in disrespectful ways as well. Pattern? Maybe.

I have had lots of father figures. My older brothers, my junior high choir teacher, my high school volleyball coach, my high school choir director... I could even name a few more. All that I have listed are no longer father figures to me. Either I no longer am in contact with them, they had children of their own, they dropped the ball, etc. There are tons of excuses they could give. I have had lots of people walk out on me. So here I am with someone who loves me like his own daugther, and has yet to walk out on me, even after big mistakes. So what am I doing disrespecting him, or really doing anything that may jeapordize the opportunity I have to be mentored by him? If I so badly want to be loved, I need to make sure I am not only loving but respecting in return.

I am a blessed young lady. I hope I never forget that, not even for a moment.

Round 2

Round 2. The second time. Repeat. It's hard to know what to do. You would think since I have been in this place before I would be more knowledgable, but that's not the case.

This past winter was the 3 year mark of when I was baptized and gave my life to Christ. This past spring was the 3 year marker to when absolutely everything was ripped from my life. This summer is 3 years since I decided ministry would be what I would live for. This past month is when I felt that spring 3 years ago happening all over again. But this time, it hurt even worse.

Back then, I think I knew. I knew I wasn't living for the right reasons. I knew that all of my focus being on Jared would end up hurting me. Back then, I think I knew. But now?

I have never been so shocked in my life. I have never been so caught off guard, so thrown off, so surprised. I don't know which is worse, knowing it was coming or having absolutely no idea. But I do know that when what happens is mostly your fault, the pain is much worse.

I have way too many things to process right now. Between New Orleans and Haiti, I was already overwhelmed. And now all of this. Who am I, really? Who am I as a leader? Where is my heart? What are my intentions? What is God going to do with my life? What should I be doing? Who should I be? What should I be striving for? Is this yet another mistake that is going to make me who I am, and change how people see me? Could all of this have been avoided? When will it stop hurting? Will I ever feel better about it? Is it possible for tear ducts to be overused? HOW DO I FIX THIS?

I am the classic people pleaser. I do nice things to make people happy. I try to go above and beyond to get approval. I try to make everybody like me. And when they don't... it hurts. I act like I don't care what people think about me when it is exactly the opposite. And I shouldn't care about what other people think. Or should I?

I feel like everything I've known has been stripped from me. I feel like I have no idea what's going on or what's right. I feel out of control, like I can't do anything about it. I feel broken, all over again. I have realized that dreams I had will go unachieved, and goals will not be reached. I am just unbelievably sad. I am sad things had to happen like this. I am sad it wasn't stopped. I was sad I didn't realize it. And I am sad because I don't know where to go from here, and part of me just wants to stop TRYING to go.

I've been working so hard to become the person God wanted me to be, and to be better, and to show Christ to people. And I screwed up. I was trying SO. HARD. Unbelievable amounts of effort just to have everything blow up in my face? And I didn't even get better. Obviously everything was just as bad. So is it worth it? Am I just supposed to keep trying knowing that last time I didn't improve at all?

I have no idea where to go from here. I wish I had an answer. I wish I didn't feel so utterly alone, and I wish I had a clue.

Haiti

I have no idea how to start this. I don't know what to say. It has only been about a day [not even], so I feel like that is a good excuse. But I can't figure out how I feel. I am struggling to even really talk about the trip, besides more of the surface level things.

What is Love?

I feel like this question has come up for me many, many times these past few weeks, and really, the past 6 or 7 years of my life; what is love?

I believe there are different kinds of love, different types and amounts of love. I also believe there are different ways to love.

I have been challenged with many relationships lately. Many that are still going completely fine, but have had me thinking about how they are REALLY doing. If I am doing the relationships the right way. A few of the relationships have been struggling or just simply failing, which had made me thinking about them.

I finally decided to give my all, and stop being concerned about losing people and failure, and I would love people with all of my heart. But what does that even entail? As soon as I made that decision, roadblocks were thrown at me from all directions.

I will be broken down and have to climb back up hundreds of times, and I believe I am come to the point where I am okay with that. But sometimes, I can't help but wishing that this wasn't what I was given. Yet I look around, and I see all the blessings I am surrounded and covered with, and I can't be angry or bitter or regret anything that's happened.

I am who I am because of what I've gone through. I am continually being shaped by what I am going through. I like who I am becoming, and I am excited to leave home who I used to be.

The pain that I am feeling can't even compare to the joy that is coming.

Through the pain, I will thank God for shaping me.

If we want to become fit, we have to work out; we will have sore muscles and tired and aching bones when we work, but after much practice and continued work, we will have the body we hope for. I believe it is the same spiritually and emotionally; the conditioning may be painful, and may seem constant and non stop, but the outcome will be better than what we ever could have dreamed of.

Test of Faith

Sometimes I smile at how hard satan tries. Mostly it makes me angry, and I cry a lot because of him, but in the times where it is just so much I have to take a step back and look around... I almost laugh.

Sometimes things feel next to impossible. Sometimes I still have the urge to just give up. The pain is too much, the hurt is too frequent, the wounds seemingly open and sore forever. I sit here with an aching heart, wishing that it would all just go away.

It is interesting to observe my own reactions to what's been happening. In the moment, I feel like I have nothing left. I have moments where I just curl up and cry my heart out because I have no idea what to do. But then, I often kind of "wake up" from that, and look at the bigger picture. I can see that it will work out, I remember that God is working in and through this, and He is on my side. It doesn't make the pain go away; I sit here with a heavy heart, but at least I have hope knowing that God will not let go of me.

Decisions

I feel like I will never truly be able to figure life out. The control freak planning part of me does not like that; I want to be able to know how stuff should work, what I should do, what my future will look like. But the other part of me is okay with this. I almost take comfort in knowing I can't control my future.

I am learning very quickly that decisions are going to get harder and harder, and have more and more of an impact on my life. I never would have guessed all that would happen just for choosing to go to Spring Arbor. Knowing that and have experienced that now, I am anxious and excited to see everything that will happen this coming fall. Already that decision has affected a few things, and I can only imagine what actually going to the school could do for me.

I am quickly becoming so tired of living this life for myself. My wants, my desires. I want this life to be God's, not my own. I only want to do what He wants me to do, what He desires for me. I want to be a changed person. I never want to complain, I never want to whine. I never want to get frustrated or angry. Realistically I know I will. It will take years and years of practice to become the person God desires me to be. It is nice to know that through all of the training and the effort, God will love me regardless.

I am about to enter into a new area of my life. It will be the first summer living with the Raads, 2nd summer moved out of my house. 2nd summer with an "internship" at church, 2nd summer attending New Orleans with StuCo. When I think about it, I start feeling anxious, scared, concerned in general. That's who I am, and it will take a long time to cure myself of that fear as well. But then I remember that my God is holding me, my God loves me, my God is my Protector and my Provider. My God has a plan, and my God will see it through. I just have to trust, and have blind faith, knowing my Lord will be here with me all along.

I would love to be known for my faith. Not that I was an idiot and did whatever, believing God would rescue me. But that I would go where God was leading me, live life without fear simply because I know God will work it out. And I know He will. Things could happen that could tear me down and make me feel helpless and worthless and scared and alone. But no matter what, my God is my Savior, and He will be there ready to help me right back on my feet. Nothing is too much for me, nothing is more than I can bear. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

As scary as this summer looks, I am excited for what God is going to do in my life. I have surrendered myself and I am willing to go where He leads, wherever He takes me. Fear is only going to ruin me, and there is too much good for me to do here to let it control my life.

7 Years

It's interesting to me how quickly things can bring you back to your past. It can take things as simple as a song, a picture, a scent, a place, a person, a certain word or action. I love memories. Some make me smile, some make me excited, some make me happy, some fill me with joy. But some memories are still unbearable. A stroke of my cheek, or tucking my hair behind my ear. The hand on my back, or singing Rent at the top of our lungs. The scent of the perfume I wore then, or the cologne he wore. DDR, rock band, Ne-Yo, gas stations, walks in the dark, swingsets, stars, oven mitts, creepy rooms, snow days, bowling... my list could go on forever. And that's the problem. It's not that the memories themselves are too painful. Maybe the post break up thougths are painful, but not the friendship. I have gotten to the point where I can think of them without it even working me up. But sometimes they are so FREQUENT. I see someone eating plain pasta, and then 5 minutes later I see a red Taurus, and then I smell Axe, and see someone watching Blade. It's when things are repeated, over and over again, that I can't get the memories out of my head.

I can sit here and talk about him with a smile on my face. What an improvement. I can remember all the good times we had together, and can I smile. But part of me still wonders if he thinks of me, or ever regrets how it ended. Part of me is lonely, and wishes I could just hold his hand, even for a few minutes. My heart aches for the friend I had in him, the comfort, the acceptance.

I am always asking myself if I will ever be completely over him. I can be happy, and I don't regret it. But will I ever stop loving him? Hard to believe I will. Maybe I just need someone else to come in and love me even better than he did. If only I were open for that. I don't believe I will ever let a man have that again. Ever. I've always wanted to think the most of him, believe he is the wonderful person I knew for so long.




Maybe to become open to people loving me like he did, I have to stop hoping he will come back.





It is so incredibly hard to give up on someone you loved that much.

Love Out Loud

Loving through fear is difficult. So is loving through pain. Deciding to love regardless of these things is even harder.


I am so incredibly loved. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I have.

I'm tired of letting my fear of abandonment change how I am loved.
I am also tired of letting this fear change how I love others.

I am ready to pour my heart into people. Yes, I might get hurt. I might be betrayed, I might get abandoned. But of all the times this has happened before, did it make the relationships not worth it? absolutely not.

God wants us to love like He does. I am ready to love like Christ loves.
Jesus knew He would be betrayed and hurt by not one, or 2, or 3 of the people He loved. He knew He would be betrayed by every single one of us. But did that stop Him from loving us? absolutely not.

There is a quote in the movie Cinderalla Story that I often think of. Yes, it's an awful cheesy chick flick, and worst of all it has Hilary Duff. But the quote is, "never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." I'm not going to let the fear of failure or pain keep me from enjoying life and loving the people I have been blessed with.

Time to Come Back Home

I am slowly beginning to love being challenged. Lately the metaphor of the overflowing cup has applied to my life quite frequently. Sometimes when I am challenged, I can feel like the cup tilts a little bit. But in the end, it is always set back up right. And not only is it set straight, but even more is poured in. I feel like recently, I am just overflowing.

Today was an abnormally painful day. Multiple people who were close to me hurt my feelings. I was challenged on some touch decisions, and I made a decision I knew would let someone down. Disappointing others hurts me more than most other things do. I fear that when I let someone down, the chances of them leaving are raised greatly. In the past, when I disappointed someone, I would slowly start preparing for their exit. More recently, I have realized that by preparing for people to walk out of my life, I gave them more of a reason to leave. Given, this in itself does not change how I handle disapproval. Even today, I still started to guard my heart, fearful of the result of this decision. For once, instead of the person agreeing with my opening the door for their exit, soemone stood up to me.

My life has always been about what I do. Decisions I make, how much I help around the house, what I say, who I choose to be friends with, how far I am willing to go, etc. For once in my life, I have relationships that are based off of who I AM. This itself brings me to tears.

I feel loved by my Savior; I always do. Overwhelmed with love from my Savior. But it is rare that I feel love from others. Not always because it is not given; a lot of the time it is because I do not receive it. Fear has been ruler of my life for far too long. Fear that if I accept love, it will only hurt more when I lose it. Fear that I will lose all the love I have. Fear that I will lose everyone and everything that matters to me.

I am so tired of being afraid. I know that even after I write this, I will still be fearful of losing those I love. But I think I am finally willing to let it go. Fear is my comfort zone, as odd as that sounds. Pain is where I am comfortable, hurt is where I am comfortable, betrayal and loss is where I am comfortable. I'm tired of waiting to be hurt. I'm ready to accept and feel love.

For once, I can say this and actually believe it, and mean it: I DESERVE to be loved.

And now I'm finally ready to be.

Haiti

I have always desired for my life to have a real purpose.

I have always had a passion for people in need. I still remember, years ago, when I decided I wanted to go out of the country to serve others who lived in poverty. It became a dream, something I wanted to accomplish before I died. I never knew when the opportunity would come around; there were multiple times I got close, but it slipped through my fingertips. Instead of giving up, this only made me more determined. Disaster after disaster has happened all over the world, and I sit back wishing I could be a part of their recovery.

I love children. My heart warms everytime I see one, and I absolutely can't wait to have my own. I hear about children all over the world with no food, no clothing, no clean water, and worst of all no one to take care of them. This breaks my heart more than anything else.

Being offered the opportunity to go to Haiti was absolutely my dream coming true. Everytime I think about it I want to jump up and down. I know that I have a heart for these people, especially those children, and I am so ecstatic that God is going to use me in their lives. I am so loved by my Savior, and my heart is just overflowing. I am so excited to be able to spread this love to those who need it.

I love being used by God. I love that God is going to use my life to bless others. What an honor! I don't deserve it, and I never could have earned it. But I am so excited to be able to do this for Christ. Not because I owe it to Him [even though I do] but because I love Him, and I want to be like Him, and I want to make Him happy.

I am so on fire with love for Christ, love from Christ, love for those children, and with pure excitement.

11 weeks until I leave for Haiti.

Clocks

I am only 18 years old, but I am beginning to understand how quickly time is going to go. I have always been told by older adults in my life that I should love every minute, because it will be gone before I know it. I have always felt like this was so ridiculous; time moved so incredibly slow. Even throughout this year, I was always counting down from something, most frequently being the next chance I would get to go home.

Here I am, with only 2 and a half weeks left at Spring Arbor. I look back at this year and I am shocked. Sometimes I still feel like I graduated from high school a few weeks ago. Sometimes I still feel like I started junior high a few weeks ago. It was not until recently that time really hit me. A year is not a long time; 3 years isn't even a long time. I am already a quarter through my college education; that idea just blows my mind.

As I am realizing how quickly life will pass me by, I am beginning to wish I hadn't been counting down so much. I always wanted to make the days go faster, pass quicker, get to the next weekend, the next break. I see now that those days are days I'm never going to get back.

I don't know how many more years, or months, or weeks I have left to live. But I know that I want to make them count, every single one of them. I am so blessed to be alive, so blessed to be able to do as much as I am able to do. and I want to take advantage of that while I still can.

I need words

I feel like I am going through an "up" phase in my relationship with Christ. I have now been reading the Bible every day for 20 weeks. I am writing papers based off of pericopes from the Bible, which includes extensive studying and reading of the passage. I have also been watching the Nooma videos to write summer guides, and listening to even more worship music to prepare for worship band auditions in the summer/fall. I feel like all of these things combined have me feeling closer to God than I have felt in a long time. At first, I thought it was superficial and very surface level. But I realized that I am finally truly pacing with God. I have stopped talking so much to Him, and have begun to just listen. I feel like I am finally having real conversation with God.

With this real conversation has come a real relationship. I feel there is so much to say to God that I can't say with words, or I can't find the right words to truly express it. For one, my gratitude. Everytime I truly reflect on what I have been blessed with, I become overwhelmed and my heart just boils over with love for my Savior. I have had points in my life where I felt so empty, so burned out; I felt I had nothing left to give, not another word, not another prayer, nothing. But sitting here, right now... I know my heart is full. Not just full, but overflowing. When I become stressed and depressed, reality is often clouded, and I forget how much I truly have. I have so much love to give that I don't know what to do with it, and that is because of how much I am loved.

My heart is just simply... overjoyed today. I feel like I could sing, I could dance, I could cry with joy. I am so incredibly blessed.

Maybe that's all I needed to do. God must understand, why would I need to have the perfect words to explain to my all-knowing Father how much I am in love with Him? He gets it, because He loves me even MORE than that.

Abba, Father, my life Preserver, my Savior, my Everything. Oh how I love you, Lord, how blessed am I, how blessed am I...

I pray that I remember this in times of struggle, in times of depression, in the "down" phases of my life. May I remember how truly blessed I am, and remember how much my Father loves me, and how much I love Him. What else could I possibly need? I have so much, I have been blessed with everything.

Take My Life

Here am I, all of me
Take my life, it's all for thee


What's a life worth living if you are living for yourself? When we are our own first priority, we are never truly happy. We are always wanting more, always striving for something better. What's the fun in that? All I would ever feel is disappointment. Maybe brief moments of happiness, but I don't think I would ever be able to feel true joy.

There is so much I want to become. I want to become selfless. I never want to complain, or feel like I am not getting what I deserve. I want to be so incredibly grateful, for everything that I ALREADY have. I don't want to count the days; I want to make my days count. I don't want to cry or complain during hard times; I want to thank God for using those situations to continue to shape me into who He wants me to become. I want everything that comes out of my mouth to be something that honors and glorifies God. No more cursing, or nasty names, or even negative things in general. I want to be an optimistic person; my life is much more than half full, it is overflowing with blessing from my Father.

I don't want this to be just a "church answer" kind of blog. I don't want this to be said like I wanted to please anybody. I want people to believe it. And I want them to believe it because they are seeing it in my life.

So what's the first step? I have been constantly challenged to be praying to God constantly. Just constantly be aware of Him, and how this life is His. I believe if I really grasp that concept and make it real in my life, the rest of these things will slowly begin to follow. I will consciously have to do decide to stop the bad habits, but it will become easier and easier to do.

I want people to look at me, and be able to say there is something different. I am living my life for Christ, not for myself. Because that is the life worth living.



Take my life and let it be,
consecrated Lord for thee
take my moments and my days
and let them flow in ceaseless praise

Take my hands and let them move,
at the impulse of thy love
take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for thee

Take my voice and let me sing,
always only for my king
take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from thee

Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold
Take my heart it is thy own
it shall be thy royal throne

Take my love, my Lord I pour
at thy feet its treasure store
take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for thee

Change

Sometimes I wonder what brought me to where I am. Even in the past year and a half, my life has changed so drastically. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if there is anything I would have done differently, or stayed with longer.

In chapel this Wednesday, the speaker started with the question, "if you looked back at yourself 5 years ago, would you say you are the same person?" Cheesy, cliche question? Yes, maybe. But still a good one. And for once, I actually thought back. Who was I as a 13, 14 year old? Ending of 8th grade. I was in an unhealthy relationship. All I wanted was to be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to belong. I had no clue who I was. And now? How different am I, really? I'm an extremely outgoing, independent person. But am I really? I need people. I hate to admit it, but I do. I still want to be loved. No longer is it what drives me, but it is important to me. I make decisions based off of becoming a better person for Christ. I try to anyway, no one is perfect. That definitely isn't how I was before. I feel like I am not a different person, no. But I am a HEALTHIER person. I still am the same person, same characteristics, same basic desires. But they aren't what rule me anymore. Instead, I have grown and shaped them into a healthier version of what they are. It's not perfect, and it never will be. But it's better, and will continue to get better.

I desire to change myself. I desire to be like Christ. I desire to be a strong, courageous servant for Him. I never want to settle, or just be happy with who I am. I always want to be striving to become closer and closer to the person God wants me to be.


So I came to SAU, become more independent, learned more relational skills, and I was able to rid myself of some bad relationships. Now that I have officially decided to go back closer to home, I'm wondering what's next. I feel like I have so much growing to do, and I feel like I always will. But in what way? You can never know what God is going to do next. The thought is exciting and frightening at the same time.

It's weird to think that this chapter of my life is closing. But man, what a chapter. I don't regret coming to SAU at all. I have met people who have absolutely changed my life, and become extremely significant to me and my story. I hope I won't lose those people, but realistically I know that I might. I guess that comes with moving on to the next chapter. It's exciting, to be moving forward. Exciting, scary, sad... too many emotions, if you ask me.

I will trust in the Lord. I will have faith in what He is doing with my life. I will walk forward, blind or eyes wide open, whatever God is choosing for me in this moment. I will not be scared. I will not regret. But I will have an open heart and an open mind, and open hands, just waiting for what God is going to do in my life.

Now that's exciting.

Repeatition

It's a feeling I have felt more frequently than not lately. Things are just OFF.

I hate the idea of needing people. I hate the idea of needing anything at all.
But I do need. I need someone right now. I need to be able to just sit with someone and cry, and have them comfort me, and tell me everything is going to be okay, even though that is so cliche and the fact is that we don't know if that's true.

I just want to be somewhere I feel comfortable and loved. I am sick of dealing with everywhere else.


There's a scene in the movie PS I Love You that gets me everytime. It's towards the end, when Holly runs into her mom's restaurant and talks to her mom. she is finally realizing she is truly alone. she talks about how her dad left, and how she had told herself after that she would never let a man hurt her like that again, but then she meets her amazing husbands and then he dies. And she is talking through all of this and then just stops talking and is sobbing and sobbing, and she says "I can't breathe, I can't breathe"... I always lose it right there. I just sob. tears going like crazy, my nose is running, the whole deal.

I'm sick of feeling like I can't breathe. It's like I'm stuck right below the surface of the water. I can see all the good, I can see all thea beauty, I can see all the wonder, I can almost feel the air... but I can't really take it in. I'm pushing so hard, fighting with everything in me, only to get worn out and have to just look at the beauty for a little while. Then I work the energy and the motivation back up again, and I fight and fight and fight, only to repeat what happened the last time.

I want to be truly happy. Isn't that what everyone wants? I want to be able to smile a real smile, I want to laugh without my mind flashing back to a time when I was really happy.

I hate being reminded of the pain. I wish I had healed the right way. I wish I had let myself have the chance to heal. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect to keep my friends, and to keep my reputation. I wish I hadn't felt like I had to be perfect so I could win him back. I wish I could have just cried with my mom. I wish I could have sat with her and just told her everything I was going through, and how much I needed her. I wish my mom knew how much I needed her now... I wish I was willing to give her another chance.

I just needed someone to get me. To understand. I needed someone I could talk to and just cry with. Why was that the time in my life I ahd to be completely alone? Why do I feel like that's how it will always be because of that?


People weren't there when I needed them then. How can I trust for people to be there now? How can I know that if I let myself need someone, I won't be let down like I was last time?

cut

you don't know what's right.
nothing feels quite right.
there's always something off.
it's in you.
it's in the people around you
it's in your location

I wonder if there is ever a place you can act completely natural. completely. no effort, whatsoever. a place where you can be completely comfortable. never concerned for others feelings, what other people are thinking, what you need to do. a place where you can sit in pajamas and oily hair and sing with a scratchy unwarmed up voice and have people hug you and mean it just as much as they would in the opposite circumstance.

this kind of pain is almost too painful to even write. i am sick of feeling unloved. i am sick of being hurt. i am sick of hurting over jared. I wish I knew how to really feel and accept the love of Christ. I feel like that would help me so much on quite a frequent basis.

I am not alone, I am not alone..
not a stranger, no I am yours
with crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore
i do not want to be afraid.
i do not want to die inside just to breathe in



these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye...

Miss Independent

Is it so wrong to want a guy to really fight?
To have a guy who is willing to fight?
A guy who wants to spend time with me.
A guy who doesn't try to change who I am.
A guy that can hold his own.
A guy I can fight with and not feel like a bully.
A guy that I can be competitive with.
A guy that doesn't make me flatten my personality so I don't offend him.


Compromise. I understand compromise. But is it compromise when it is making you feel like you can't be yourself? Or is that just not right?


I don't think I have expectations that are unrealistic.
I think in truth, it all comes down to one thing; I want a guy that I can look up to.
Is that wrong?

Where I stood

When it gets cold, and it feels like the end,
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in...

I was not enough. I wasn't what he wanted. He found something better. He cared that I was hurt, but there was nothing he could do about it. He walked away.

And now, here I am, doing the same thing to someone else.

Break ups are so... stupid. And unavoidable. I've broken up with guys before, but it never felt quite like this.

E doesn't love me. There is just no way. And I did love Jared, so there is a difference. I was also with Jared longer, knew him much longer... these are 2 completely different situations. But I feel like this helped me see into Jared's life a little more than I could before.

I am not making excuses for Jared, or saying anything he did was right, or that I've had this epiphany and now I agree with him But I see now how hard it is to hurt someone you care about. I've done it before, but not as intentionally as this was. I've hurt people, but it wasn't like a conscious decision. This time was.

Hurting people is terrible. It makes you feel like a horrible person, it makes you feel guilty, it makes you feel like you could have done things better, it makes you regret so many decisions. But the fact is, sometimes you have to hurt people, and that it will turn out better for everyone in the situation.


I wonder why I went into this. I do think I liked him. He is a great friend, and I've laughed a lot with him. I was able to open up to him [that once], and he meshed well with my other friends here. But was that all there was? Was I feeling lonely because I was so far away from home? Did I just want a boyfriend again? Was I trying to fill in a hole that someone else made and left a long time ago? I don't regret that we dated. I feel like I learned an incredible amount just in this short 1 month period. But I just wonder if my intentions were right, or if I was wrong going into this.

Sometimes I really wonder. I wouldn't mind being single the rest of my life. Have an apartment of my own, have a dog, focus on my job and hang out with my friends and family all the time. But then will I always be thinking about what I'm missing? What if I get married and then decide it isn't what I always thought it would be, it isn't what I wanted? What'sthe point of even trying?

Hurting people sucks. I know I will do it again. But why put myself in situations that are just asking for it?

Emotions

I, personally, am not a fan of emotions. They can be good, if you don't let them get the best of you. But I have not obtained that skill yet.

I hate to admit it, but I am a very sensitive person. I think it comes from my insecurities and my past; I've been hurt a lot, and have not completely healed from that, so it is easy to hurt me now.

One thing I am extremely sensitive to is when people don't like me. I hate when people dislike me. I know I know, it's normal, not everyone can get along with everyone. But it just really makes me itch when someone just doesn't like who I am.

Today I was confronted with a similar situation. I was supposed to hang out with my best friend on campus and 2 of our friends tonight. While talking about plans, my best friend hesitantly informs me that the other 2 girls messaged her to ask that it would just be my best friend going over, and not me.

This should be something I should shake off. This shouldn't be something that gets to me. But I am at a loss, sitting here trying to figure out why in the world that would be the case. And of course, the only reason that comes to mind: they must not like me. First off, it is an assumption. I don't know that that's the case. One of them I have been friends with since the start of the year. But when I think about it, I can't find any other reason for what they said. And it is so upsetting for me. I am praying to stop being anxious about it and just let it go, but like I said at the start, handling my emotions is not a skill I have really gotten a grasp on.

You can't do everything right. You can't please everyone.

As tears fall down

I remember the last time I really cried in front of people. Let it out for a while before shutting myself down.

It was March 26th, at Amber Jean's wake. It was the day before the funeral, a group of us drove out to Joliet to see her. I remember when it first really hit me. We were driving out there, and I took a wrong turn into the funeral home before hers. We were sitting there about to turn around, and something just completely fell apart inside of me and I lost it. I have never cried so hard in my entire life. It makes me tear up to think about it. I had to be moved from behind the steering wheel so we could make it the rest of the way, but it took quite a few minutes to even gain control of myself.

I haven't let myself cry like that since that day. I've cried alright, and I've cried hard. But my heart broke that day in a way it hasn't broken since. Thankfully. And as great as it is I haven't had to feel that again since, I've felt the ache of it every single day.

Sometimes I wish I could just cry. I have instincts, walls, that instantly go up when I start to cry. It's like I physically can not let myself cry. I can start... but I'll always stop, right away.

Sometimes I just want to curl up with someone I trust and cry until it's all out of my system. Cry about Amber Jean's death. Cry about my sister moving out. Cry about everything that happened with my mom. Cry about going away to college. Cry about lost friends. Cry about Jared. Cry about Lisa. Cry about my living situation. Just CRY. A good, healthy, get all the crap out cry.

I wonder if I will ever be able to let myself truly need someone again. I wonder if I will ever trust someone enough to let them in to that point. I wonder if I'll ever let myself cry like that again, even if it is in front of other people.

Dependence

Those who meet me would most likely say I am an independent woman. I declare that men are ignorant and that I will not be married; I am outspoken; I am confident in who I am, especially who I am as a woman; I like the idea of taking care of myself, I don't like accepting help; I'm diving head first into a team of all men, not worried one bit about the fact that we aren't alike, not worried that I can't measure up. I have not always been the most independent person. I was, until Jared. And then once again after Jared, just to a much stronger extreme.

I have never thought of independence as a bad thing. I could take care of myself, I didn't need anyone, didn't need to lean on anyone.

Wrong.

During teaching team this week, our entire talk and message we were working on was about the idea of depending on God. That was the first time this week God really laid that on my heart, and again tonight at StuCo we talked about not being able to do this alone.

As independent as I feel I am, I still have needs. I need someone to comfort me when I am feeling down. I need someone I can turn to when something goes wrong. I need someone to set me straight sometimes, to be a shoulder to cry on... I need help. And not in the mental state, though that could be argued. I need help in life. I can't do this on my own. But at the same time, it's not the people here on earth I need to be depending on. It's God. God is my peace, God is my salvation, God is my rescue, God is my comfort, God is my security, God is my everything. I must depend on God.

Something that has been a constant fear in my life for almost a year now is where I would live. I am always worrying about it, always wondering what my next step is. But as I look back, I see that God has always provided a place for me. God has always been there, even the nights I didn't think I had a bed to sleep in. God has always been there for me, He has not let me down. I realize that I may not get the results I want. I may not get the answer I am looking for, especially when I am looking for it. I may never get an exact answer. But the fact of the matter is that God has me in His hands, and I am safe, I am protected, and I am loved. God will not let me down, my expectations might be let down, but that's my fault for wanting results. My God never fails. My God will never leave me. My God loves me, so completely and unconditionally that it blows my mind.

I can't do this alone, and I can't do it myself. I need people to help me, and I need my God to take control.

I am grateful

I am grateful for a God who is there when I feel like no one else is. I am grateful for a God who makes me feel like I'm a treasure when everyone else is making me feel quite the opposite. I am grateful for a God who tells me I am loved and welcome when I know I wouldn't feel it otherwise.

I really dislike knowing what to do, or knowing what to say. I really dislike knowing that people aren't 100% pleased. Those people being people close to me. I really dislike feeling terrible.

Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out... I wish I could give other people that kind of love, give what I receive. But at the same time, I'm selfish, and wish I received it from more places.

I don't like things feeling so out of place. I don't like things feeling... not-okay.

I feel like I have been saying this a lot lately, but I really wish life was easier. So much easier.

Blessings and the curse

It's strange how comforting blogging can be. I can't say I ever expected it to be like that. It's like I can say whatever I want, whenever I want, and for some reason it is nice to just know it's been said, it's out there. Talking to no one is actually kind of nice. Also never expected to say that.

When I start wishing life would be easier, I can't help but think about those I have met who have it even harder than I do. Friends who have had parents die, siblings commit suicide, or die of cancer. Those I met in New Orleans who literally have no home, who live in the few "buildings" left after the hurricane. Those kids who have to wear the same shirt to school multiple days in one week because it's all they have. The girls who lived in the dome, being abused and harassed by men of all ages. Those who have to eat cold uncooked noodles because they have nothing else. I think about my friends with alcoholic parents, or friends whose parents just up and disappeared. Who am I to complain when I know people who have and are going through all of this?

It's nice to know I have a God who doesn't think my problems are nothing simply because others have problems that are worse. He tells us to cast our anxieties on Him... to cry out to Him, to turn to Him when we are in need. Well, right now, I don't know what to do. I'm eighteen years old and need wisdom of an eighty year old. Which I definitely do NOT have. The one person I can talk to about this can't give me any kind of verbal response, and I am struggling to hear what He is trying to say to me about it.

During my bible study today I was reading many of Christ's parables in Matthew, and commented on our discussion that I can't wait to just sit with Jesus and listen to Him tell stories, listen to Him talk to me. I want that more and more everyday, to be with the One who loves me more than anyone ever does or ever could, and just LISTEN, just be in His presence, be surrounded with the greatness of who He is. The love I feel from Him now will only be intensified, and to feel that kind of love has to be absolutely amazing.


Funny how my blogs have almost become letters to my heavenly Father, just written in story form... I know He cares, I know He reads them, I know He loves me. And sometimes that's the most comforting thing I can think about.

2009

It's hard to sum up this year for me. Lots of heartache, lots of blessings, lot's of amazing memories, lots of painful ones.

One of the first things was the loss of Amber Jean. I can't believe she's been gone for almost ten months. My life has been permanently shaken by her death. My heart aches just thinking about it, knowing that there were opportunities I could have taken that might have helped, and I didn't do it. I have lost many people so far in my lifetime, but this was the first one that truly hit me and made me change how I live. I still want to become a better friend and a more loving person, and a huge part of this is because of her. I never want to have another loved one miserable enough to start doing anything that can put their life at risk. I think about Amber Jean everyday, miss her so much, and really truly love the person she was. I will always remember her. 3.22.09

Blast this year, great as every other year. The last year as a student on the trip, last year with Alex, Krystal, Megan, and our amazing leader Charissa. Definitely went out with a bang. First year Jess and Jordan came! Between the messages, small group time, our personal hours of worship, and the "compliment circle", that trip absolutely touched my heart. Will always be one of my favorite memories of our small group.

Moving out of my house... finding a home that will help me grow and will challenge me while loving me for who I am. Getting through my last semester of high school. Finally graduating high school.

My best friend was also a huge blessing of this year. Jenna and I have known each other for a few years, but just became close this year. And she is one of the best things that has happened to me. To have a friend who makes you laugh more than anyone, can always cheer you up, that you can always talk to, that you can cry with, that you can share amazing memories with, that will hold you accountable, that will grow spiritually with you, that will grow relationally with you, that will encourage you, that will beat you up if needed, that will stay with you when you're sick... it is hard to find friends as amazing as Jenna is. I have been blessed with so many amazing friends, but none that will ever top Jenna. She is not just my best friend, she is a sister, and someone I love with all of my heart! She has helped me through so much, and most of my favorite memories from this year include her. I am so grateful for such an amazing person.

The internship with Tim was yet another blessing. I was challenged and my passion for ministry grew even more, which I thought was impossible. Started improving writing skills, working skills, leadership skills... I still have so much more growing to do, but thanks to my church, I have the opportunies to do that.

My many late nights with my girls... Jenna, Krystal, Nernin, Megan, Nicky, Kylee... you girls mean the world to me. Between Chicago, bonfires, roadtrips, and everything else we did, you guys helped my summer be the absolute best. I love you guys!

Trying to cut school with Nernin... just one of my favorite memories lol. OHHH nernin. I love you.

Wisconsin with Anaka and Megan. One of my favorite weekends of the summer. Driving hours with 2 of my favorite people on the planet, blasting ridiculously loud music in my ridiculously small car, lots of that ball bar game, staying up late and talking, cheese curds... a great weekend for sure.

New Orleans. That's another thing that is constantly on my mind. It was my first real mission trip, spending a week in N.O. fixing up houses, playing with less fortunate children, and building relationships. I would go back in a heartbeat. I've always known that serving people in need was one of my passions, but that trip really confirmed it. I want to serve people for the rest of my life, as much as I can. I have become much more of a servant thanks to that trip in my everyday life, and want to continue to be a servant to everyone I come in contact with.

Junior High Camp was also a great trip this year. Co-leading with the fantastic Jenna Parham was an AWESOME experience. And both of us being able to baptize Kelsea together, the first time I ever baptized a student, was a very cool experience. Lots of fun with all the girls, lots of growth, in me, Jenna, and the students. One of my top weeks of the entire year.

SAUFFSBB. What. a. weekend. First time I really got to know anyone I would be going to college with. And it was crazy fun. Lots of talking, lots of laughter, lots of singing, lots of bonding. What a great idea, what great people, and what a great tradition to start! already excited for the next one to come!

Starting college. This is one I really can't write everything about, or it will take pages. Starting over somewhere new, not knowing anyone, leaving my loved ones hours away. Was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but also one of the smartest. I can't even tell you how many times I would call home, sobbing and begging to just go home. And yet, here I am, 1 semester down, loving it, and definitely not leaving anytime soon. It was hard to leave everyone at home, but I made so many fantastic friends that are already becoming like family to me. People I spend most of my days with, eat with, talk with, hang out with, pretty much live with. I love my family at school! Definitely makes it easier to be away from home when you have family in both places! My CORE family means the world to me, and I love them with all of my heart. My ministry major friends are also such a great influence, and great friends. My co-leader and all the girls who were in my small group are also some of my very loved family. and of course everyone from SAUFFSBB. my roommate, who is definitely JUST like a sister! I am blessed with lots of great friends.

2009 has been a rocky but fantastic year. But it was only the step below 2010. I am so ready to make this year even better than the last. I am going to continue to grow and become a better person, the person God wants me to be. If I can grow this much in 2009, how much could I grow in 2010? I definitely love a good challenge, and this is going to be a great one.

Bust your windows

I was recently faced again with a situation that has not always been the most pleasant for me. on New Years Eve my best friend, Jenna, and I went to visit an old friend of mine, Lisa, who we found out was accompanied by Jared.

Jared is one of those tricky situations I do not talk about. Jenna informed me after our visit she had no idea what the Jared "story" was. His name might come up on conversation, but I avoid the emotions of it as much as possible.

This visit did not help me do that.

I have gained so much from having Jared in my life. First and most importantly, my church. Along with that were many many great relationships that are still extremely valuable to me. I hit rock bottom, which might seem like a bad thing, but it was what finally turned me around and helped get me where I am now. but sometimes I can't help but wonder... what would it be like if it had never happened? some people deny you can truly love as a teenager, but I firmly believe that kid was my everything, and he was. I loved him with everything I was, and sacrificed everything for him, only to have him completely break my heart. what would it be like if I didn't have that scar as a constant reminder? what would it have been like if I never became codependant, never lost friends for him, because of him... ? so many things... sometimes I wonder if I knew the difference, if I would have chosen to avoid the whole situation. was the pain worth the years that I felt complete?

sometimes I honestly wonder if I will ever love someone again like I loved Jared. Anytime I start liking someone I just want to step back, or run completely. I don't want to get married, I don't want to have a real relationship, or one at all, knowing that as much as I deny it, part of me is still attached to Jared, and i dont know if that will ever change. it's like the phrase "damaged goods"; it's definitely what a future boyfriend/husband would be settling for.

healing sucks. moving on is difficult. forgiving is hard. forgetting is next to impossible.